30 Day meme (24)
30 Day Meme
Day 01 - Introduce yourself
Day 02 - Your first love, in great detail
Day 03 - Your parents, in great detail
Day 04 - What you ate today, in great detail
Day 05 - Your definition of love, in great detail
Day 06 - Your day, in great detail
Day 07 - Your best friend, in great detail
Day 08 - A moment, in great detail
Day 09 - Your beliefs, in great detail
Day 10 - What you wore today, in great detail
Day 11 - Your siblings, in great detail
Day 12 - What’s in your bag, in great detail
Day 13 - This week, in great detail
Day 14 - What you wore today, in great detail
Day 15 - Your dreams, in great detail
Day 16 - Your first kiss, in great detail
Day 17 - Your favorite memory, in great detail
Day 18 - Your favorite birthday, in great detail
Day 19 - Something you regret, in great detail
Day 20 - This month, in great detail
Day 21 - Another moment, in great detail
Day 22 - Something that upsets you, in great detail
Day 23 - Something that makes you feel better, in great detail
Day 24 - Something that makes you cry, in great detail
Day 25 - A first, in great detail
Day 26 - Your fears, in great detail
Day 27 - Your favorite place, in great detail
Day 28 - Something that you miss, in great detail
Day 29 - Your aspirations, in great detail
Day 30 - One last moment, in great detail
Something that makes me cry???!!!!
That's surprisingly easy. Comparisons. Or really spicy food.
But we'll stick with comparisons right now.
I've always had a tendency to discover my worth by comparing myself to other people. I am a good writer because I write better than this person. I am not a good writer because I could never match up to the talent of that person. I am a good artist because I can draw this better than them. I am not a good artist because I do not understand this aspect of art like this person. I am smart because I know these things. I am stupid because I don't know these things. Etc.
I have a tendency to do this most with my sister, who is quite possibly one of the smartest and most motivated people I know. I know my parents are proud of all of their children for different reasons, and I realize now I'm in a slump, but I can't help but think I've never stood up against her. I've never been a contender. She aced her way through high school, got accepted into a college of her choosing, aced her way through college, got awards for her work in that college, traveled to different countries (France, Italy, and now Alaska even though it's still technically in our nation, it is located in another country), got a great job straight out of college and makes a great salary, and has a good boyfriend.
I on the other hand crawled through high school maintaining a B+ average thereabouts with fluctuations to D's and F's on occasion. I went to a community college because I never really looked into a college I wanted to go to because it was work and I didn't want to do it. Moreover I had no idea what I wanted to do at that point, deciding on college because it seemed the "next step" in life. I barely made it into the college as I never applied to it and was only accepted on the spot by an adviser who visited our school who told me what major to go into based on what I told her my aspirations were (at the time they were an editor for books). I went to the college, dropped out of at least one class every semester, got a few A's, a few C's, nothing spectacular. I haven't traveled, nor do I feel any great need to travel. I still don't have a job because I'm still not looking, even though my financial status is in the red and I have college loans to pay off. As it is, the degree I'm going for is just an associates, 2 years worth of studies, and I will be attending my fourth year in the spring.
I know I'm smart, I'm just not motivated. Which makes me look stupid and lazy. I have a tendency to think things will just work out, as they always have, if I'm patient. And I'm incredibly patient (except when I'm on my period). As it is, I've been waiting almost half a year now for a job to fall into my lap. Which I understand won't happen.
Sometimes these comparisons aren't so devastating to me. I can compare myself to weaker people, people who are 26 and unemployed and living at home. But I understand also that that's where I'm headed. I need to work on getting myself hyped for boring things that are important, like looking for a job, going to school and getting a degree, figuring out what I want to do (and if it's being an author, actually writing something).
I'm not sure if I've ever cried for any other reason besides I was comparing myself to someone and got upset about it. I like to think I have a rock-hard emotional strength, but it's really just a wall that is constantly buffeted by nothing more than my own internal monologues and when it falls, I have to spend some time rebuilding it so that it's strong again. And over and over and over.
Day 01 - Introduce yourself
Day 02 - Your first love, in great detail
Day 03 - Your parents, in great detail
Day 04 - What you ate today, in great detail
Day 05 - Your definition of love, in great detail
Day 06 - Your day, in great detail
Day 07 - Your best friend, in great detail
Day 08 - A moment, in great detail
Day 09 - Your beliefs, in great detail
Day 10 - What you wore today, in great detail
Day 11 - Your siblings, in great detail
Day 12 - What’s in your bag, in great detail
Day 13 - This week, in great detail
Day 14 - What you wore today, in great detail
Day 15 - Your dreams, in great detail
Day 16 - Your first kiss, in great detail
Day 17 - Your favorite memory, in great detail
Day 18 - Your favorite birthday, in great detail
Day 19 - Something you regret, in great detail
Day 20 - This month, in great detail
Day 21 - Another moment, in great detail
Day 22 - Something that upsets you, in great detail
Day 23 - Something that makes you feel better, in great detail
Day 24 - Something that makes you cry, in great detail
Day 25 - A first, in great detail
Day 26 - Your fears, in great detail
Day 27 - Your favorite place, in great detail
Day 28 - Something that you miss, in great detail
Day 29 - Your aspirations, in great detail
Day 30 - One last moment, in great detail
Something that makes me cry???!!!!
That's surprisingly easy. Comparisons. Or really spicy food.
But we'll stick with comparisons right now.
I've always had a tendency to discover my worth by comparing myself to other people. I am a good writer because I write better than this person. I am not a good writer because I could never match up to the talent of that person. I am a good artist because I can draw this better than them. I am not a good artist because I do not understand this aspect of art like this person. I am smart because I know these things. I am stupid because I don't know these things. Etc.
I have a tendency to do this most with my sister, who is quite possibly one of the smartest and most motivated people I know. I know my parents are proud of all of their children for different reasons, and I realize now I'm in a slump, but I can't help but think I've never stood up against her. I've never been a contender. She aced her way through high school, got accepted into a college of her choosing, aced her way through college, got awards for her work in that college, traveled to different countries (France, Italy, and now Alaska even though it's still technically in our nation, it is located in another country), got a great job straight out of college and makes a great salary, and has a good boyfriend.
I on the other hand crawled through high school maintaining a B+ average thereabouts with fluctuations to D's and F's on occasion. I went to a community college because I never really looked into a college I wanted to go to because it was work and I didn't want to do it. Moreover I had no idea what I wanted to do at that point, deciding on college because it seemed the "next step" in life. I barely made it into the college as I never applied to it and was only accepted on the spot by an adviser who visited our school who told me what major to go into based on what I told her my aspirations were (at the time they were an editor for books). I went to the college, dropped out of at least one class every semester, got a few A's, a few C's, nothing spectacular. I haven't traveled, nor do I feel any great need to travel. I still don't have a job because I'm still not looking, even though my financial status is in the red and I have college loans to pay off. As it is, the degree I'm going for is just an associates, 2 years worth of studies, and I will be attending my fourth year in the spring.
I know I'm smart, I'm just not motivated. Which makes me look stupid and lazy. I have a tendency to think things will just work out, as they always have, if I'm patient. And I'm incredibly patient (except when I'm on my period). As it is, I've been waiting almost half a year now for a job to fall into my lap. Which I understand won't happen.
Sometimes these comparisons aren't so devastating to me. I can compare myself to weaker people, people who are 26 and unemployed and living at home. But I understand also that that's where I'm headed. I need to work on getting myself hyped for boring things that are important, like looking for a job, going to school and getting a degree, figuring out what I want to do (and if it's being an author, actually writing something).
I'm not sure if I've ever cried for any other reason besides I was comparing myself to someone and got upset about it. I like to think I have a rock-hard emotional strength, but it's really just a wall that is constantly buffeted by nothing more than my own internal monologues and when it falls, I have to spend some time rebuilding it so that it's strong again. And over and over and over.