[one-shot] Venom
Title: Venom
Pairing(s): Yunjae
Rating: G
Warnings: 825 words
Genre: angst, slice of life,
A/N: Really angsty. Inspired by my own break up and completely Yunho's reflection on the situation.
Summary: Yunho chose the honorable path and walked away from his relationship with Jaejoong with his pride. Was that all he had left? The leader's heart and mind tries to settle as he deals with the break up.
It was quiet. The lights were dim and the air had become chilly. His eyes drifted out the window, past the lights and cars as well…
Why? The feelings wouldn’t simmer in his heart or his mind. Nothing could seem to make his realization less painful.
It’s life. Yoochun had said that, hadn’t he? In that moment, he had found those words comforting. But applying them was different. He nodded, smiling like he always did or how he thought he always did.
It wasn’t meant to be. That was what had slipped out of the youngest mouth. He had chosen to acknowledge the fact that their magnae was quite perceptive. His eyes softened, really softened and he nodded like he had used to or how he thought he always had before.
Work did keep his mind busy but not focused. He had to be though. The nights of staring at the ceiling and waking up feeling exhausted were not only hurting himself, but everyone else. It was his responsibility to not have feelings sometimes. It was self sacrifice for the better and oh quite honorable.
However, honor didn’t wipe away unnecessary tears or mend broken hearts. It didn’t fill the lonely space in your bed or give you back your confidence.
His eyes followed the drops of rain. 2:00 AM and he needed to be up in a couple of hours…
He remembered, remembered everything vividly. In a song, a fragrance, scenery, and it followed him relentlessly. These memories were the most difficult to erase. The most painful to try to.
Make new memories to overlap the old ones. Soon the feelings wIll blur and you won’t be able to recall how special these times were. Soon you won’t carry them so close, you won’t think of them so often. You won’t isolate them and you’ll forget. Just forget.
Advice was easy to accept and difficult to apply. Like anything could soothe the relatively new ache easily. It was like all of those sad love songs seemed to catch up with him and swirl around in his mind until it seemed they could only be playing for him. They were, weren’t they?
He knew better than anyone about how life was. About how things happened, for the most part, with an exceptionally good reason. About how things that once seemed unclear would eventually be clarified in the future. Where was his present comfort though? Gone with his lover…
He knew better than anyone about how much he should dislike the other. It was obvious wasn’t it? Everyone who had been let into his mind told him this. He wanted to hate with all of his strength but not his heart. His heart had been beaten enough without the burden of hating someone.
The smallest part of him longed for things to be the same, for his sleep to be more peaceful and the memories he was trying to forget be his reminiscence.
Yet, he had become full aware of the damage and wrongness of the situation. The acute pain in his heart, the bitterness, the insecurity, the sacrifice and the future. These didn’t just walk away. So, when his mind seemed irresolute, his feet would stop moving abruptly.
His chest would hurt painfully for a moment, his eyes would roll back as he thought to himself and his hand would stop dialing the numbers or turning the door knob.
After rehearsal, he carried himself from the studio to the lounge. His strong attitude vacated as he left the room.
His eyes caught the others figure and the strongest smile. The pain came rushing back. Crashed into him when realization meant, why am I so weak that I hurt for someone who doesn’t feel the same way?
The blonde handed him water and Yunho complied, nodding as he tried not to let the thoughts rushing in his mind gush from his mouth. So many thoughts had kidnapped his mind and personality for the past weeks. He felt it was necessary to yell, or to talk, or to make the other feel the kind of sadness that he had. Was that possible?
But, Jaejoong smiled. Yunho smiled and Jaejoong continued on without him. Nothing was stopping but himself, nothing was hurting but himself.
He leaned against the wall, arms crossed and forehead resting. If he could erase his memories he would be a changed person and the mistake wouldn’t be learned, would it?
To harbor pain in your heart, to have that dose of venom will slowly begin to heal the aching. The next time, Yunho would be prepared and his heart would be a little less willing. He hoped like all of the heavens that his ex-lover wouldn’t have to carry feelings like these.
He closed his eyes that night, breathing out and allowing the venom to spread painfully.