"And it goes like this the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift... hallelujah"
Hi. It has been a while since we talked, or since we saw eachother; and I have a funny inkling that the last time you heard from me directly, I may not have left the best impression... or maybe I did, eithier way I don't know and I never found out.
I still wonder about you sometimes. I wonder how you are doing and if you are happy. I wonder if you are still writing and if you have the same sense of humor. I wonder if things would have been different if my life hadn't suddenly fallen apart. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't fallen apart? Most of all, I wonder if you ever wonder about me. I wonder if on cold, snowy - beginning- of- winter nights, I cross your mind. I wonder if I cross your mind as a pleasent memory, or as a distant question, or as a curiosity, or as a quiet wondering; do I cross your mind as a sad memory, or as a slightly embarassed recollection; do I cross your mind as a whispered question that gets louder with time or as a loud question that gets silenced with time; do I cross your mind simply as "that girl ava", or do I even cross your mind at all?
I would like to think that you do think of me from time to time, and, (even though this may be streching it), I would like to think that when you do think of me, that it is similar to how I think about you. Memories are funny though; they seem to get clouded or biased with time. Maybe we remember what we want or need to be true; maybe we remember people or relationships (in general)the way we wanted them to be, or the way we need them to be, instead of the way they actually were. Perception is even funnier than memory. What meant so much to me, might not have meant the same thing to you. What I thought you felt, could have been totally off; the connection I thought we had, could have just stemmed from me and my wanting; and/or it could have not. I guess those are some of life's questions. Among the things that are the most beautiful and tragic in life are the huge gray area, the unknown, the expectation that even though unlikely, anything is possible; all these unanswered questions; this weight of truths and feelings and desires left unsaid; this tucked away silence that is pregnant with unanswered possibilities. It may be in the cards that I never see you again, that I never talk with you again, and that you remain a significant memory and a question that occasionly peaks through the veil of daily life and causes me to stop, reflect, write, and feel.
Who knows if you will even ever be able to read this? And if you do read this, you will not even know for certain that it is in fact about you. Unless of course, you get that nagging tapping in your gut, that burst of intuition that defies any evidence or rational thought: that says this is about you. And then what?
I want you to know, that I have no idea why I still have feelings for you after all this space and time. I just do. It's not something I intentionaly hold on to. I have lived alot since we have last seen each other. I have traveled around the country, and met alot of different, good people. I have explored and discovered my bisexuality. I have been in relationships with people, and I have had strong romantic feelings and connections for, and with others. I even had to leave North Carolina, to get sober because I couldn't sever an intense connection I had with another active alcoholic. Even though I will never forget him, and still hope to one day connect with him again when he's healthier, I don't remember him as I remember you. His memory doesn't have the power to make me question. His memory doesn't make me regret the course my life has taken, his memory doesn't make me want to go back and try it all again, differently.
It's not like, I think about you every second of every day, but there are times when a song, or a food, or a smell will sneak up on me and I will get catapaulted back to this state of question and feeling of loss, that I can't shake.
And what's maddening is we weren't ever really in a relationship. I just felt this CONNECTION and I thought (or felt) that you felt the same way. So all this mushy feeling stuff feels even sillier to be writing, it feels false, like the connection I think was there, wasn't. And what I regret, (never saying how I feel, or doing anything because I was so afraid,) is ridiculous as well.
However, I felt we had a connection because I relied on my intuition and no matter how much I try I can't think my way out of feeling. I don't know why I always come back to you. I don't know why that even admist having feelings for others and/or connections that I know are reciprocated I still come back to you. I don't know why you are always at the back of my mind, you just are. and I would rather you weren't. It would be easier. And it's not like I am "waiting" for you, and not living my life or moving on. I am living my life, I have been moving on - yet at the most random times, there you are. I was talking to my friend one day about this person I really liked and I saw someone all of a sudden that looked like you in the parking lot, and then, OUT OF NOWHERE, if felt harder to breathe; I felt like that for the rest of the night. You just sneak up on me. There is or was something in you, that I haven't found in anyone since knowing you. When you would look into my eyes it felt like they pierced my soul; there was something about you, that understood the deepest part of me; there was something about you that felt like it completed me.
I have fears: the biggest one is that I will never see or talk to you again. Another is that You don't, won't, or really never have, felt the same way. And another is if I do run into you again, the connection that I felt won't be there, on eithier side, because of all the time and space that lasped from then until now .I am a radically different person, and you probably are as well; Or that you won't even talk to me. I guess the only thing I can do is wait and see and hope that if I don't see you again I can have such a connection with someone else. It would be nice, to at least be friends again.
I want you to know that I think about other people from that time in my life in a similar nostalgic way, that even though I think about you differently and more significantly, it isn't just you. That was a happy time pretty much, and I do wonder what it would be like to go back in general, and if things would be different if my addiction never took hold. I was pretty happy then, and miss alot of the friends I had; the friends that have faded because of circumstance and time, I miss the version or innocence of me that has faded (grown) because of circumstance and time as well. Maybe part of growing up is making peace with questions of the past, and the losses or holes of the present. in addition to you, there are some best friends I lost, that I miss intensely from time to time as well. I don't expect that ever to really go away or anyone to take there place. There has been other best friends and there will be more, but it wont be totally the same. However, with you, as it seems to always be, it is different. You or my feelings for you, defy rational thought, catergorization, etc.
I guess I had to get this off my chest and it feels good to do so. Despite myself, I still hold on to a finger nail of hope that something may happen, some time. I guess like everything else in life I will just have to wait and see.
Regardless, I hope your warm and happy, and that your loved and satisfied.
I still wonder about you sometimes. I wonder how you are doing and if you are happy. I wonder if you are still writing and if you have the same sense of humor. I wonder if things would have been different if my life hadn't suddenly fallen apart. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't fallen apart? Most of all, I wonder if you ever wonder about me. I wonder if on cold, snowy - beginning- of- winter nights, I cross your mind. I wonder if I cross your mind as a pleasent memory, or as a distant question, or as a curiosity, or as a quiet wondering; do I cross your mind as a sad memory, or as a slightly embarassed recollection; do I cross your mind as a whispered question that gets louder with time or as a loud question that gets silenced with time; do I cross your mind simply as "that girl ava", or do I even cross your mind at all?
I would like to think that you do think of me from time to time, and, (even though this may be streching it), I would like to think that when you do think of me, that it is similar to how I think about you. Memories are funny though; they seem to get clouded or biased with time. Maybe we remember what we want or need to be true; maybe we remember people or relationships (in general)the way we wanted them to be, or the way we need them to be, instead of the way they actually were. Perception is even funnier than memory. What meant so much to me, might not have meant the same thing to you. What I thought you felt, could have been totally off; the connection I thought we had, could have just stemmed from me and my wanting; and/or it could have not. I guess those are some of life's questions. Among the things that are the most beautiful and tragic in life are the huge gray area, the unknown, the expectation that even though unlikely, anything is possible; all these unanswered questions; this weight of truths and feelings and desires left unsaid; this tucked away silence that is pregnant with unanswered possibilities. It may be in the cards that I never see you again, that I never talk with you again, and that you remain a significant memory and a question that occasionly peaks through the veil of daily life and causes me to stop, reflect, write, and feel.
Who knows if you will even ever be able to read this? And if you do read this, you will not even know for certain that it is in fact about you. Unless of course, you get that nagging tapping in your gut, that burst of intuition that defies any evidence or rational thought: that says this is about you. And then what?
I want you to know, that I have no idea why I still have feelings for you after all this space and time. I just do. It's not something I intentionaly hold on to. I have lived alot since we have last seen each other. I have traveled around the country, and met alot of different, good people. I have explored and discovered my bisexuality. I have been in relationships with people, and I have had strong romantic feelings and connections for, and with others. I even had to leave North Carolina, to get sober because I couldn't sever an intense connection I had with another active alcoholic. Even though I will never forget him, and still hope to one day connect with him again when he's healthier, I don't remember him as I remember you. His memory doesn't have the power to make me question. His memory doesn't make me regret the course my life has taken, his memory doesn't make me want to go back and try it all again, differently.
It's not like, I think about you every second of every day, but there are times when a song, or a food, or a smell will sneak up on me and I will get catapaulted back to this state of question and feeling of loss, that I can't shake.
And what's maddening is we weren't ever really in a relationship. I just felt this CONNECTION and I thought (or felt) that you felt the same way. So all this mushy feeling stuff feels even sillier to be writing, it feels false, like the connection I think was there, wasn't. And what I regret, (never saying how I feel, or doing anything because I was so afraid,) is ridiculous as well.
However, I felt we had a connection because I relied on my intuition and no matter how much I try I can't think my way out of feeling. I don't know why I always come back to you. I don't know why that even admist having feelings for others and/or connections that I know are reciprocated I still come back to you. I don't know why you are always at the back of my mind, you just are. and I would rather you weren't. It would be easier. And it's not like I am "waiting" for you, and not living my life or moving on. I am living my life, I have been moving on - yet at the most random times, there you are. I was talking to my friend one day about this person I really liked and I saw someone all of a sudden that looked like you in the parking lot, and then, OUT OF NOWHERE, if felt harder to breathe; I felt like that for the rest of the night. You just sneak up on me. There is or was something in you, that I haven't found in anyone since knowing you. When you would look into my eyes it felt like they pierced my soul; there was something about you, that understood the deepest part of me; there was something about you that felt like it completed me.
I have fears: the biggest one is that I will never see or talk to you again. Another is that You don't, won't, or really never have, felt the same way. And another is if I do run into you again, the connection that I felt won't be there, on eithier side, because of all the time and space that lasped from then until now .I am a radically different person, and you probably are as well; Or that you won't even talk to me. I guess the only thing I can do is wait and see and hope that if I don't see you again I can have such a connection with someone else. It would be nice, to at least be friends again.
I want you to know that I think about other people from that time in my life in a similar nostalgic way, that even though I think about you differently and more significantly, it isn't just you. That was a happy time pretty much, and I do wonder what it would be like to go back in general, and if things would be different if my addiction never took hold. I was pretty happy then, and miss alot of the friends I had; the friends that have faded because of circumstance and time, I miss the version or innocence of me that has faded (grown) because of circumstance and time as well. Maybe part of growing up is making peace with questions of the past, and the losses or holes of the present. in addition to you, there are some best friends I lost, that I miss intensely from time to time as well. I don't expect that ever to really go away or anyone to take there place. There has been other best friends and there will be more, but it wont be totally the same. However, with you, as it seems to always be, it is different. You or my feelings for you, defy rational thought, catergorization, etc.
I guess I had to get this off my chest and it feels good to do so. Despite myself, I still hold on to a finger nail of hope that something may happen, some time. I guess like everything else in life I will just have to wait and see.
Regardless, I hope your warm and happy, and that your loved and satisfied.