(no subject)
Hello again, journal.
Am I supposed to be utterly terrified and completely pessimistic about graduate school admissions?
Because I am.
I'm not looking forward to this year for this reason and this reason alone.
See, I barely got into undergraduate school. One acceptance. Yes I realize Vassar is a good acceptance, but seriously, 1:6 is not a good ratio, and that was for undergrad, everybody goes. This grad school stuff is serious shit. I mean some of these applications are asking where I've been published, what exhibitions I've been in, what commissions I've done, what honors/prizes I've received... I made a fence, and I do t-shirts for our intramural soccer team. Maybe instead of filling out that section, I'll just make a hundred doodles of penises all over the page. Or perhaps just tape a twenty dollar bill to the page and cross out the word "application" and write "bribe space". I dunno, I feel like this is just going to end horribly. I'm going to be rejected from everywhere I apply and have no plan. After I find this out in probably early March, I plan on going on a binge of excessive drinking, smoking, and drug abuse for a period of two to three weeks. Then I'll just bullshit my way through senior year, graduate, and get some shit job in some shit place and live in a shit apartment for probably the rest of my life. Fuck that's grim. I don't know, I just feel talentless, like I have no way to compete against the world. My absolute greatest fear isn't rejection, but inadequacy. When I get my rejections from everywhere it's just going to fill me with this self-loathing about how I wasn't good enough, and I really don't need that. I've had a good handle on my depression issues for about a year now, so I'm in no hurry to throw myself in front of a train. But I have to and it sucks. Every single thing about this process makes me feel like shit. Goddammit, even thinking about getting slides of my work throws me down. I mean, what the hell am I going to include? I don't have any good work worth photographing! And letters of recommendation, ugh... Every shool I'm looking at now doesn't look like an opportunity, it looks like frustration and a waste of $75 in application fees. Fuckin ay, this year is going to suck.
Am I supposed to be utterly terrified and completely pessimistic about graduate school admissions?
Because I am.
I'm not looking forward to this year for this reason and this reason alone.
See, I barely got into undergraduate school. One acceptance. Yes I realize Vassar is a good acceptance, but seriously, 1:6 is not a good ratio, and that was for undergrad, everybody goes. This grad school stuff is serious shit. I mean some of these applications are asking where I've been published, what exhibitions I've been in, what commissions I've done, what honors/prizes I've received... I made a fence, and I do t-shirts for our intramural soccer team. Maybe instead of filling out that section, I'll just make a hundred doodles of penises all over the page. Or perhaps just tape a twenty dollar bill to the page and cross out the word "application" and write "bribe space". I dunno, I feel like this is just going to end horribly. I'm going to be rejected from everywhere I apply and have no plan. After I find this out in probably early March, I plan on going on a binge of excessive drinking, smoking, and drug abuse for a period of two to three weeks. Then I'll just bullshit my way through senior year, graduate, and get some shit job in some shit place and live in a shit apartment for probably the rest of my life. Fuck that's grim. I don't know, I just feel talentless, like I have no way to compete against the world. My absolute greatest fear isn't rejection, but inadequacy. When I get my rejections from everywhere it's just going to fill me with this self-loathing about how I wasn't good enough, and I really don't need that. I've had a good handle on my depression issues for about a year now, so I'm in no hurry to throw myself in front of a train. But I have to and it sucks. Every single thing about this process makes me feel like shit. Goddammit, even thinking about getting slides of my work throws me down. I mean, what the hell am I going to include? I don't have any good work worth photographing! And letters of recommendation, ugh... Every shool I'm looking at now doesn't look like an opportunity, it looks like frustration and a waste of $75 in application fees. Fuckin ay, this year is going to suck.