Everybody's Worried About the Shooting?

Aug 21, 2008 01:04

Today was memorable because of two things: it was Move-In Day on Campus and I got my photo taken. Let's start with the less stressful of the two...

As I walked to work from my parking structure, I immediately noticed an abundance of tents and cars on campus. Campus, which normally seems somewhat subdued before 9:00, was buzzing with a nervous energy. It's been chilly these past few mornings, only to heat up as the day progresses, but students were already breaking a sweat pushing huge bins of belongings toward their intended destinations.

For whatever reason, it always seems like a shock to me that students come back every single year. I guess I really do lose some perspective as a staff member--my life is no longer ruled by the academic calendar. I suppose that I'm getting old as well for I can barely remember what it was like to move into college myself! I remember that it was stressful and I can get bits and pieces but I would be the first to admit that I have become unable to empathize properly with these new students. I don't think that there's anything wrong with this position--I can't remember what it was like to be a college kid forever--but I do find it weird to be continually confronted by a construction that will forever elude you.

I wonder what it felt like to go to bed on that first night, knowing that I was going to be away from home for a significant portion of time. I remember being scared to make my back to campus after going over to a frat house with my roommate, but I don't think that I had any problem going to sleep? With some perspective under my belt, I wish that I could go back and see myself exerting my independence for one of the most significant times in my life thus far.

It was only during my brief stints outside that the reality of the situation hit me; in my office, it was just the same as any other day. I am excited for the new year to start and for students to begin to take an incredible journey.

One of the times that I was forced outside (it's hot out!) was for the second memorable, and somewhat traumatic, event. Today was the day where I had my picture taken.

I have not had my picture taken since I went back for a prom in my freshman year of college. Sure, I've had people take pictures of me, but that's hardly the same thing. I don't think that I was nervous or apprehensive, but all of the insecurities that I possess bubble up to the surface when I'm forced to commit my image to paper (or pixels?). There was a joke that a number of people in my old and current job were hired partially on their looks but I've always had trouble thinking of myself as attractive. This is not to say that I think that I'm ugly or that I have a sense that I'm the hottest thing out there, but it always comes as some sort of surprise when others comment on my physical features.

I think that a combination of things have caused be to become incredibly disinterested in my appearance. I understand that a basic standard must be maintained in order to function in the world, but, by and large, I don't place too much stock in the whole thing. I guess that I must be doing something right, though, as all of the major relationships that I've had started because somebody else expressed interest first?

In any case, make-up was applied and a photograph was taken. It's all about clenching the jaw, right Scott? My initial impression from looking at the 3" LCD screen was that I looked fine and that although I had initial qualms about my hair there was nothing really out place. Maybe I just have low self-esteem? It will be interesting to see the finished product of how this all turns out.

I'm not sure what it is about the whole process that makes me nervous. Do I think that people will judge me based on how I look in the photo? I feel a similar amount of anxiety with my Facebook photo. It's stupid I guess, to care so much, about whatever else is going on, and I certainly don't think that people are going to end up combing through either site to check people out, but I guess I care so much because photos in both instances are representations of who I am. Aren't I choosing how I'm expressing myself and therefore isn't it all right to make rudimentary assumptions about my nature based on those images? I don't know. It's late and I don't want to think about it.
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