Kaoru/Kyo - Dir en grey - Too Hard
Too Hard
Story Written by Tokiko
He and I were sitting in a room somewhere in the studio building, whichever really doesn't matter. We were on break but he just continued scribbling words in his notebook. He says that way he won't lose it, whether he mean the lyrics or just his mind - it's the same. I sat across from him smoking a cigarette and reading some papers lying around on the table. It didn't much mattered what they were about I was only there for him, watching him at work. Sometimes it can become dangerous. Like those flying paper balls, cups and ashtrays smashing to the wall, and the occasional table flipping, but I take my chances.
Why do I do it? I don't know. It's one of those unexplainable things that's best kept unexplained, if that makes any sense. Maybe I enjoy hearing sounds of paper ripping, or things smashing into pieces, and glass shattering, or just him screaming about who knows what. All I know is these are times that he'd rather be alone, and yet, I'm there and he doesn't mind.
He crumpled up a few more sheets of lyrics and tossed them towards my way missing each time until the notebook came, and I dodged it safely, due to former practice. I knew then I should do something.
"Wanna go out for a walk?" I asked him.
He let out a deep sighed. "Yea."
Each of us picked up a pack of cigarette for ourselves from a vending machine outside of a park. We didn't talk much during our walk, which was normal. It's the way we are. Or, the way it is when anyone's with him. Because unlike the persona he has on stage, off stage he doesn't speak much unless he feels the need to, and he has kind of a calm air to him - aside from whatever’s going on in his head. All and all, it's a comfortable silence we've gotten use to. Even the time had passed by gradually. Just the sort of peace I've wanted to find. For me, for him, for us.
We found a place for dinner at a bar restaurant. There was food, there was beer, but not to a wild extent, only to add some taste while washing down our dinner plates.
While we waited for the order to come I noticed he kept looking anywhere but me, who was sitting straight across from him like back in the studio. Expect this time he didn't have his notebook to block me from his view, or a distraction of any sort. Therefore, it was really just me and him, so looking at me right in the face would have had to mean something. Instead, he started to look like he wanted to leave.
Then he opened his mouth and hesitated as though he wasn't sure if he should say what he wanted to say. But, he said 'nevermind', and I did not try to insisted, 'what?' because I knew better than to ask. It was mostly likely something I didn't need to hear.
Later, we somehow ended up in front of his place. We said our farewells. He went inside, and I continued to stand outside. I was wondering if I should just go. So I lingered a bit longer, until I went to knock on his door.
He opened the door without a shirt on, maybe he was about to go to take a shower or jump into bed. But I didn't want to care much for that. Inviting himself in to the darkness which was supposed to be his living room, I heard the door shut behind me. The only light was a small lamp at the corner right next to the couch and window. It was only bright enough to see silhouettes, forms, shapes.
He was behind me, and he asked, "What are you doing here?" at his place.
I thought for a second about his question and got nothing. But I turned around and he was right there looking at me with his eyes almost like glowing. It was strange. My arms were moving by themselves, and they ran around his waist, pulling him towards me.
Before I knew I had him pressed against a wall with my hand riding up and down his naked back and shoulders. He was trying to push me away, shouting words in my ear. But I just pressed on him more into the wall. I heard myself growl as I went down to his neck, taking a deep inhale of him, of his skin and his sensuous sweat. I dipped my tongue in to take the first taste. I liked it, so I took a bite. His defensive grunt became a pleasure moan, that's how I knew I was going at it the right way.
I tried at the last barrier I had, loosening his belt. Again, he tried to push me off him, but this time it seemed more halfheartedly. Like he's afraid he might just want this, but can't give in too easily. So I took the challenge, letting him free and watching him ran. Though, after only a second I go after him once more, grabbing him as we fall into my landing, pinning him to the carpeted floor.
"Hey!" he cried out.
I covered his mouth with mine before anything can stop this from happening as far as it had. I wanted more. I wanted to fill him up with me. I wanted my tongue in his throat. And me in him. I needed this. We both needed this.
I started tugging at his belt and pulling his pants. His hand was grabbing at me. He was telling me to slow down. I ignored his plea and tried even harder to get him completely naked. I ran my lips over his to convince him again and again that this was right. His lips felt like silk, and I pressed harder because I wanted more of it.
Maybe too hard, I heard breaking glass. We instantly stopped. He went up on his feet and went to turn on the big light that illuminated from the living room ceiling. It was a glass of water that fell from the coffee table. And from there we just stop, no, he told me to stop.
. . . I was out in front of his place. I wondered if I should knock or ring the door bell.