Writer's Block: Life is a masquerade
Alright, so I always plan my costume like... a year in advance. Unfortunately, actual preparation of the costume doesn't start until like.... four days before the holiday. Last year I was a nurse from Silent Hill and my costume arrived ON Halloween day (lucky break). This year we're going as characters from Alice in Wonderland. I called Cheshire Cat, but I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to work it. Damn...
So okay, today in class we were discussing Hans Christian Anderson's Little Mermaid and Little Matchstick Girl. Neither of which are very uplifting stories. There is this one woman in the class, the maternal, preachy sort, who was laughing LAUGHING all through class. And it's not like, oh chuckle, oh chuckle, giggle giggle, it's maniacle spontaneous and explosive laughter after absolutely everything she says. "She didn't burn all her matches because she didn't lose all of her hope-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Annoying... and my geology teacher managed to ask quite possibly the only five questions that he A) did not teach in class and B) did not include on his study sheet, which I actually did. I went through 28 questions, memorized answers and extra information and was totally excited to ace the test and he hands it out and I was like... what chapter was this again? What does he mean by this? Like one question was "What group of rocks would form at 2" and there was a diagram. I was like... are we talking igneous, sedimentary, and metamorphic? Are we talking Mafic, felsic, and intermediate? Are we talking big rocks? What the fuck? Could you BE more vague? And why the fuck wasn't any of this on your enormous review sheet? Because if it was on your review sheet I would know it. Because I freakin' memorized all the answers... and I don't know the answer. Dammit...
Anyway, in other news, I keep having awful dreams. Like they make me angry at people. Mostly Ariel. The first was, to be concise, there was a party in my basement which was actually a huge cave and I met up with Ariel and he was talking to this tall chick who was beautiful, but she had a very pointed and wicked looking face. I didn't bother him and in my dream I questioned why it was I was getting jealous. Then later I found him in the basement on a couch huddled over what I thought was the girl and I thought they had fallen asleep together on the couch and I realized it wasn't a girl, it was just a big stuffed animal thing. I woke up and periodically throughout teh day I would find myself getting angry at him and had to remind myself I really didn't have any reason to be angry, it was a fucking dream. And I had another while I was with him, and though I can't remember what it was he did to make me angry in the dream, I do remember that i had to keep telling myself that I had no reason to be angry because he didnt really do anything.
And in still more news, I feel like I'm becoming a nuisance. I know I'm not PMSing, it doesn't feel that way. I just feel, blah, and ick, and boohoo. It's one of those uber sensitive phases where I don't text or call or talk to people because I'm afraid they're annoyed with me for some reason or another and though I realize chances are that they aren't, I keep finding ways to convince myself they are. Liiiiiiiiiiiiiike-
Well, it's really just with two people. WIth Andy, it's because I've been snotty lately with him and that's why he doesn't really want to hang out lately. And it's probably just my warped sense of time. We've probably been hanging out just as often as before and for some reason it doesn't seem like it. Maybe I'm just going what he went through and thinking that he's got so many other friends that I'm just kinda there as backup. Or something.
And then with Ariel it just feels like he wants to have sex and then can't wait until I leave. But he's busy with his job interview and nervous about that and I bet he hasn't been acting any differently. I keep telling myself he was annoyed that he wanted to have sex, I said my period was done, and then it spontaneously restarted so he couldn't do whta he wanted for the duration he wanted. Which I also believe is bull (has anyone read 1984 because this is a prime example of doublethink). So I also think I have nothing to worry about while thinking that he hates me and he's going to break it off and say he never wants to talk to me again like... tomorrow.
I think maybe I have seasonal depression. Or maybe I'm just a reallllllllly low key, new breed of bipolar where both stages of manic and depressive are just really mellow and not all, "HEY I"M IN YOUR FACE LETS BUILD A SKYSCRAPER-no we can't. I suck, I can't do anything". It's more like, "Let's hang out or something. Leave me alone." I dunno how to describe it. I'm cycling through dysphoria. Stupid things keep maybe me cry. And I'm not a cryer people. No way am I a cryer. I'd rather bite my tongue off than let people see me cry. Deep breaths and patience I suppose.
So okay, today in class we were discussing Hans Christian Anderson's Little Mermaid and Little Matchstick Girl. Neither of which are very uplifting stories. There is this one woman in the class, the maternal, preachy sort, who was laughing LAUGHING all through class. And it's not like, oh chuckle, oh chuckle, giggle giggle, it's maniacle spontaneous and explosive laughter after absolutely everything she says. "She didn't burn all her matches because she didn't lose all of her hope-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Annoying... and my geology teacher managed to ask quite possibly the only five questions that he A) did not teach in class and B) did not include on his study sheet, which I actually did. I went through 28 questions, memorized answers and extra information and was totally excited to ace the test and he hands it out and I was like... what chapter was this again? What does he mean by this? Like one question was "What group of rocks would form at 2" and there was a diagram. I was like... are we talking igneous, sedimentary, and metamorphic? Are we talking Mafic, felsic, and intermediate? Are we talking big rocks? What the fuck? Could you BE more vague? And why the fuck wasn't any of this on your enormous review sheet? Because if it was on your review sheet I would know it. Because I freakin' memorized all the answers... and I don't know the answer. Dammit...
Anyway, in other news, I keep having awful dreams. Like they make me angry at people. Mostly Ariel. The first was, to be concise, there was a party in my basement which was actually a huge cave and I met up with Ariel and he was talking to this tall chick who was beautiful, but she had a very pointed and wicked looking face. I didn't bother him and in my dream I questioned why it was I was getting jealous. Then later I found him in the basement on a couch huddled over what I thought was the girl and I thought they had fallen asleep together on the couch and I realized it wasn't a girl, it was just a big stuffed animal thing. I woke up and periodically throughout teh day I would find myself getting angry at him and had to remind myself I really didn't have any reason to be angry, it was a fucking dream. And I had another while I was with him, and though I can't remember what it was he did to make me angry in the dream, I do remember that i had to keep telling myself that I had no reason to be angry because he didnt really do anything.
And in still more news, I feel like I'm becoming a nuisance. I know I'm not PMSing, it doesn't feel that way. I just feel, blah, and ick, and boohoo. It's one of those uber sensitive phases where I don't text or call or talk to people because I'm afraid they're annoyed with me for some reason or another and though I realize chances are that they aren't, I keep finding ways to convince myself they are. Liiiiiiiiiiiiiike-
Well, it's really just with two people. WIth Andy, it's because I've been snotty lately with him and that's why he doesn't really want to hang out lately. And it's probably just my warped sense of time. We've probably been hanging out just as often as before and for some reason it doesn't seem like it. Maybe I'm just going what he went through and thinking that he's got so many other friends that I'm just kinda there as backup. Or something.
And then with Ariel it just feels like he wants to have sex and then can't wait until I leave. But he's busy with his job interview and nervous about that and I bet he hasn't been acting any differently. I keep telling myself he was annoyed that he wanted to have sex, I said my period was done, and then it spontaneously restarted so he couldn't do whta he wanted for the duration he wanted. Which I also believe is bull (has anyone read 1984 because this is a prime example of doublethink). So I also think I have nothing to worry about while thinking that he hates me and he's going to break it off and say he never wants to talk to me again like... tomorrow.
I think maybe I have seasonal depression. Or maybe I'm just a reallllllllly low key, new breed of bipolar where both stages of manic and depressive are just really mellow and not all, "HEY I"M IN YOUR FACE LETS BUILD A SKYSCRAPER-no we can't. I suck, I can't do anything". It's more like, "Let's hang out or something. Leave me alone." I dunno how to describe it. I'm cycling through dysphoria. Stupid things keep maybe me cry. And I'm not a cryer people. No way am I a cryer. I'd rather bite my tongue off than let people see me cry. Deep breaths and patience I suppose.