(no subject)

[tokencitizen]

I wondered if I were weak, inferior in genetic material, insane, homicidal. Then I realized I was neither of these but rather trapped at 10 years old, scared and scarred, who has no idea of what love is or how to accept it.

I am ten and my life is half over.

I have lived in mold and water laden basements in the projects of Durham. I have lived in the elitist area of Alexandria. I am retarded in emotion, a magna cum laude in books.

I am 10 years old and stagnant.

I can’t change. I won’t change. I must change. I can’t breathe while so stunted. I can’t see anything other than heartache and emptiness. Can I feel? I must find a way back to the land of the living.

I am dying. I’m 10 years old.

I see her face everyday on matte paper. Today she spoke to me and I replied, voice quivering. I am heavy. I am tired. Others are weary of my burden. I try to lighten.

I wish myself light. I wish myself whole.

And she walked down a path she believed to be safe and true. She followed me, my smiling face, my tapping feet, as I led her into my darkness. She is not of my world and for that I give praise. She walks over me, not beside me - the way it should be - the way it is.

I wish myself her.

I am 10 years old. I am dead and I wish I were not.