so the world knows i haven't dissapeared
things weren't working; i've withdrawn from school and am home in plano looking for a job. for those patient enough to want the extreme rambly version, there's this: (i suppose it'll have to be public, since sharene is the only one who wants to read it.)
years later, i suppose. sept 2004, just withdrew from my classes at ut and came home. feel like the material possesions i've amassed are much more trouble than they're worth. want to purge, be simple and clean in all things. maybe that's like studiousness, maybe i can't will it to be. so what needs to change, be confronted, processed, whatever- before i can feel strong again? at what point did all the little dissapointments congeal into this fear manifested as aversion? i need to feel i've pinpointed it, conquered it, even though real progress will only be in the doing. even the willingness to 'chop wood and carry water' falters sometimes these days, and what hope is there for the act if the idea won't work? but it will feel right to come home tired, and little by little things will come along.
"what if the sky falls again?" "well, what if you fall in love?" (from a softer world)
i believe there's nothing to fear, but it doesn't help the aversion, that how about i curl up and go to sleep instead? reflex. can people really just lose their spark, like taking a wrong turn or leaving their wallet somewhere? i guess it wasn't as strong as i thought in the first place, if i'm afraid of that.
is it a good sign that i was motivated to make this leap after these theory changes (mostly zen stuff) solidified a bit, or a bad sign that the theory was developing while i was gradually letting these plans, this ego, burn out? but then "letting" implies intent, doesn't it? i wasn't aware of it at the time. and i don't feel like i need more time to wallow and repent. i feel it's time to get up and do, embrace this change of path. pity that's the part that's broken, the motion. but i'm not. i still see awe wherever i look, as long as i strain my eyes a bit. but just because i deem life worth the effort doesn't mean the conversion works. i feel like such a child, and the part of me that judges is condemning me for not getting things right the first time. i have plenty of curiousity, but i don't feel like that pays the bills. i want to know why gravity holds my fragile world together. matter attracts, space is curved, but i don't really get it. i guess that's part of why it's easier to personify god; you can guess at and trust in the sort of motives you can relate to. prettier than this inhuman, scaleless world of gravity, time, and chance. makes me want to tear out whatever part of me makes all the skepticism and evaluation. i want to appreciate the absurd, intricate weavings of this world, and the spark that makes me part of it. maybe i should just look at work as assertion that life is worth it, and stop looking for something to feed my ego.
i feel quite strongly sometimes the need for someone Close. "for this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." the tradition of arranged marriage makes more sense now. you don't get to choose your parents either, and when you marry you get a blank slate on equal footing and sex as a bonus. keeps people like me from having time to doubt. and there's the receptive attitude that comes with vulnerability, and the indescribable feeling of... tamed/content, strong/motivated, and safely loved that as far as i know, only comes all at once from the touch of a woman. if we've evolved culturally to get that as pretty much standard issue, then no wonder i'm feeling a lack.
i hate the self-conscious feeling that comes with writing for my own eyes.
years later, i suppose. sept 2004, just withdrew from my classes at ut and came home. feel like the material possesions i've amassed are much more trouble than they're worth. want to purge, be simple and clean in all things. maybe that's like studiousness, maybe i can't will it to be. so what needs to change, be confronted, processed, whatever- before i can feel strong again? at what point did all the little dissapointments congeal into this fear manifested as aversion? i need to feel i've pinpointed it, conquered it, even though real progress will only be in the doing. even the willingness to 'chop wood and carry water' falters sometimes these days, and what hope is there for the act if the idea won't work? but it will feel right to come home tired, and little by little things will come along.
"what if the sky falls again?" "well, what if you fall in love?" (from a softer world)
i believe there's nothing to fear, but it doesn't help the aversion, that how about i curl up and go to sleep instead? reflex. can people really just lose their spark, like taking a wrong turn or leaving their wallet somewhere? i guess it wasn't as strong as i thought in the first place, if i'm afraid of that.
is it a good sign that i was motivated to make this leap after these theory changes (mostly zen stuff) solidified a bit, or a bad sign that the theory was developing while i was gradually letting these plans, this ego, burn out? but then "letting" implies intent, doesn't it? i wasn't aware of it at the time. and i don't feel like i need more time to wallow and repent. i feel it's time to get up and do, embrace this change of path. pity that's the part that's broken, the motion. but i'm not. i still see awe wherever i look, as long as i strain my eyes a bit. but just because i deem life worth the effort doesn't mean the conversion works. i feel like such a child, and the part of me that judges is condemning me for not getting things right the first time. i have plenty of curiousity, but i don't feel like that pays the bills. i want to know why gravity holds my fragile world together. matter attracts, space is curved, but i don't really get it. i guess that's part of why it's easier to personify god; you can guess at and trust in the sort of motives you can relate to. prettier than this inhuman, scaleless world of gravity, time, and chance. makes me want to tear out whatever part of me makes all the skepticism and evaluation. i want to appreciate the absurd, intricate weavings of this world, and the spark that makes me part of it. maybe i should just look at work as assertion that life is worth it, and stop looking for something to feed my ego.
i feel quite strongly sometimes the need for someone Close. "for this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." the tradition of arranged marriage makes more sense now. you don't get to choose your parents either, and when you marry you get a blank slate on equal footing and sex as a bonus. keeps people like me from having time to doubt. and there's the receptive attitude that comes with vulnerability, and the indescribable feeling of... tamed/content, strong/motivated, and safely loved that as far as i know, only comes all at once from the touch of a woman. if we've evolved culturally to get that as pretty much standard issue, then no wonder i'm feeling a lack.
i hate the self-conscious feeling that comes with writing for my own eyes.