It falls
...in with what I tell you - that she's all, as I've called it, fine cold thought. She had, to her own mind, worked the whole thing out in advance, and worked it out for me as well as for herself. Whenever she has done that, you see, there's no room left; no margin, as it were, for any alteration. She's filled as full, packed as tight, as she'll
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2) haven't you finished that book yet? hell, you could read 2 or 3 paperbacks in the time it takes to get thoo one of HJ's sentences !
3) Cara (aka "growingoldest") showed up the other day. i was getting ready to write her, but i wanted to put some *serious* thought on it before i did. it could've been, you know, my final chance. i really want us to have some kinda mutual situation where both of us are operating at our absolute peak. you know she's written a couple novels, right? and the best one yet is in the process of happening now. ...but i need to give her some sense of how i operate, my "blocks and flows," all that. but *first* i need to figure it out for myself. like within the next week. i think both us want things to be totally great and mutually beneficial, but we have different ways of Seeing and being-in-the-world / if we were alike, i doubt there'd be any sort of strong attraction. i guess the point of this - and maybe i'm writing more for my benefit here (sorry!) - is that i need to act as though everything depends on it / because maybe it *does*.
there's the concert at her place, right? and, yeah, i'm *totally* going (a dream come true). her ex-husband (they're good friends still) has been doing a lot with the set.up and was hammering screws up there earlier today. they've spent enough time with each other where there's almost a psychic quality to their back an' forth, tawk about "valence electrons" and "equal and opposing forces." it's all a lot to digest, but i'm going to must try.
thing of it is, when she came back the other day, i was thinking that - if there's some wild, seemingly intractable problem down the road - i'd be able to walk away and not sweat it in the least. but when i went up to her house, my psychology turned entirely: in a sense, i feel as drawn, as Connected, to her as ever, ever before. i've never experienced anything like that. and *part* of the answer is simple: she is a person of Rarest value.
so, yeah, i need to talk to her - sooner rather than later - about "where i am," "where i'm coming from" and it may require ... stepping back rhetorically. describe it as from a distance so as to get at something closer to objective truth.
anyway, just chattering away here. thanks for giving me a space to do it in !
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