[one-shot] Blind
Title: Blind
Pairing(s): Jaemin, Yoosu & Yunjae if you squint
Rating: PG (barely)
Warnings: All of my one-shots are quite long, this one is 3,043 words
Genre: drama,slight angst, slice-of-life
A/N: Written in Changmin's POV
Summary: Jaejoong is blind to Changmin's obvious feelings. Changmin reflects on his hyungs and what love means to him.
Sitting in the livingroom, I didn't know that hyung was suddenly sitting next to me. I lifted my eyes from my book when I felt a hard knock on my shoulder.
"What?" I sounded more aggresive than I really felt, my eyes adjusting to his face rather than words.
"Dinner is almost ready."
Simple answer and I shrug because it seems unimportant compared to the nameless victim in my story who's murder is still a mystery.
"What are you reading Minnie ah?"
I roll my eyes.
"Just a book, you wouldn't know it."
I smirk because it's a direct insult to his intelligence and he just shrugs, agreeing with me. I continue skimming the pages with my eyes and feel a warm uncomfortable heat leaning against me.
"What are you doing hyung?" I ask, feeling like a person bed or bench or something.
"I'm tired Changmin ah, be good to your hyung."
I snort and shake my head. My finger moves back to the place in the book where I ended. When hyung falls asleep I don't disturb him although it's not comfortable for me. I don't mean when he's asleep because there is something attractive about his still features. I can't describe it, but it's always been there and I doubt it will ever go away.
Dinner is called for by one of the other hyungs and I am not hesitant to wake up Jaejoong hyung.
"Hyung! Wake up, your heavy and unattractive while sleeping."
He stirs and opens his eyes slowly. I push him off of me and stand up with my book. He falls onto the couch a little and complains but stands up, smacking me in the arm. I smack him back and then we continue until we sit down.
"The children have come to the table." Yoochun hyung jokes and smiles tiredly.
Jaejoong hyung and I glare at each other over food. Eventually I kick him under the table and a moment of silence goes by before he tries to retaliate.
"Ow! Yoochun ah!"
Junsu hyung has a bitter expression and Yoochun hyung looks confused.
"I didn't do anything-for once."
He shrugs and Jaejoong hyung is biting his lip, looking at the food on the table with a half smile. The smile makes me laugh randomly and then I am blamed for it.
"Your legs are long enough, keep them to yourself." Junsu hyung mumbles, though I know he will get over it quickly.
Yunho hyung shakes his head like he's watching children and folds his hand. The rest of the time we all pretty much eat in silence, thinking about our own problems or thoughts. When Yoochun hyung and Junsu hyung leave, Jaejoong hyung speaks up.
"Yunho ah, you should eat more."
He places his own plate in front of Yunho hyung who seems bored with food. He looks stressed which seems to be his set expression. It shows all over his face and body, yet he just doesn't complain about it.
"I'm fine, I have eaten a lot Jae." Yunho hyung assures and Jaejoong hyung looks annoyed.
I excuse myself and get up because I don't want to be at the table anymore. It is somewhat frustrating to watch and I rather be doing something else with my time. Their conversations always seem to be intimate and personal, I feel like I shouldn't be around them when they are talking at times. Like I said, it's rather annoying..
On Friday night I am spending time with my girlfriend. I met her through my mother and I think she really likes me. I am not so sure about my feelings yet because we have hardly met. These kinds of thoughts make me feel uneasy because she asks me things about the me on stage.
She has these expectations like, "Oppa, do something cute. You are so cute" or "Why are you so sweet to me?" If she cannot see past that then we'll be over with soon.
I kiss her in a dark resturaunt and she seems happy so for the time being I am comforted by her pretty smile. She has a pretty face and pretty smile but she has no substance. My mom likes her though and she studies hard. It hurts a lot when I have to leave her despite my confused feelings but when I come back to the apartment the feelings mellow out a little.
Hyung is in the kitchen, leaning against the counter with a dark expression.
"You look like a demon hyung." I comment under my breath as I pass him.
He looks up at me with glaring eyes and I shrug it off. What could the problem be?
"You're radiating waves of hate hyung, what's wrong?" I ask, feeling a little impatient from the visit with my girlfriend.
Hyung looks at me with a tired and annoyed expression.
"I hate my family." He says in a low voice, his face growing darker.
I nod slowly though I have no clue of the circumstances.
"I hope you never have to meet this side.." He trials off and looks sad suddenly.
At this time I am not sure what to do so I just leave him there and grab some water. A hand on my shoulder makes me turn around and then hyung's eyes are wet. I nearly spill my water because he hugs onto me tightly. I am partially surprised and then kind of not because he was obviously sad. I put one arm around his back and hold my glass with the other.
"Sometimes it's best to leave things alone." I say, thinking it might relate to his ongoing problem.
He nods against my chest and I felt sort of bad for my hyung. He always seems confused but I think it was the way he was raised. I couldn't imagine having bad parents because mine were always very kind. I cup his face and push it up quickly. It's not really a tender moment because I am not so good at those, particularly with hyung. It makes me feel uneasy when he cries.
"Have water." I suggest, pushing my glass into his hand.
He nods and drinks it, moving away from me. I cross my arms and sigh, then yawn. It's already rather late.
"You should sleep on it hyung." I advise, taking the glass from him when he's just standing there looking thoughtful.
His head comes back from whatever thoughts he's in and he glances at me for a moment.
"I should be helping you." He laughs slightly bitterly.
"You're my hyung, I do what I can."
He laughs genuinely at me and pats my shoulder.
"You're getting so mature Minnie ah."
I snort loudly and brush his hand off.
"Leave me alone Hyung."
Then I smile and leave. When I lay down that night I feel like I can sleep well. Jaejoong hyung falls asleep instantly and it aids me in finding my own dream place. It's difficult to sleep or even try to sleep well when my hyungs or when hyung is feeling stressed.
Three weeks later and we're all in China. The country is beautiful and I like it a lot, but the airports seem filled with overly anxious fans. Yunho hyung and Jaejoong hyung are sick almost three days after we arrive. They both feel horrible and the rest of us are worried we might get sick too.
The two have to stay behind a lot and Yunho hyung is pushing everyone to their limits. It is partially because he himself tires out so easily now and partially because we have a concert in a few days.
I'm exhuasted by wednesday and we're all kept up in a stuffy hotel room while it rains. Jaejoong hyung eventually comes out to me around 21.35 and I'm standing by the window, watching the rain. It's pouring so heavily and I snap my head around in surprise when I feel someone next to me.
His eyes are red and his skin looks heated. He is defenitely sick and I fake the gesture of quaranteening him. He gives me a tired grin.
"Shut up." His voice is raspy.
My fingers fidget a little nervously.
"I think I have a fever Changmin ah." He is leaning his forehead against the cold glass window.
"Did you take your temperature?"
He shakes his head.
"Aspirin?"
He shakes his head again.
"Are you an idiot?"
He puts on a small smile and shakes his head again. I prompt him to sit down, feeling like this shouldn't be my job but maybe Yunho's who is sick too. I grab some aspirin and tap water from the sink. The thermometer is lying next to Yunho hyung's table who looks really bad. He wears sickness really horribly and I cringe a little. Looking at Jaejoong hyung my expressions don't change. He never seems to wear anything badly and it could make a person sick thinking about it.
"Take two. Drink all the water, lay down and lie still."
Jaejoong hyung nods compliantly and lays across the small couch in the corner of the hotel room. I sit on the edge of the couch, yawning and looking back out the window.
"Thanks Changmin ah."
I nod slowly, suddenly feeling tired and like my eyes might betray me. My lids feel heavy and then my cellphone pentrates the silence of the room. I look at the caller ID, it's just my girlfriend and I don't feel like talking.
"Who's that?"
Hyung is always very nosey about our personal lives.
"Nobody." I say casually and it makes me think she now has a reason to call me an asshole.
Hasn't she been asking why I am so sweet? Take that sweetheart. Jaejoong hyung studies my face while I think these amusing thoughts. I fold my hands and yawn again.
"You can go to bed Minnie."
I shrug.
"No, I'm awake now." I say, figuring I'll wait until hyung is asleep to leave.
It isn't long and his breathing is even. Once again he has these peaceful features that no one can see in the daytime. I wonder if the other hyungs have noticed how much nicer he is to be around when he is asleep. Looking at these features I suddenly think of my girlfriend and realize the connection is strange.
Hyung isn't dating and I don't think I've ever seen hyung in a relationship longer than a month. Besides busy schedules I know there's something more to it. He's been ignored by many women and I find it to be strange. Although he complains a lot he has a strong and loyal character.
I eventually lay down on my own bed and think a little before I fall into sleep. Hyung has a prettier mouth than my girlfriend does...
Within time Yunho hyung and Jaejoong hyung are better but I am finally sick. My eyes are puffy and my head feels unbearable but I try to make it through practice. Sometime during I have to leave and just calm my mind. I feel a heavy pain in my chest and I am lightheaded. I lean against the counter of the sink and close my eyes. Everything spins for a moment.
I don't want to show my hyungs how bad I feel and at the same time I feel like if I don't my head might explode at that moment. Splashing some water on my face helps and then I turn to head back into the studio. I can endure just a little longer and then there will be no problems. Jaejoong hyung practically knocks into me, apparently standing behind me closely and I accidentally shoot him a mean look.
"Why arent you practicing with the other hyungs?" I ask somewhat demandingly.
I didn't want anyone to see my infirmities because I feel like an adult now. Hyung shakes his head, wiping his tired eyes and moving close to me.
"You look really sick Changmin ah." He says softly, looking into the mirror at his own reflection for a moment.
I've never met anybody who looks well when they are working so hard, but hyung, is a bit of an exception.
"I am fine hyung.." I say but my voice comes out a lot weaker than I expected.
He raises his short arms and reaches up high to touch my forehead. Hyung's hand is soft and warm and I wonder if he'll even be able to tell whether or not I have a fever with such warmth.
"You probably have a fever, you should-"
But then Yunho hyung comes in and asks if everything is alright. I nod and walk away from my other hyung, happy to leave. The rest of practice is brutal but Yunho hyung makes it short, Yoochun hyung seems to be getting sick as well. Junsu hyung is constantly at his side trying to see if he can do anything.
There has always been this slight division amongst the members, just like, this surface division and so it is true that everyone seems to split into these pairs at times. When Jaejoong hyung is sick, Yunho hyung tries to not be worried and takes care of him. When Junsu hyung is sick, Yoochun hyung will silently compose his music in the room that hyung is sick in. He'll stay and look like he doesn't care or isn't paying attention but he always knows exactly how Junsu hyung is feeling by the minute.
But, being the youngest I sometimes wonder where I fit into those set pairings and it makes me a little annoyed that I think so much into it. All of my hyungs help me at one point and they all try to do their best to see that I am comfortable. It's too weird of a feeling to describe but it's maybe something like being a child who is spoiled. The child feels good but there is probably always that one thing that the child wants, something sincere and not forced. I hate using analogies with children, by the way.
When we're back in Korea I go to visit my girlfriend and the other members agree that I should. None of them have been able to keep full relationships and I guess, I really haven't either but my girlfriend is the last thing on my mind. When I see her, we spend time together alone for a long time.
It's late when I get to see her and everything is so quiet. By the time I go to leave it's almost 4.00am. We lay on the couch together, in the dark, just sitting and talking or thinking quietly. She says all of these sweet words and I smile but they don't really settle past that. She never expects me to say them back and I realize that sincere feeling isn't with her either.
When I leave with these cynical thoughts, I don't seem bitter. I kiss her because she's a good kisser and then head to my car. I'm careful when I get home and when I sneak into the apartment. The other hyungs are asleep and Yoochun hyung is still sick too. I've felt better for awhile but my immune system is so much better than Yoochun hyungs.
Taking off my shoes I see a hyung on the couch. Almost instantly I realize it's Jaejoong hyung and then just ignore him because I know he wont be authoritative about the time like Yunho hyung might.
"How did it go?"
I don't stop and head into the kitchen.
"It was fine."
"Oh?"
"Yeah..I think I might break up with her."
Jaejoong hyung seems a little shocked by how casually I say that.
"O-oh? Is everything okay?"
I shrug and pour a glass of water.
"Yeah, I guess."
"Well, I guess not."
I wonder why his mood is so sour when it's my girlfriend I will be breaking up with.
"Changmin ah, you should really try to make this relationship work.."
I turn around to face him, calm but annoyed.
"This relationship? Hyung, I have no relationship with you. You wouldn't understand."
Jaejoong hyung seems suprised at the way I joked with his words. I sat down and instantly trapped myself in a bad conversation.
"I've had relationships too Changmin, I can understand but you probably have something better than you think.."
I wonder now if hyung is calling me arrogant or big headed. I take a drink of my water and realize he really has no clue about my feelings. He has no idea about how I tick or how I think or any of that when it comes to love or more appropriately, relationships.
"I see hyung." I say, smirking a little because I know he'll never know.
"Changmin ah, do you think playing with peoples feelings are funny, do you think love is ridiculous?"
He really seems to have a bad image of me and I wonder how that's possible when we live with Yoochun hyung.
"No, maybe just stupid but I know nothing about playing with feelings." I respond instantly, giving him a bit of a harsh look.
He looks at the table then and we sit in this awkward silence.
"It's just worth saying that if you let something go, you'll regret it."
I nod, not understanding the connection truly because I have never given the impression of love with this girl. I know then it is not about me at all, but about hyung. I sigh a little loudly and shake my head.
"Hyung?" I say slowly.
He looks up at me with confused eyes, his mind far off somewhere else.
"Do you want to know what I think about love?"
Hyung nods slowly and I know he's looking for these magical words that will make his own problems go away for forever or to somehow make his guilty expression fade away.
"I think love is a reason to be blind."
Hyung looks at me closely, eyes narrowing a little.
"Are you blind Changmin ah?"
I open my mouth, somewhat surprised that he's asking me that question. I look back at him carefully, taking a drink before I stand up to take a shower.
"Yes, hyung."
Pairing(s): Jaemin, Yoosu & Yunjae if you squint
Rating: PG (barely)
Warnings: All of my one-shots are quite long, this one is 3,043 words
Genre: drama,slight angst, slice-of-life
A/N: Written in Changmin's POV
Summary: Jaejoong is blind to Changmin's obvious feelings. Changmin reflects on his hyungs and what love means to him.
Sitting in the livingroom, I didn't know that hyung was suddenly sitting next to me. I lifted my eyes from my book when I felt a hard knock on my shoulder.
"What?" I sounded more aggresive than I really felt, my eyes adjusting to his face rather than words.
"Dinner is almost ready."
Simple answer and I shrug because it seems unimportant compared to the nameless victim in my story who's murder is still a mystery.
"What are you reading Minnie ah?"
I roll my eyes.
"Just a book, you wouldn't know it."
I smirk because it's a direct insult to his intelligence and he just shrugs, agreeing with me. I continue skimming the pages with my eyes and feel a warm uncomfortable heat leaning against me.
"What are you doing hyung?" I ask, feeling like a person bed or bench or something.
"I'm tired Changmin ah, be good to your hyung."
I snort and shake my head. My finger moves back to the place in the book where I ended. When hyung falls asleep I don't disturb him although it's not comfortable for me. I don't mean when he's asleep because there is something attractive about his still features. I can't describe it, but it's always been there and I doubt it will ever go away.
Dinner is called for by one of the other hyungs and I am not hesitant to wake up Jaejoong hyung.
"Hyung! Wake up, your heavy and unattractive while sleeping."
He stirs and opens his eyes slowly. I push him off of me and stand up with my book. He falls onto the couch a little and complains but stands up, smacking me in the arm. I smack him back and then we continue until we sit down.
"The children have come to the table." Yoochun hyung jokes and smiles tiredly.
Jaejoong hyung and I glare at each other over food. Eventually I kick him under the table and a moment of silence goes by before he tries to retaliate.
"Ow! Yoochun ah!"
Junsu hyung has a bitter expression and Yoochun hyung looks confused.
"I didn't do anything-for once."
He shrugs and Jaejoong hyung is biting his lip, looking at the food on the table with a half smile. The smile makes me laugh randomly and then I am blamed for it.
"Your legs are long enough, keep them to yourself." Junsu hyung mumbles, though I know he will get over it quickly.
Yunho hyung shakes his head like he's watching children and folds his hand. The rest of the time we all pretty much eat in silence, thinking about our own problems or thoughts. When Yoochun hyung and Junsu hyung leave, Jaejoong hyung speaks up.
"Yunho ah, you should eat more."
He places his own plate in front of Yunho hyung who seems bored with food. He looks stressed which seems to be his set expression. It shows all over his face and body, yet he just doesn't complain about it.
"I'm fine, I have eaten a lot Jae." Yunho hyung assures and Jaejoong hyung looks annoyed.
I excuse myself and get up because I don't want to be at the table anymore. It is somewhat frustrating to watch and I rather be doing something else with my time. Their conversations always seem to be intimate and personal, I feel like I shouldn't be around them when they are talking at times. Like I said, it's rather annoying..
On Friday night I am spending time with my girlfriend. I met her through my mother and I think she really likes me. I am not so sure about my feelings yet because we have hardly met. These kinds of thoughts make me feel uneasy because she asks me things about the me on stage.
She has these expectations like, "Oppa, do something cute. You are so cute" or "Why are you so sweet to me?" If she cannot see past that then we'll be over with soon.
I kiss her in a dark resturaunt and she seems happy so for the time being I am comforted by her pretty smile. She has a pretty face and pretty smile but she has no substance. My mom likes her though and she studies hard. It hurts a lot when I have to leave her despite my confused feelings but when I come back to the apartment the feelings mellow out a little.
Hyung is in the kitchen, leaning against the counter with a dark expression.
"You look like a demon hyung." I comment under my breath as I pass him.
He looks up at me with glaring eyes and I shrug it off. What could the problem be?
"You're radiating waves of hate hyung, what's wrong?" I ask, feeling a little impatient from the visit with my girlfriend.
Hyung looks at me with a tired and annoyed expression.
"I hate my family." He says in a low voice, his face growing darker.
I nod slowly though I have no clue of the circumstances.
"I hope you never have to meet this side.." He trials off and looks sad suddenly.
At this time I am not sure what to do so I just leave him there and grab some water. A hand on my shoulder makes me turn around and then hyung's eyes are wet. I nearly spill my water because he hugs onto me tightly. I am partially surprised and then kind of not because he was obviously sad. I put one arm around his back and hold my glass with the other.
"Sometimes it's best to leave things alone." I say, thinking it might relate to his ongoing problem.
He nods against my chest and I felt sort of bad for my hyung. He always seems confused but I think it was the way he was raised. I couldn't imagine having bad parents because mine were always very kind. I cup his face and push it up quickly. It's not really a tender moment because I am not so good at those, particularly with hyung. It makes me feel uneasy when he cries.
"Have water." I suggest, pushing my glass into his hand.
He nods and drinks it, moving away from me. I cross my arms and sigh, then yawn. It's already rather late.
"You should sleep on it hyung." I advise, taking the glass from him when he's just standing there looking thoughtful.
His head comes back from whatever thoughts he's in and he glances at me for a moment.
"I should be helping you." He laughs slightly bitterly.
"You're my hyung, I do what I can."
He laughs genuinely at me and pats my shoulder.
"You're getting so mature Minnie ah."
I snort loudly and brush his hand off.
"Leave me alone Hyung."
Then I smile and leave. When I lay down that night I feel like I can sleep well. Jaejoong hyung falls asleep instantly and it aids me in finding my own dream place. It's difficult to sleep or even try to sleep well when my hyungs or when hyung is feeling stressed.
Three weeks later and we're all in China. The country is beautiful and I like it a lot, but the airports seem filled with overly anxious fans. Yunho hyung and Jaejoong hyung are sick almost three days after we arrive. They both feel horrible and the rest of us are worried we might get sick too.
The two have to stay behind a lot and Yunho hyung is pushing everyone to their limits. It is partially because he himself tires out so easily now and partially because we have a concert in a few days.
I'm exhuasted by wednesday and we're all kept up in a stuffy hotel room while it rains. Jaejoong hyung eventually comes out to me around 21.35 and I'm standing by the window, watching the rain. It's pouring so heavily and I snap my head around in surprise when I feel someone next to me.
His eyes are red and his skin looks heated. He is defenitely sick and I fake the gesture of quaranteening him. He gives me a tired grin.
"Shut up." His voice is raspy.
My fingers fidget a little nervously.
"I think I have a fever Changmin ah." He is leaning his forehead against the cold glass window.
"Did you take your temperature?"
He shakes his head.
"Aspirin?"
He shakes his head again.
"Are you an idiot?"
He puts on a small smile and shakes his head again. I prompt him to sit down, feeling like this shouldn't be my job but maybe Yunho's who is sick too. I grab some aspirin and tap water from the sink. The thermometer is lying next to Yunho hyung's table who looks really bad. He wears sickness really horribly and I cringe a little. Looking at Jaejoong hyung my expressions don't change. He never seems to wear anything badly and it could make a person sick thinking about it.
"Take two. Drink all the water, lay down and lie still."
Jaejoong hyung nods compliantly and lays across the small couch in the corner of the hotel room. I sit on the edge of the couch, yawning and looking back out the window.
"Thanks Changmin ah."
I nod slowly, suddenly feeling tired and like my eyes might betray me. My lids feel heavy and then my cellphone pentrates the silence of the room. I look at the caller ID, it's just my girlfriend and I don't feel like talking.
"Who's that?"
Hyung is always very nosey about our personal lives.
"Nobody." I say casually and it makes me think she now has a reason to call me an asshole.
Hasn't she been asking why I am so sweet? Take that sweetheart. Jaejoong hyung studies my face while I think these amusing thoughts. I fold my hands and yawn again.
"You can go to bed Minnie."
I shrug.
"No, I'm awake now." I say, figuring I'll wait until hyung is asleep to leave.
It isn't long and his breathing is even. Once again he has these peaceful features that no one can see in the daytime. I wonder if the other hyungs have noticed how much nicer he is to be around when he is asleep. Looking at these features I suddenly think of my girlfriend and realize the connection is strange.
Hyung isn't dating and I don't think I've ever seen hyung in a relationship longer than a month. Besides busy schedules I know there's something more to it. He's been ignored by many women and I find it to be strange. Although he complains a lot he has a strong and loyal character.
I eventually lay down on my own bed and think a little before I fall into sleep. Hyung has a prettier mouth than my girlfriend does...
Within time Yunho hyung and Jaejoong hyung are better but I am finally sick. My eyes are puffy and my head feels unbearable but I try to make it through practice. Sometime during I have to leave and just calm my mind. I feel a heavy pain in my chest and I am lightheaded. I lean against the counter of the sink and close my eyes. Everything spins for a moment.
I don't want to show my hyungs how bad I feel and at the same time I feel like if I don't my head might explode at that moment. Splashing some water on my face helps and then I turn to head back into the studio. I can endure just a little longer and then there will be no problems. Jaejoong hyung practically knocks into me, apparently standing behind me closely and I accidentally shoot him a mean look.
"Why arent you practicing with the other hyungs?" I ask somewhat demandingly.
I didn't want anyone to see my infirmities because I feel like an adult now. Hyung shakes his head, wiping his tired eyes and moving close to me.
"You look really sick Changmin ah." He says softly, looking into the mirror at his own reflection for a moment.
I've never met anybody who looks well when they are working so hard, but hyung, is a bit of an exception.
"I am fine hyung.." I say but my voice comes out a lot weaker than I expected.
He raises his short arms and reaches up high to touch my forehead. Hyung's hand is soft and warm and I wonder if he'll even be able to tell whether or not I have a fever with such warmth.
"You probably have a fever, you should-"
But then Yunho hyung comes in and asks if everything is alright. I nod and walk away from my other hyung, happy to leave. The rest of practice is brutal but Yunho hyung makes it short, Yoochun hyung seems to be getting sick as well. Junsu hyung is constantly at his side trying to see if he can do anything.
There has always been this slight division amongst the members, just like, this surface division and so it is true that everyone seems to split into these pairs at times. When Jaejoong hyung is sick, Yunho hyung tries to not be worried and takes care of him. When Junsu hyung is sick, Yoochun hyung will silently compose his music in the room that hyung is sick in. He'll stay and look like he doesn't care or isn't paying attention but he always knows exactly how Junsu hyung is feeling by the minute.
But, being the youngest I sometimes wonder where I fit into those set pairings and it makes me a little annoyed that I think so much into it. All of my hyungs help me at one point and they all try to do their best to see that I am comfortable. It's too weird of a feeling to describe but it's maybe something like being a child who is spoiled. The child feels good but there is probably always that one thing that the child wants, something sincere and not forced. I hate using analogies with children, by the way.
When we're back in Korea I go to visit my girlfriend and the other members agree that I should. None of them have been able to keep full relationships and I guess, I really haven't either but my girlfriend is the last thing on my mind. When I see her, we spend time together alone for a long time.
It's late when I get to see her and everything is so quiet. By the time I go to leave it's almost 4.00am. We lay on the couch together, in the dark, just sitting and talking or thinking quietly. She says all of these sweet words and I smile but they don't really settle past that. She never expects me to say them back and I realize that sincere feeling isn't with her either.
When I leave with these cynical thoughts, I don't seem bitter. I kiss her because she's a good kisser and then head to my car. I'm careful when I get home and when I sneak into the apartment. The other hyungs are asleep and Yoochun hyung is still sick too. I've felt better for awhile but my immune system is so much better than Yoochun hyungs.
Taking off my shoes I see a hyung on the couch. Almost instantly I realize it's Jaejoong hyung and then just ignore him because I know he wont be authoritative about the time like Yunho hyung might.
"How did it go?"
I don't stop and head into the kitchen.
"It was fine."
"Oh?"
"Yeah..I think I might break up with her."
Jaejoong hyung seems a little shocked by how casually I say that.
"O-oh? Is everything okay?"
I shrug and pour a glass of water.
"Yeah, I guess."
"Well, I guess not."
I wonder why his mood is so sour when it's my girlfriend I will be breaking up with.
"Changmin ah, you should really try to make this relationship work.."
I turn around to face him, calm but annoyed.
"This relationship? Hyung, I have no relationship with you. You wouldn't understand."
Jaejoong hyung seems suprised at the way I joked with his words. I sat down and instantly trapped myself in a bad conversation.
"I've had relationships too Changmin, I can understand but you probably have something better than you think.."
I wonder now if hyung is calling me arrogant or big headed. I take a drink of my water and realize he really has no clue about my feelings. He has no idea about how I tick or how I think or any of that when it comes to love or more appropriately, relationships.
"I see hyung." I say, smirking a little because I know he'll never know.
"Changmin ah, do you think playing with peoples feelings are funny, do you think love is ridiculous?"
He really seems to have a bad image of me and I wonder how that's possible when we live with Yoochun hyung.
"No, maybe just stupid but I know nothing about playing with feelings." I respond instantly, giving him a bit of a harsh look.
He looks at the table then and we sit in this awkward silence.
"It's just worth saying that if you let something go, you'll regret it."
I nod, not understanding the connection truly because I have never given the impression of love with this girl. I know then it is not about me at all, but about hyung. I sigh a little loudly and shake my head.
"Hyung?" I say slowly.
He looks up at me with confused eyes, his mind far off somewhere else.
"Do you want to know what I think about love?"
Hyung nods slowly and I know he's looking for these magical words that will make his own problems go away for forever or to somehow make his guilty expression fade away.
"I think love is a reason to be blind."
Hyung looks at me closely, eyes narrowing a little.
"Are you blind Changmin ah?"
I open my mouth, somewhat surprised that he's asking me that question. I look back at him carefully, taking a drink before I stand up to take a shower.
"Yes, hyung."