Oh how the tides have turned...
Actually, they haven't.
But, being the cool person that I am, I felt it was time I used that cliche of a saying, as a title! Hah!
Perhaps it has some duality to it, some other meaning, aside from a overused cliche saying. I don't know why I chose to use it, aside from it popping into my head. It may be worth my while to probe into why I decided upon it...
Hrm...
Well..
Fuck I don't know. It may have something to do with my mood these days, this flipping of sorts, or a turning of tides if you will... What's all that mean? Well, for starters, I've been increasingly depressed of recent, and if I'm not depressed, I'm irritable and frustrated. Feeling somewhat normal has become a bit of a luxury, a feeling that comes by to stay less and less.
Why though? Why is that? Shouldn't I be feeling a bit.. happy? If not that extreme, at least content, maybe even excited? I'm going to be coming out in just about a month or so from now, isn't that cause for me to be at least not depressed?
It would seem my minds defensive reaction is too be depressed, because I am utterly afraid of change, and what change entails. Is this the reason for such a title? The tides have turnd in my mind? I can see how that would be so, given that I spent a gigantic time wasting away, and while I did feel depressed often, I still had days where things were pretty okay, dare say normal. But, as it has got closer to crunch time, my mind is pushing, resisting.
There's one thing I've always been superb at, and it's resisting, especially changes. The natural path my mind takes is to push against anything that tries to change me, and in this case, trying to take me down to a new low. Somewhere that is painfully close to death, I'd imagine. I've been close to that place before, to be sure, but I'm begining to see that my wings weren't even close to being burned off, that I could go deeper still. I've had a taste of that a few times the past couple weeks, and it's frightening. Luckily I am still able to crawl my way back up, but still... there may be a time when I can't stop myself from slipping.
I know, this sounds absolutely terrible, but hey... I wanted to figure out where this posts title was coming from. My mind will continue resisting until it's pushed past the change, so essentially all I have to do is last until the day I come out too my parents.
But...
What if...
Yes, indeed, what if? What if they reject me, what if they turn me away. What then? I've said it before, that I'd like to believe I have some where to go, but where exactly is that? Brets house? Well, that would be almost retarded of me, given he lives so close, and is basically my only real contact that I spend time with in person, so my parents would know. And if he found out, I'm more inclined to believe he'll react badly rather than well.
So what then? Where do I go? Any where else is quite the distance, especially for someone that doesn't drive, or own a cellphone. This is, of course, assuming the worst happens, and they kick me out. Is that rational? Not entirely, but it's something to be aware about, and while preparing for the worse may seem a bit extreme, it's a necessity.
Where will my mental health be if everyone that is supposed to care about me, rejects me? I have Evan still, and the few other people that I've come out too online, but they are so very far away. I'd like to believe that my lack of affection and caring towards my family would make me slightly immune to such a reaction, I pretty much know the truth of the matter is, I'd be devastated. My faith in there being any humanity in humans would be utterly shattered, and I wouldn't be in a very good place mentally. I don't think I can even fathom the dark place my mind would descend to if the worst happen.
But of course, this is all just hypothetically speaking. I don't know what their reaction will be, and that's only one end of the spectrum. The other being they're fine with it, even accepting. Will I still resist then? I said my mind will stop resisting after the changes happen, but will it? It should, but that doesn't mean I will. This is, after all, a large change. The small things become large things, and everything I do will be altered in some way. That's not your every day change, that's a big ass mother fucking life change.
Still, I'd love to believe that I am able to make it through this, without harming myself, or allowing my mind to drag me down, and down, and down. My situation could be much, much worse, and the likelyhood of the worst happening is rather small. Yet I for some reason can't dwell on the positive, I always turn to the negative.
Oh so cynical I am. I've made myself that way of course, throughout the course of my life I've always assumed the worst, of both situations, and people. It's not really that affecting in every day life, or interactions, but being that cynical can be pretty damaging when it wants.
I think I'll end this here, and start up another post, to try and break up topics. So, until... a few minutes from now, though the posting times will be like, hours apart.
Yes, I do write THAT much.