Feb 12, 2005 16:16
This isn't you normal list of things you give to people you don't like, or gifts you can't stand that you want to get rid of. You won't hear about who to dump off the fruit cake to, or What kind of dog shit, dead rat, or chopped off middle finger you should send to you ex girlfriend. No this is far greater than that.
1.) That cousin of yours that thinks her life is so fucked up that she cuts herself. This little high schooler has no idea what she's missing in the real world, nor is she ready. What do you get this person, Take her to get a fake I.D.... but not because you'd actually want to hang out with that stupid bitch, but because You'll convince here that Cutting is for pussy, and she needs to go ahead and buy some wild turkey, bacardi 151, extra strength bayer and some sleeping pills and do everyone a favor and kill yourself. Because no one really loves you.
2.) That fat person at your job.
Almost everyone has that super fat person at your job that deep down inside the very sight of them doing anything makes you want to puke. I call these people celling spy. Because they're so fat that their chin just connects with the top of their chest so when they walk their head is always facing up. If they aren't a celling spy they're usually the type of people that give you directions based on the food places around the area. Example: Yeah you get off the freeway at so and so street, and you make a left at the pizza hut, then take that street all the way down until you pass the gas station with the am pm that sells the 2 cheese burgers for $1.00, you pass that street and make a right on the second little street after that. But if you pass the Jack in the box you've went to far. For these litt...... big fat fucks you want to give them something that could help them live a little longer if it wasn't for the fact that lard pumps through the veins in their eye balls. SO give them a gift card to Wholesale Food. That little health food store Filled with tofu, fruits, and all sorts of shitty vitamins. They'll be so overwhelmed with grief that they'll go eat a bunch of cabbage and beans, then go in an un-ventilated room and pass gas in their sleep until they die.
I'll have more some other time but for now here's some Chicken Soup for the common Beer Drinker.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink.
When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
- Frank Sinatra