I wish I was here
I wish most days i could decipher the code in my mind. I cant seem to figure out why i am feeling the way i am feeling on most day. I am emotional, unpredictable, and just not really all that much fun.
What is grinding through my head is all the same cluttered bullshit it has been for months now. first there are the thoughts of the hospital, then there is the pressure of turning into a married man, then there is the need to succeed at my job and make more money. these things i feel like drive my life. i got denied for the credit amount that i would need to achieve one of these things. who knows why. so many thing that i pride myself on spawn from failures in my life
example, I am very independent and i am a problem solver. i think outside the box and people praise me for my ability to quickly analyze and solve even the most complicated problems. the problem with that is that it comes from a need that has been forced into me at an age that was too early fro the maturity level that i was at. there are more examples like that it just tends to suck after a while.
Beyond that i feel like i have grown up and turned into an old person inside. not because i don't like to have fun but as of late it doesn't really exist for me. I haven't made quality friends in DC but i am making progress. people always say that i can be friends with anyone but there is a clarification that is needed. it is easy for people to want to be friends with me and become my acquaintances but often times they are more friendly to me than i intend to return. there is just a lot of fakeness inside me lately that i cant shake. I don't really have desire to carry on relationships with people who i don't necessarily like. I am just a basket case
right now i am just sitting vegging out and i cant for the life of me figure out why i am so down. how do i get out of this funk? i fall into pretty regular and deep depressions when i am alone and i don't have a drive to do anything. gemzer told me this had happened to him and i couldn't believe that it would ever happen. How could a person lose their drive and need for excitement. I feel like it has been sucked out of me. Just when i thought i was going to be fine and get to my dreams my world was crushed and i cant recover. I am tired of whining and being upset about being in the hospital, but i cant get over it and i want too. I want my body to realize that none of it was significant just a hiccup but it feels like so much more. I am always considering the past and thinking how much better off i used to be in some respects. i cant see anything that is both current and positive in my life. I am fading and i cant stop it. i just feel hopeless, helpless, and sad.
I don't know where this is headed or when it ends.
What is grinding through my head is all the same cluttered bullshit it has been for months now. first there are the thoughts of the hospital, then there is the pressure of turning into a married man, then there is the need to succeed at my job and make more money. these things i feel like drive my life. i got denied for the credit amount that i would need to achieve one of these things. who knows why. so many thing that i pride myself on spawn from failures in my life
example, I am very independent and i am a problem solver. i think outside the box and people praise me for my ability to quickly analyze and solve even the most complicated problems. the problem with that is that it comes from a need that has been forced into me at an age that was too early fro the maturity level that i was at. there are more examples like that it just tends to suck after a while.
Beyond that i feel like i have grown up and turned into an old person inside. not because i don't like to have fun but as of late it doesn't really exist for me. I haven't made quality friends in DC but i am making progress. people always say that i can be friends with anyone but there is a clarification that is needed. it is easy for people to want to be friends with me and become my acquaintances but often times they are more friendly to me than i intend to return. there is just a lot of fakeness inside me lately that i cant shake. I don't really have desire to carry on relationships with people who i don't necessarily like. I am just a basket case
right now i am just sitting vegging out and i cant for the life of me figure out why i am so down. how do i get out of this funk? i fall into pretty regular and deep depressions when i am alone and i don't have a drive to do anything. gemzer told me this had happened to him and i couldn't believe that it would ever happen. How could a person lose their drive and need for excitement. I feel like it has been sucked out of me. Just when i thought i was going to be fine and get to my dreams my world was crushed and i cant recover. I am tired of whining and being upset about being in the hospital, but i cant get over it and i want too. I want my body to realize that none of it was significant just a hiccup but it feels like so much more. I am always considering the past and thinking how much better off i used to be in some respects. i cant see anything that is both current and positive in my life. I am fading and i cant stop it. i just feel hopeless, helpless, and sad.
I don't know where this is headed or when it ends.