Fic: Ezra vs. The Twinkie
Title: Ezra vs. The Twinkie
Fandom: ATF-Mag7
Characters/Pairing: Minor C/E
Rating: Crack.
Summary: Five times Ezra faced down a Twinkie
Notes: For
mendax because I made her beta the dark!fic fill and
randi2204 because she's just awesome. Pretty much un-beta'd.
Ezra vs. The Twinkie
It starts, as most things with Ezra start, with a bet. In this case the bet is how many Twinkies Vin can stuff into his mouth in five minutes. Ezra's only known Vin Tanner for a little over five months now, but he's seen the man eat and he secretly suspects that Vin can unhinge his jaw like a snake when he really wants to.
"Come on, Ezra," Buck says, and Ezra doesn't like that sly little grin of his. "In or out?"
"Fine," Ezra says, taking out his wallet. "Five dollars says Mr. Tanner can fit eight Twinkies in his mouth in five minutes."
Buck laughs as he takes Ezra's cash. "Going big, are you?"
"I have seen the man eat," Ezra says. Buck laughs again and Ezra has that prickling feeling on the back of his neck that he gets sometimes when he thinks he's about to be played. But it's too late to change his bet now, because JD's got the timer on his phone started and Vin's busy unwrapping his first Twinkie. He does it slowly, like he's got all the time in the world - which Ezra supposes he does since he doesn't have any money riding on this thing - and Ezra's sorely tempted to just lean across the desk and rip the damn thing open for him. It's not like this is some rare delicacy from Southern France he's dealing with, after all - it's a goddamn Hostess snake cake.
"Patience is a virtue Vin strives to teach us all," Josiah says beside him and Ezra quirks an eyebrow at the man.
"And how's that going for him?" Ezra asks.
"Oh, about as well as you think," Josiah says, winking at him, and Ezra only knows Vin's got the first Twinkie in his mouth because the other members of the team start cheering. Ezra turns around and sees another Twinkie disappear into Vin's mouth, the obscenely yellow snack folded in half and practically inhaled. A third quickly follows, and Ezra's really starting to believe his theory about Vin and his unhingable jaw.
By the time Vin's gotten to his sixth Twinkie - six in under 45 seconds - Ezra's passed the point of astonishment and gone all the way around to something near nausea.
By the time Vin's eaten his twentieth - fitting it all in exactly at the same time that the alarm on JD's phone goes off - Ezra's already decided to excuse himself from the team and take an early lunch at The Saloon, where he can reevaluate his life choices over a glass of bourbon and a really good steak.
*
The next time Ezra runs into a Twinkie, it's three days after he's officially ended his probationary period and he's chasing a suspected cigarette runner through a convenience store. He'd feel worse about the fact that the perp is actually just some pimply kid if it wasn't for the fact that the kid threw a blue slushie in Ezra's face when he first approached him and thus most likely irrevocably ruined one of his favorite Hermes ties.
"Would you just stop!" he shouts out, because now the kid is throwing crap off the shelves at him, and that's just beyond annoying.
"Fuck off, creep!" the kid shouts back, and Ezra's really starting to regret that the ATF doesn't allow its agents to carry tasers when he steps on a package of Twinkies and goes sliding into one of the metal shelves, managing to both knock himself out and cause approximately $600 worth of damage.
The real insult comes when he's having his forehead stitched up by Nathan (again) and Buck approaches him with a somber look and holding something behind his back.
"What?" Ezra snaps.
"Well," Buck says, "bad news is the security camera didn't get a good look at the perp." He brings his hand out from behind his back and now he's grinning like an ass as he holds out something that, while still very squished, is unmistakably a Twinkie. "Good news is, at least the Twinkie survived."
*
By the time Ezra has a third Twinkie-related mishap, he's beginning to think there's either a global conspiracy or his new teammates have decided to fuck with him. He'd really hate it to be the former, because he knows that way madness and tin hats lie, but, well, it's hard to specifically point the blame at any one teammate on this occasion.
The problem lies in the fact that apparently their current bad guy gunrunner also runs drugs on the side, which means the DEA has to be called in, which means Chris is going to have an epic pissing battle of some kind with whoever the DEA sends, which means Ezra's going to be stuck under cover for at least another week. All in all, not the worst thing in the world he's ever had to deal with, and the longer he's with Team 7, the more he's starting to suspect that this sort of thing is rather par for the course.
No, the real problem is that in order to bring in proof that Diego Rodriguez is smuggling drugs he had to hide some of said drugs in the nearest object he could find. Which happened to be a Twinkie. Which he then had to eat because Diego was starting to question him as to why he was carrying around a Twinkie.
Now he's practically vibrating with energy and he honestly can't tell if it's because of the coke he's just ingested or the inherently high sugar content of your average Twinkie.
Either way, he's still pretty sure that eating the evidence automatically breaks the chain of custody.
*
The fourth time a Twinkie ruins his life, he knows it's either JD or Vin's fault. He's leaning towards Vin as payback from that time with the superglue (but really, it wasn't like Vin actually used his stapler for anything other than a paperweight, and he'd owed Vin for the thing with the balloon animals anyway) but even as he's plotting his revenge he still can't help but admire Vin's craftiness. Sugar in the gas tank would be one thing, but an entire Twinkie?
*
The fifth time Ezra has to go mano-a-mano with a Twinkie it's another bet. This time, however, Ezra's pretty sure he's going to win, and that when he does his win will be epic. It will be a victory for the ages.
It will also probably be a little bit illegal, but that, really, is what makes the whole thing so extra delicious for him.
Of course, the biggest problem is that in order to win said bet (which is with Chris, even if Chris doesn't know it yet) he has to eat a Twinkie. Sexily. And while he's definitely onboard with the more metaphorical sexual aspects of a Twinkies - it's phallic shaped object filled with white cream, after all - he's not quite sure how one goes about using it as an instrument of food-based flirtation. Biting the top off and sucking out the cream, while incredibly direct, also leaves a rather bad impression with regards to his excellent blowjob skills. (Ezra knows he gives a mind-blowing blowjob, not just because he's been promised anything from a knighthood to a small South American government for them, but because he always takes the time to elicit detailed feedback from his sexual partners; it is, after all, only common sense.)
On the other hand, Ezra is not going to swirl his tongue around the top of the damn thing while making eyes at Chris. There's blatant and then there's pathetic, after all.
It's while he's idly contemplating how to use the Twinkie to his best advantage that, of course, the Twinkie decides to take matters into its own vaguely cake-like hands and explode in his. He's not even sure what he did to it to make it basically disintegrate in his grip, coating his fingers and palms in cream and cake. He's definitely not thinking about seduction techniques when he begins to lick his hands clean (there are many things he will clean up with a handkerchief; a demonic snake cake is not one of them), but he starts to think about it when he feels Chris's gaze upon him. He looks up and, yup, that's not annoyance in Chris's eyes.
Ezra grins and delicately licks one finger clean, lingering on the tip juuuust this side of too long, but not quite long enough for indelicacy. He watches Chris swallow and then he grins and leans in.
"And that was just a Twinkie," he says.
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth where there are
comments
Fandom: ATF-Mag7
Characters/Pairing: Minor C/E
Rating: Crack.
Summary: Five times Ezra faced down a Twinkie
Notes: For
mendax because I made her beta the dark!fic fill and
randi2204 because she's just awesome. Pretty much un-beta'd.
Ezra vs. The Twinkie
It starts, as most things with Ezra start, with a bet. In this case the bet is how many Twinkies Vin can stuff into his mouth in five minutes. Ezra's only known Vin Tanner for a little over five months now, but he's seen the man eat and he secretly suspects that Vin can unhinge his jaw like a snake when he really wants to.
"Come on, Ezra," Buck says, and Ezra doesn't like that sly little grin of his. "In or out?"
"Fine," Ezra says, taking out his wallet. "Five dollars says Mr. Tanner can fit eight Twinkies in his mouth in five minutes."
Buck laughs as he takes Ezra's cash. "Going big, are you?"
"I have seen the man eat," Ezra says. Buck laughs again and Ezra has that prickling feeling on the back of his neck that he gets sometimes when he thinks he's about to be played. But it's too late to change his bet now, because JD's got the timer on his phone started and Vin's busy unwrapping his first Twinkie. He does it slowly, like he's got all the time in the world - which Ezra supposes he does since he doesn't have any money riding on this thing - and Ezra's sorely tempted to just lean across the desk and rip the damn thing open for him. It's not like this is some rare delicacy from Southern France he's dealing with, after all - it's a goddamn Hostess snake cake.
"Patience is a virtue Vin strives to teach us all," Josiah says beside him and Ezra quirks an eyebrow at the man.
"And how's that going for him?" Ezra asks.
"Oh, about as well as you think," Josiah says, winking at him, and Ezra only knows Vin's got the first Twinkie in his mouth because the other members of the team start cheering. Ezra turns around and sees another Twinkie disappear into Vin's mouth, the obscenely yellow snack folded in half and practically inhaled. A third quickly follows, and Ezra's really starting to believe his theory about Vin and his unhingable jaw.
By the time Vin's gotten to his sixth Twinkie - six in under 45 seconds - Ezra's passed the point of astonishment and gone all the way around to something near nausea.
By the time Vin's eaten his twentieth - fitting it all in exactly at the same time that the alarm on JD's phone goes off - Ezra's already decided to excuse himself from the team and take an early lunch at The Saloon, where he can reevaluate his life choices over a glass of bourbon and a really good steak.
*
The next time Ezra runs into a Twinkie, it's three days after he's officially ended his probationary period and he's chasing a suspected cigarette runner through a convenience store. He'd feel worse about the fact that the perp is actually just some pimply kid if it wasn't for the fact that the kid threw a blue slushie in Ezra's face when he first approached him and thus most likely irrevocably ruined one of his favorite Hermes ties.
"Would you just stop!" he shouts out, because now the kid is throwing crap off the shelves at him, and that's just beyond annoying.
"Fuck off, creep!" the kid shouts back, and Ezra's really starting to regret that the ATF doesn't allow its agents to carry tasers when he steps on a package of Twinkies and goes sliding into one of the metal shelves, managing to both knock himself out and cause approximately $600 worth of damage.
The real insult comes when he's having his forehead stitched up by Nathan (again) and Buck approaches him with a somber look and holding something behind his back.
"What?" Ezra snaps.
"Well," Buck says, "bad news is the security camera didn't get a good look at the perp." He brings his hand out from behind his back and now he's grinning like an ass as he holds out something that, while still very squished, is unmistakably a Twinkie. "Good news is, at least the Twinkie survived."
*
By the time Ezra has a third Twinkie-related mishap, he's beginning to think there's either a global conspiracy or his new teammates have decided to fuck with him. He'd really hate it to be the former, because he knows that way madness and tin hats lie, but, well, it's hard to specifically point the blame at any one teammate on this occasion.
The problem lies in the fact that apparently their current bad guy gunrunner also runs drugs on the side, which means the DEA has to be called in, which means Chris is going to have an epic pissing battle of some kind with whoever the DEA sends, which means Ezra's going to be stuck under cover for at least another week. All in all, not the worst thing in the world he's ever had to deal with, and the longer he's with Team 7, the more he's starting to suspect that this sort of thing is rather par for the course.
No, the real problem is that in order to bring in proof that Diego Rodriguez is smuggling drugs he had to hide some of said drugs in the nearest object he could find. Which happened to be a Twinkie. Which he then had to eat because Diego was starting to question him as to why he was carrying around a Twinkie.
Now he's practically vibrating with energy and he honestly can't tell if it's because of the coke he's just ingested or the inherently high sugar content of your average Twinkie.
Either way, he's still pretty sure that eating the evidence automatically breaks the chain of custody.
*
The fourth time a Twinkie ruins his life, he knows it's either JD or Vin's fault. He's leaning towards Vin as payback from that time with the superglue (but really, it wasn't like Vin actually used his stapler for anything other than a paperweight, and he'd owed Vin for the thing with the balloon animals anyway) but even as he's plotting his revenge he still can't help but admire Vin's craftiness. Sugar in the gas tank would be one thing, but an entire Twinkie?
*
The fifth time Ezra has to go mano-a-mano with a Twinkie it's another bet. This time, however, Ezra's pretty sure he's going to win, and that when he does his win will be epic. It will be a victory for the ages.
It will also probably be a little bit illegal, but that, really, is what makes the whole thing so extra delicious for him.
Of course, the biggest problem is that in order to win said bet (which is with Chris, even if Chris doesn't know it yet) he has to eat a Twinkie. Sexily. And while he's definitely onboard with the more metaphorical sexual aspects of a Twinkies - it's phallic shaped object filled with white cream, after all - he's not quite sure how one goes about using it as an instrument of food-based flirtation. Biting the top off and sucking out the cream, while incredibly direct, also leaves a rather bad impression with regards to his excellent blowjob skills. (Ezra knows he gives a mind-blowing blowjob, not just because he's been promised anything from a knighthood to a small South American government for them, but because he always takes the time to elicit detailed feedback from his sexual partners; it is, after all, only common sense.)
On the other hand, Ezra is not going to swirl his tongue around the top of the damn thing while making eyes at Chris. There's blatant and then there's pathetic, after all.
It's while he's idly contemplating how to use the Twinkie to his best advantage that, of course, the Twinkie decides to take matters into its own vaguely cake-like hands and explode in his. He's not even sure what he did to it to make it basically disintegrate in his grip, coating his fingers and palms in cream and cake. He's definitely not thinking about seduction techniques when he begins to lick his hands clean (there are many things he will clean up with a handkerchief; a demonic snake cake is not one of them), but he starts to think about it when he feels Chris's gaze upon him. He looks up and, yup, that's not annoyance in Chris's eyes.
Ezra grins and delicately licks one finger clean, lingering on the tip juuuust this side of too long, but not quite long enough for indelicacy. He watches Chris swallow and then he grins and leans in.
"And that was just a Twinkie," he says.
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth where there are
comments