so i wasnt enough.......
i am home sick, kold and tired. i havent slept yet for 2 days. i went through some of my stuff, and i was thinking to get rid of cause i really dont need the reminders. lots of pics of and with my ex. and it made me sick i threw up. i threw up cause part hurt and part angry. still till now i feel nausious. i remember meeting the first time, and all the memories of life before the lies.i took alot of crap from him., but it was ok cause when you love someone you dont see thefaults or the problems. i know i feel in love with him the moment i laied eyes on him. (my hands are shaking, this sux) i know in my heart because i loved him unconditionally i gave unlimited love, support and everything. but it wasnt enough. thats one thing i learned from him. that no matter how much you love, support, believe and are with someone, it will never be enough.
i knew it was love cause when we had problems at first i fought to be with him. other wise i would have just been upset and not have fought. i knew i loved him cause i stuck around for an ex 3 1/2 years. time i really didnt want to be around cause it wasnt easy at any point like he said it would be. both times he broken my heart, i asked to be alone, he said no cause he knew i wouldnt talk him after( and he was right, he wanted a break and i felt i should have one too) besides i knew that he was different.
3 1/2 years of all that i have made wrong, all the love i never gave, the support i never showed, never having his back( i lied and recored people for him), i fucked up cause i fell in love with his family as well and seeing them for his aunts wake. i started to hate him. after all this time, i started to hate him. right now at this moment i dont hate him. i dont have any feeling anymore. i have been saying i am tired but it feel on deaf ears. i felt for years i wasnt loved. and i was told that everyone knows he loves me. but when you love someone, well i thought that were suppose to know, but in my 27 years it just proves that i know nothing.
i cried the most tears for him. i've felt the most pain cause of him. and the doubt of love i felt from him, makes me feel that he was just like the rest.
no one believed in him like i did and i think i still do. i try not to think of him at all, cause i hurt so much more then i can really describe. to say i am heartbroken i dont fell that it covers what my heart actually feels.my friends and family all said i could do better, why am i with him, he's not important, find someone else. i i felt he was so worth it,everything they said was stupid cause they didnt know him like i did. i knew his neverland. but he showed me. he proved that they were all right about him. and also i saw for a while that you didnt see my neverland. just cause you know dreams doesnt meant you know neverland. i threw away my dreams and thoughts i found because he became my world. when you love someone you arent suppose to do that, your suppose to share those dreams together. i am still so tired, and well i guess i will find someone who isnt like him and the others. but it's so tiring.
there is so much more about this and if he ever saw it, there is so much more he would say i have done wrong. i guess it's kool. cause what he did show me was that i was never ment to be his.i was never enough. and thats what hurts, i wished to be his and make him happy. i tried not enough and too much. i know he is happy.and no matter what anymore i will always believe that, cause he made his choices, he got everything he wanted out of the relationship.
i wish he would have got it. but i see that he never will, cause he only cares about him. and these are things i didnt want to admit but i did see.
there is one thing i wanted to tell him for the longest time thought. the very first lie he told me.........and he wanted to know who told me, i never told him but it was his dad who told me. he called me to tell me that he didnt like that he went out with someone eles. i was in the kitchen with my mom at the time. and then trying to call him he didnt answer right away and then the lies began. he says i sarted it and that he doesnt start anything unless i do something to him first. but what did i do? what did i say.we both changed, he is smoking and more selfish then every. he says he dont want to play catch up. he cares more about what peoplething and what they do. i dont want to go to the places he goes cause some i have spent 10 years at and 3 bf there. he never cared about what it was doing to me, he just cares that i was there for him.and the parties , yeah i want to go, but i dont want to be high and weeded all the time an around everyone like that all the time. i have dealt with that and it was gonna make me hate them, i didnt want to , cause i was already not feeling comfortable, but he never cared about my feelings, there is so much i know i should let it be. but i am feelin to let it off my chest now cause of the pics and poems and drawings.
yeah its true, i miss the person he was before. and well i am letting go, well actually i have let go but i am getting rid of the thoughts. he let me go 3 1/2 years ago and i so stupidly stayied.
he won the game i never wanted to play. i feel foolish and stupid for letting my self fall.
lol happy holidays to me huh.
i really wish that he didnt throw me away. i wish that he at least treated me as the friend he said i was.
he made me empty and incomplete. and showed me why love isnt worth all this pain.he made me regret, no one after all the nasty shit they have done to me and my heart have ever left me with the feeling of regret like he has. and he can go on with his life and no pain cause he made all the calls. i told him and he never believd me and everything we have done has been his call. he did things cause he said he knew it was what i wanted, but if i didnt say i wanted them how does he know. and why is it that the things i did say i wanted and hoped and wished for, he never even tried.
i really at this moment wish i never meet him or the people that introduced me to him. cause they betrayed me as well.
i wish i was good enough................................
i wish it really was love, some thing special.
i thought it was special but his words and actions show that i was nothing. nothing special at all.
~back to neverland i go alone~
i knew it was love cause when we had problems at first i fought to be with him. other wise i would have just been upset and not have fought. i knew i loved him cause i stuck around for an ex 3 1/2 years. time i really didnt want to be around cause it wasnt easy at any point like he said it would be. both times he broken my heart, i asked to be alone, he said no cause he knew i wouldnt talk him after( and he was right, he wanted a break and i felt i should have one too) besides i knew that he was different.
3 1/2 years of all that i have made wrong, all the love i never gave, the support i never showed, never having his back( i lied and recored people for him), i fucked up cause i fell in love with his family as well and seeing them for his aunts wake. i started to hate him. after all this time, i started to hate him. right now at this moment i dont hate him. i dont have any feeling anymore. i have been saying i am tired but it feel on deaf ears. i felt for years i wasnt loved. and i was told that everyone knows he loves me. but when you love someone, well i thought that were suppose to know, but in my 27 years it just proves that i know nothing.
i cried the most tears for him. i've felt the most pain cause of him. and the doubt of love i felt from him, makes me feel that he was just like the rest.
no one believed in him like i did and i think i still do. i try not to think of him at all, cause i hurt so much more then i can really describe. to say i am heartbroken i dont fell that it covers what my heart actually feels.my friends and family all said i could do better, why am i with him, he's not important, find someone else. i i felt he was so worth it,everything they said was stupid cause they didnt know him like i did. i knew his neverland. but he showed me. he proved that they were all right about him. and also i saw for a while that you didnt see my neverland. just cause you know dreams doesnt meant you know neverland. i threw away my dreams and thoughts i found because he became my world. when you love someone you arent suppose to do that, your suppose to share those dreams together. i am still so tired, and well i guess i will find someone who isnt like him and the others. but it's so tiring.
there is so much more about this and if he ever saw it, there is so much more he would say i have done wrong. i guess it's kool. cause what he did show me was that i was never ment to be his.i was never enough. and thats what hurts, i wished to be his and make him happy. i tried not enough and too much. i know he is happy.and no matter what anymore i will always believe that, cause he made his choices, he got everything he wanted out of the relationship.
i wish he would have got it. but i see that he never will, cause he only cares about him. and these are things i didnt want to admit but i did see.
there is one thing i wanted to tell him for the longest time thought. the very first lie he told me.........and he wanted to know who told me, i never told him but it was his dad who told me. he called me to tell me that he didnt like that he went out with someone eles. i was in the kitchen with my mom at the time. and then trying to call him he didnt answer right away and then the lies began. he says i sarted it and that he doesnt start anything unless i do something to him first. but what did i do? what did i say.we both changed, he is smoking and more selfish then every. he says he dont want to play catch up. he cares more about what peoplething and what they do. i dont want to go to the places he goes cause some i have spent 10 years at and 3 bf there. he never cared about what it was doing to me, he just cares that i was there for him.and the parties , yeah i want to go, but i dont want to be high and weeded all the time an around everyone like that all the time. i have dealt with that and it was gonna make me hate them, i didnt want to , cause i was already not feeling comfortable, but he never cared about my feelings, there is so much i know i should let it be. but i am feelin to let it off my chest now cause of the pics and poems and drawings.
yeah its true, i miss the person he was before. and well i am letting go, well actually i have let go but i am getting rid of the thoughts. he let me go 3 1/2 years ago and i so stupidly stayied.
he won the game i never wanted to play. i feel foolish and stupid for letting my self fall.
lol happy holidays to me huh.
i really wish that he didnt throw me away. i wish that he at least treated me as the friend he said i was.
he made me empty and incomplete. and showed me why love isnt worth all this pain.he made me regret, no one after all the nasty shit they have done to me and my heart have ever left me with the feeling of regret like he has. and he can go on with his life and no pain cause he made all the calls. i told him and he never believd me and everything we have done has been his call. he did things cause he said he knew it was what i wanted, but if i didnt say i wanted them how does he know. and why is it that the things i did say i wanted and hoped and wished for, he never even tried.
i really at this moment wish i never meet him or the people that introduced me to him. cause they betrayed me as well.
i wish i was good enough................................
i wish it really was love, some thing special.
i thought it was special but his words and actions show that i was nothing. nothing special at all.
~back to neverland i go alone~