우정이 뭐야..?
What exactly friendship is?
You have so many people you can call friends, you have people surround you, but you still feel lonely, like you're on you own..
There's so many group chats in your whatsapp, line, telegram, your SNS is flooded with people posting anything, yet you feel like you're invinsible to them. When you're asking something, they ignore it. I try to be positive, maybe they don't see it, or maybe they don't know the answer. But even they don't know the answer, shouldn't they replay it at least with "I dunno"?
So many colleagues, yet you get lunch alone. People blabbering in front of you, but they don't include you in their talk. People getting together, but they don't ask you to join, and when they finally ask later on, it's already too late.
Sometimes people don't know how they can make someone drown into negativity without they even realize it.
Like, I have this one group of friends, we used to chat everyday, the notif used to reach 300 or more, but now it stays at the bottom page. We used to tell everything, random story, walking diaries, travels, korean thingy, hangout schedule, but now, we hardly communicate. I used to say 'we don't need formality, I accept you as a person, as my friend, you can talk anything to me, from rubbish to important thing, from blabs to secret, I'll gladly listen, or even to the extent giving comment n suggestion if you want', but now we hardly told something, we hardly chat something. It's like there's a wall building up between us and no matter how I try to break it, it stubbornly stand.
But then I try to think quietly myself, maybe it's because of me, maybe I'm not that interesting to them, maybe I bored them, maybe we don't have something which connect us from the start......or maybe it's actually myself who don't try hard enough.
I don't know since when I closed myself and thinking that no, my stories is not that important, not that interesting to you, not that worth for you to comment. I've told them once, n they immediately rejected it and encourage me to tell them everything, and I really appreciated it. But again, it's my ownself whose holding me. Tho I have question n stories I want to share, I need suggestion, but I can't tell them. It's actually annoyed me when I can't say anything, but I just can't.
I feel like a hypocrite.
When I used to tell those to them but now I don't do it.
I feel so introvert.
I need their attention,
I need them to know that I want someone to talk,
I need them to know that I miss them,
but how they can know when I'm closing myself?
So I ask again,
What is friendship?
Why can't friendship be as beautiful as novel pictured it to be?
Why can't I have a friend who knows me n myself the best so I have someone I trust by my side?
Why can't life be as easy as what I read in fanfics or novels?
There's quote
"Frienship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything." -Muhammad Ali-
Is that mean, I haven't learned bout friendship?
Is that why even tho I have so many people I can call friends, but I always feel a constant loneliness?
Then can someone teach me what friendship is?