✟ the lover that you hold is no more than a ghost;

[todoright]

BUFFY ANNE SUMMERS
BELOVED SISTER
DEVOTED FRIEND
SHE SAVED THE WORLD. A LOT.

When Angel first saw it there in the caves, his first thought was that it must be wrong. It had to be wrong - perhaps another example of the Island's terrible sense of humor. But the more he thought about it, the more he knew that denial wasn't going to change anything.

Comments

[chose]

"Oh, great," Buffy remarks with a hard laugh. "More impossible questions."

She's annoyed, yes, but it's not with Angel. Not just with Angel. The truth she has had to live with for some time now is that Riley left because of her; because she was closed off. She didn't love him, never really had, and he had known it all along. After Angel, Buffy hadn't allowed herself to love any man that way again. She understands now that it was equal parts being the Slayer - the killing and the violence made emotion close to inaccessible, to the point the she was constantly afraid of becoming a robot, a heartless killing machine - and having had her heart broken before.

Or perhaps it was that she had already given that heart away, and despite all his attempts, Angel couldn't give it back to her. It wasn't up to him; it wasn't in his power unless she let him. She never has.

Even after all these years, he still owns a part of her. Slowly, she shakes her head, unable to make eye contact. It feels cruel, like she's somehow betraying Spike, but at the same time, he knows it himself. He always has.

"It's not love," she says. "I care about him but I don't - I don't love him."

[todoright]

A part of Angel - the childish part of him, remembers Spike's smug look that day on the beach and wants to return with one of his own at this new truth, but this isn't the time, and his vendetta against his perpetual pain in his ass can come later. Because although Buffy's admitted that she doesn't love Spike, that doesn't mean anything for him.

And he doesn't know what he will do even if it did mean something for him. His wants are different than his needs and...above all else, Angel doesn't like being at the mercy of something - or someone else.

Buffy had been enough.

"A lot of time has passed. For you, even more than it has for me." It's his way of asking the other question - the one about him.

[chose]

"I know that. I wish I didn't know that, I wish I could forget or - or just undo the past four years." It isn't just about Angel, that last part, the sentiment isn't exactly false. As exhausted as Buffy gets just thinking about all that she and her friends have gone through these past few years, she would go back and re-do them if she could. She'd get her mother into treatment sooner and do a better job of keeping Dawn safe. Pay more attention to Riley; make him feel wanted. Stop Willow before she got out of control with the magicks, keep Xander from making the idiotic mistake of leaving Anya at the altar, and even warn Tara not to stand so close to that window.

She'd fix everything that had gone wrong in their lives, but she can't. The universe doesn't work that way.

"I answered your question, now answer mine." It would sound like a challenge, if only she could get her voice to comply. But there's more need in her voice than she hope to convey - a need for Angel to give a straight answer, an opening for them to stop dancing so many circles around the obvious.

[todoright]

"In all the years I've been alive - 247, to be exact, no one else mattered. Not Darla, not my family back in Ireland - not anyone. Not in the way you did. Do." so far, all he's told her were the things that she already knows, or already should know. The hard part comes next. The uncertainty and the risk. It's certainly not new to either of them in their line of work.

"It hurt. The caring. It felt like I was on fire, and it was going to burn straight through until there was nothing left."

And then he had left, but she knows that part of the story already. Angel may have the patience of the immortal, but he no longer has time in abundance anymore. "The point I'm trying to make is that...my heart says yes, and it probably always will. Forever. But the brain...well, that's a different story."

[chose]

It almost frightens Buffy to hear it, that declaration of love that's honest and painful, romantic and heartbreaking, all at the same time. She knows the feeling, she's felt it herself, both from her side and his. Buffy's been in his dreams; she's felt that hunger consume her, eating away at her will and resolve. That desire to lose herself in him, no matter the consequences. It's so strong that it's dangerous.

She knows, and for a moment she can only stand before Angel, taking it in as he speaks. Staring, breathing, feeling; thinking so hard that it starts to hurt. The heart wants what the heart wants, but the head has a pesky tendency to get in the way of it.

"And I get that," she insists, ready to stand her ground on this. That reassurance was all she needed, and dumbstruck as she was just seconds ago. "I do, but Angel, it's - it's not like you suddenly turn human every day. As much as I used to wish for this, I knew it would never happen. It was a pipe dream, and now it's a reality. I just think... that's worth at least a shot."

[todoright]

For something so small compared to the rest of the body, the heart had a way of hurting when it beat furiously against the bone of his chest. Each beat was a constant reminder of his new state, accompaniment to Buffy's words, and Angel feels the blood rush to his face. Human responses to stress, he knew although this wasn't the bad kind. His mouth feels dry and his throat hoarse, because the body doesn't forget, dead and
newly human or not.

"It's worth a shot." Angel agrees quietly before leaning down to kiss her for the second time since arriving on this island, and it's almost as if the years they spanned disappeared- until they return again with a vengeance. Still, there's a silver lining. Their experiences shaped them into different people and nothing stays the same, not even a vampire.

For the first time with Buffy, Angel feels as though they might be approaching normalcy.