IDK why....
I haven't changed my profile pic for Livejournal. I guess I should since all of that is in the past and was the beginning of the end. Actually I shouldn't be so brunt about that, because as you can tell the only reason it's there is for my own dwelling concern.
As much as I try to move forward and almost force it, I just keep coming back to a barrier bounded peace of mind that is content with just focusing on my duties. School. Work. And finding another job to maintain my well being. Yes, I now once again have these internal walls up again to outsiders. I'm getting insights from others about myself and I kind of realize why I'm so hard to get to know. I don't easily invite myself into others lives from just sheer will and I don't easily allow others into mine for a consistent friendship. One day I'll meet someone the next day I'm off on my own wanting to be by myself. I thought I would be more open to people this time around, but I've also realized that I intimidate a lot of people, especially those that I actually get along with the best. Weird...no one finds me cute or close to hot due to the fact that I'm like one of the guys. Perhaps this is spoken by someone out of immaturity but it still kinda gets to me. I'm the one girl at work that no guys will opinionate about as far as attractiveness due to the fact that I'm like one of the guys. Hmm...yeah so definitely not too easy here. I sometimes am baffled by how Steve was able to get around that and why he was attracted to me unlike anyone here? I mean I'm apparently cool to hangout with or shoot the shit with, but not enough to consider dating or anything or being attractive. Not that I want to date, but it feels good to feel attractive. Then again why should I care what people think at work? They aren't much better and no one strikes an interest anyways.
When your up your up and when your down your down I guess. I've just been doing so much by myself lately and feeling like being a loner. Been blowin peeps off for the last few days.
Did go out for my b-day even though I felt dragged, but I went. I mean your suppose to celebrate your b-day right? not sit home and just chill apparently lol. I could have just easily went for a beer on the back porch and been fine. But it would have been by myself, I would have been content.
COnfidence shot down a lot this week. Worried about this second job thing and not finding one, I hate having to worry about money and now I'm focused on that right now plus summer school. Having school everyday in the morn is weird, hoping I can keep up. F*cking books cost out the wang. I'm going to go join the airforce shortly I think.
Went to the dermatologist today, got my face burned off and then soothed with good stuff. She tortured my face with poking and prodding, but hopefully it benefits in the end.
I never want people to call me out of obligation. I've tried to be friendly and out of the blue call other peeps but no one ever answers. Fuck em. I'll go by myself then.
Apparently Mark Gil doesn't believe in going to school during the summer. Today he said we just shouldn't go to school. I was like ummm.....well I want to get this shit over with and he was like "well dont'' rush it" and I'm like I want the f*ck out of it so I can move on with my life!"but no one will understand my need for wanting out. I enjoy living life, not learning about it through a text book.
I can do 25 push ups in a row, go me, my arms are a badass now.
I have an old soul according to Beckys dad. I like that terminology.
It's a sad old soul though.
Reaching out to people I never thought I'd talk to again.
Try to move forward but it's the backwardness that provides comfort when your stuck.
Dad said he may come up and see me this week...yeah right. I'd shit my pants if he actually did.
Found a mototcycle I would love to buy off this guy, but my cash funds are short at the moment. I don't even know how much I owe on my truck now cause statements haven't been coming to this addy yet.
I think I have a stalker and it's scary shit.
I leave places I don't like when I want. Felt bad but hey wasn't feelin it.
Asking people just random questions starts up conversations.
I really can't be what people see me out to be. I'm really not what they think of me as.
I just want good conversation and some thoughtfulness.
Haven't had anyone go out of their way for me in a while.
I still get lil things here and there for that one guy, but I'm sure he doesn't think of such things. Actually scratch that, he helps me find new adventures.
I want to move on, but I won't be able to without some help. I still can't help but wonder.
No one is willing or even eligible to help actually. sheesh I catch 22, I'm in the weeds.
To visit or not to? I thought he was the one with the cheapest mode of transpo? Eh see how the funds are in the next few weeks. CC is getting used again, really want to avoid that.
As much as I try to move forward and almost force it, I just keep coming back to a barrier bounded peace of mind that is content with just focusing on my duties. School. Work. And finding another job to maintain my well being. Yes, I now once again have these internal walls up again to outsiders. I'm getting insights from others about myself and I kind of realize why I'm so hard to get to know. I don't easily invite myself into others lives from just sheer will and I don't easily allow others into mine for a consistent friendship. One day I'll meet someone the next day I'm off on my own wanting to be by myself. I thought I would be more open to people this time around, but I've also realized that I intimidate a lot of people, especially those that I actually get along with the best. Weird...no one finds me cute or close to hot due to the fact that I'm like one of the guys. Perhaps this is spoken by someone out of immaturity but it still kinda gets to me. I'm the one girl at work that no guys will opinionate about as far as attractiveness due to the fact that I'm like one of the guys. Hmm...yeah so definitely not too easy here. I sometimes am baffled by how Steve was able to get around that and why he was attracted to me unlike anyone here? I mean I'm apparently cool to hangout with or shoot the shit with, but not enough to consider dating or anything or being attractive. Not that I want to date, but it feels good to feel attractive. Then again why should I care what people think at work? They aren't much better and no one strikes an interest anyways.
When your up your up and when your down your down I guess. I've just been doing so much by myself lately and feeling like being a loner. Been blowin peeps off for the last few days.
Did go out for my b-day even though I felt dragged, but I went. I mean your suppose to celebrate your b-day right? not sit home and just chill apparently lol. I could have just easily went for a beer on the back porch and been fine. But it would have been by myself, I would have been content.
COnfidence shot down a lot this week. Worried about this second job thing and not finding one, I hate having to worry about money and now I'm focused on that right now plus summer school. Having school everyday in the morn is weird, hoping I can keep up. F*cking books cost out the wang. I'm going to go join the airforce shortly I think.
Went to the dermatologist today, got my face burned off and then soothed with good stuff. She tortured my face with poking and prodding, but hopefully it benefits in the end.
I never want people to call me out of obligation. I've tried to be friendly and out of the blue call other peeps but no one ever answers. Fuck em. I'll go by myself then.
Apparently Mark Gil doesn't believe in going to school during the summer. Today he said we just shouldn't go to school. I was like ummm.....well I want to get this shit over with and he was like "well dont'' rush it" and I'm like I want the f*ck out of it so I can move on with my life!"but no one will understand my need for wanting out. I enjoy living life, not learning about it through a text book.
I can do 25 push ups in a row, go me, my arms are a badass now.
I have an old soul according to Beckys dad. I like that terminology.
It's a sad old soul though.
Reaching out to people I never thought I'd talk to again.
Try to move forward but it's the backwardness that provides comfort when your stuck.
Dad said he may come up and see me this week...yeah right. I'd shit my pants if he actually did.
Found a mototcycle I would love to buy off this guy, but my cash funds are short at the moment. I don't even know how much I owe on my truck now cause statements haven't been coming to this addy yet.
I think I have a stalker and it's scary shit.
I leave places I don't like when I want. Felt bad but hey wasn't feelin it.
Asking people just random questions starts up conversations.
I really can't be what people see me out to be. I'm really not what they think of me as.
I just want good conversation and some thoughtfulness.
Haven't had anyone go out of their way for me in a while.
I still get lil things here and there for that one guy, but I'm sure he doesn't think of such things. Actually scratch that, he helps me find new adventures.
I want to move on, but I won't be able to without some help. I still can't help but wonder.
No one is willing or even eligible to help actually. sheesh I catch 22, I'm in the weeds.
To visit or not to? I thought he was the one with the cheapest mode of transpo? Eh see how the funds are in the next few weeks. CC is getting used again, really want to avoid that.