(no subject)
I can't sleep and I dont know why! I'm tired as hell but when I sleep my mind wont shut off and I'm mad!! I dont even know what I'm thinking about whih pisses me off even more, and then when I do try to cncentrate I keep thinking about how little I talk to tom...and then Josh going off for basic and that I wont see him for a few months. GAHHH!! I hate this!
I don't talk to tom as musch becasue his ass doesnt have school on Monday, Wendsday, and Saturday...where as I do, so he doesnt sign on until like 2 in the morning and thinks I'm going to be on waiting for him. And if for some rare occassion he is on earlier at a decent time he's invisable so I can't see him and if he doesnt see me online then we can't talk either way. And he's always playing his damn FF11 game and talks about it...I'm like wtf! I dont know jack shit about this game why are you tellin me this stuff. ANd when he's not talking about the FF11 game it's about all the girls he hangs out with and how they like him, is he tryin to make me jelous or something casue it's not workig, it's pissing me off!!And I have come to a conclusion...me and him will never be together no matter how much we want to deny it. He's never going to leave New York becasue his friends are there, I'm never going to leave Florida until my parents are dead and I can have rein of what I want to do. So we'll be in a Long Distance Relationship until we are both like 20 something years at best. I'm sorry, I'm not going to do this when I'm 20...I want to go out and have fun, I dont want to feel like the 3rd wheel when we hang out with friends...I want someone for myself that I can hold, lay on, hug and kiss. It's pathetic when you have been going out with someone for a year and you still crave those small touchs like in the begining of the relationship. I think thats why I went for Josh...he was willing to touch me and hug me and everything like a boyfriend would...and when you have been deprived of that from someone you care about it feels good to have someone doing it. The worst thing is though...
...I would have broken up with tom for josh...
frankie was trying to hook us up, which would have work only if josh wasnt going to go away for basic and then where ever else they decide to send him. I was not going to break up a Long Distance Relationship just to put myself in another one...how stupid would I be?
Josh is great though, he's funny, nice, intresting...he likes a few things I like (which compared to tom...i honestly dont know what that boy likes except for anime). The only problem alot of people have with him is that he is very sexual...which could be turned down a few notches but that's his personality...you can't and shouldn't try to change peoples' personality.
But here's a question for you all that decided to read this far...What would you do if you think a love is fading?? Stay with it casue they still love you? Or break up and see what else you can find even though you know you will be comparing all future spouses to the one your with now. Why? Cause at this moment you thought they were perfect at being your other half, you thought that from the begining, middle, and now the 'end'. What would you do? Give up a good thing because of a silly thing called doubt, or be a perfect actor for the rest of your life when your around this person?
A funny little story. When I was hangin out with tom...I didn't like him. I though he was just a nice boy at school that was friends with Amy so I decided to be nice. Everytime he asked me if I wanted to go to the movies I said yes becseu it would get me out of the house and away from my parents. Everyone told me liked me but i passes that off as complete bull...he only knew me for like 3 weeks, no one can start liking someone that fast. But when he gave me that kiss on the cheek infront of my door at night when he was dropping me off at home after our movie and pizza dinner at his house, I had to smile. and thats when I thought about it...he was sweet, comfortable to be around, funny, shy and whole bunch more, so i gave him a chance.
And that chance fucking screwed me over
He moved a week later...
when I was actually starting to like him...
he said it would only be 3 months...
it's been over a year...
how am I so sure about that?
He left before my birthday...
I've spent 2 birthdays without the guy i'm supposeable in love with
...aren't I lucky...
And people wonder why I'm a certain way with Josh, why I hang all over him and kiss him. Why I let him touch me the way he does. So here's the question again...
Should I give up what I have and go out looking?? Or stay and be happy with what I got?