Troubled...
I can't sleep even though I'm sick. To much on my mind. I've just about finished with my homework but I cannot even focus in the last minute study ups. Finished the 5 chem worksheets, reading the gatsby already troubleshooted for the essay, worked on my brochure, and am finally hitting the math homework. Why didn't I get to more of this earlier? I read The Great Gatsby through the week randomly when I had nothing to do. Yet still. This is why I need to take a time out - to organize my life. Even reading through my journals everything is so fucked up in the world of Todd. I have so many things to think about that I jump from one to the next never finishing all of them. I don't even finish homework. Frequently I go to school and find...oh...I only got 3/4 through this page. Yet somehow I manage to get it done before its turned in. I know my potential. I know that once I finally set my mind to the right things, focus on what, and who, is important that I can be perfect. Though I am flawed. Being perfect is impossible because it takes from to many worlds and perfection in the schools of all is non-achievable.
I ask, why do I feel this way? The way I do, and no it is indescribable. I keep trying to MAKE myself sad, because I know I am. Yet I am not. I am gray, I am numb.
Whenever I try to explain it to myself or someone, as I have tried many a times in past entries - it comes out wrong. Probably as it is now.
Earlier I took a multi-minute break grabbed a drink, smiled at a MSG-note left from Jonni, and finally glanced through my friends journal. I know its stalkerish, but I really don't care. His name is Alex Mazick, and he is brilliant. In reality he is a gentle, but mad, giant. He wrote about the swimteam and how by leaving he felt he would miss the team, miss growing and working hard next to those who he had swet, bled, and cried next to for years. I have been along for much of that ride. Yet here I am, close friends with all of them yet I do not feel a twinge of anything remotely resembling thier emotions. I know I should and I can muster it at any attempt. Yet it is foriegn to me. I feel like I went on emotion overload sometime in the past and now I just cannot muster anything.
The other night I told Jonni I loved her. She thinks she knows what I meant, I think I know what I meant. My body knew, it is as if my body and mind have severed thier connection. I could feel it throughout my body - Fingertips to toes there was something special and meaningful about saying it, and attempting to mean it. Aye, my brain on the other hand isnt in disagreement yet it just is numb to the feeling. I don't even remember what a crush feels like, or love for that matter. The time I felt the most love was when I had lost it. Maybe my mind is taking the present for granted, maybe I am overthinking and have progressed past joy into nuetrality.
I do not know. Although I know I meant that, maybe not by knowledge but my heart still has a voice. Hah and I know its my heart because I've, shall I say cut myself off, physically to her. Anytime if I felt like it I could change that, but I kind of wanted to see why I'm in this relationship. I'm trying to pinpoint my feelings w/o losing her. I have to figure it out fast though. I'm not really acting like a boyfriend at the moment. More like a friendly stranger. I'm trying to open up to her, not just for her but for me. I need this, now more then ever. Grrr once again strayed off topic. I think of Jonni way to much lol...she is my everything =P. ANYHOW
Back to another poor attempt to explain this emotional state to myself. There is one emotion that quite readily rears its ugly face right up to mine. It is the equality of stress, pressure, and worry all wrapped up into one. It is the one feeling that my brain seems to acknowledge.
For example this entire week fled by. I can remember feeling nothing but worry about people being upset with me, and thinking badly of me. I also feel the stress of deadlines from my family, school, and teamjunk.
My current thought is that I might be able to decode this gray mirage by breaking down the fierceness of my everlasting raincloud (stress). Stress is everything, school, jonni, sports, family, random appointments and encounters etc. Taking away one leaves extra time for the rest aswell as some well needed "Todd time".
My rational thinking:
I cannot take away school, that is very important to my life. Not really me, I groan at every teacher and ache at every assignment. They are all a pain in the ass yet I do them anyways...kicking and screaming
Jonni? Hah I'm not even going into detail: She inspires me. I am sorting things out BECAUSE of her. If not for her I'd probably just be continueing in my emotionless state moaning about it to myself in my head.
Family? Um, last I heard you cannot really tell them, yah well I'm not going to work on this project, and I'm going to ignore my chores. Well you can tell them, they just wont have it hah, plus its fun chillin with the Hoshor's. Despite what people think of them we are all completely bonkers. One of the funniest things I've ever seen/heard was my mom drunkenly attempting to explain her current state to me few months back. It was an hour before I left for homecoming and she looked at me with one eye open and the other half closed and said with a sloshy drunken lisp: "Honey, I'm not drunk, I'm just high". Hah and I was only asking her of she was O-K.
Random stuff? Also uncontrolable. I cannot just tell my orthodontist...well I think my teeth are okay, and they look straight, so I'm not going to visit you today. *click*
Sports? Ahh yes...the clencher. I love them. I hate them. I love to hate, and hate to love. Sports drain me of pain, worry, and hate. Yet at the same time fuel me (well atleast crew). Man swimmers are such pansies compared to rowers (I've gotten soft...). Anyhow. Truth is this is the one thing I can live without. They are a bonus though. Much like a girlfriends they take up time, have giant perks, great pains and sacrafices, but at the end of the day you are happier because of them. Course my relationship cannot really be compared to crew, I'm just thinking in general. Bad metaphor. Anyhow I will miss being on a team. Yet I've discovered that its possible to have the same perks without the commitment. I can workout at home or at school. I still have weight training (damn only this year tho), and I can still urg/run the things that should keep my base muscle/trimness. I think it would kill me to going back to being 200 pounds.
Back then I was happier but didn't realize it because I was too busy looking at my pudge aswell as social problems. I want to go back to that happiness. Now that I've evolved past pudge, and am content with my "social-status" there should be plenty of room for bliss. Or at the very least feeling normal.
At this I have concluded to quit crew for atleast this spring season. Next year I don't think I'll return either. Yet I still feel like there is "unfinished business" with my goals. I wanted to be the best, I wanted to stand ontop of the podium, but for some reason putting an "ED" on want just doesn't sum up how I feel. That desire never really left and it is nudging me with every passing. I can ignore it for now.
Anyhow I am hoping to improve my grades. I did okay last quarter only because I had a strong first quarter. This semester/quarter will be similar if I take time to study as I should.
Study this, study that. Sometimes Todd IS a dull boy. It'd be fun to shoot myself over a mathbook. I say that with the utmost comical/ironic meaning. I think I'm going to make a clay figure that killed himself over a geometry book. God I hate math. Why use numbers when you can use words. Words have feeling, emotion, numbers are dead and careless. Yet precise. Damn I am torn. Maybe I really do fight with myself.
Ugh what do I have. I'm still sick. I look fine but I feel like shit. Whats worse driving to seattle made me deathly ill. I rarely get carsick but whatever I have brought it out. I had to stop on the freeway because I thought I was going to lurch all over my companies merchandise. Damn those perty flowers! Well it ended well. Started feeling better when I stood on motionless ground. Even stopped by Jonni's. LOL! She gave me some cough syrup and it actually made me feel better. Although at this moment its just a memory. Once again back to the worst.
I wish I could sleep...sleep is a peerless remedy. Yet it seems to be harder to attain restful sleep then catch a bearded lama. Damn those bearded lamas. I swear I almost caught one once.....but thats another story....
Going to try and get some rest
-Todd
I ask, why do I feel this way? The way I do, and no it is indescribable. I keep trying to MAKE myself sad, because I know I am. Yet I am not. I am gray, I am numb.
Whenever I try to explain it to myself or someone, as I have tried many a times in past entries - it comes out wrong. Probably as it is now.
Earlier I took a multi-minute break grabbed a drink, smiled at a MSG-note left from Jonni, and finally glanced through my friends journal. I know its stalkerish, but I really don't care. His name is Alex Mazick, and he is brilliant. In reality he is a gentle, but mad, giant. He wrote about the swimteam and how by leaving he felt he would miss the team, miss growing and working hard next to those who he had swet, bled, and cried next to for years. I have been along for much of that ride. Yet here I am, close friends with all of them yet I do not feel a twinge of anything remotely resembling thier emotions. I know I should and I can muster it at any attempt. Yet it is foriegn to me. I feel like I went on emotion overload sometime in the past and now I just cannot muster anything.
The other night I told Jonni I loved her. She thinks she knows what I meant, I think I know what I meant. My body knew, it is as if my body and mind have severed thier connection. I could feel it throughout my body - Fingertips to toes there was something special and meaningful about saying it, and attempting to mean it. Aye, my brain on the other hand isnt in disagreement yet it just is numb to the feeling. I don't even remember what a crush feels like, or love for that matter. The time I felt the most love was when I had lost it. Maybe my mind is taking the present for granted, maybe I am overthinking and have progressed past joy into nuetrality.
I do not know. Although I know I meant that, maybe not by knowledge but my heart still has a voice. Hah and I know its my heart because I've, shall I say cut myself off, physically to her. Anytime if I felt like it I could change that, but I kind of wanted to see why I'm in this relationship. I'm trying to pinpoint my feelings w/o losing her. I have to figure it out fast though. I'm not really acting like a boyfriend at the moment. More like a friendly stranger. I'm trying to open up to her, not just for her but for me. I need this, now more then ever. Grrr once again strayed off topic. I think of Jonni way to much lol...she is my everything =P. ANYHOW
Back to another poor attempt to explain this emotional state to myself. There is one emotion that quite readily rears its ugly face right up to mine. It is the equality of stress, pressure, and worry all wrapped up into one. It is the one feeling that my brain seems to acknowledge.
For example this entire week fled by. I can remember feeling nothing but worry about people being upset with me, and thinking badly of me. I also feel the stress of deadlines from my family, school, and teamjunk.
My current thought is that I might be able to decode this gray mirage by breaking down the fierceness of my everlasting raincloud (stress). Stress is everything, school, jonni, sports, family, random appointments and encounters etc. Taking away one leaves extra time for the rest aswell as some well needed "Todd time".
My rational thinking:
I cannot take away school, that is very important to my life. Not really me, I groan at every teacher and ache at every assignment. They are all a pain in the ass yet I do them anyways...kicking and screaming
Jonni? Hah I'm not even going into detail: She inspires me. I am sorting things out BECAUSE of her. If not for her I'd probably just be continueing in my emotionless state moaning about it to myself in my head.
Family? Um, last I heard you cannot really tell them, yah well I'm not going to work on this project, and I'm going to ignore my chores. Well you can tell them, they just wont have it hah, plus its fun chillin with the Hoshor's. Despite what people think of them we are all completely bonkers. One of the funniest things I've ever seen/heard was my mom drunkenly attempting to explain her current state to me few months back. It was an hour before I left for homecoming and she looked at me with one eye open and the other half closed and said with a sloshy drunken lisp: "Honey, I'm not drunk, I'm just high". Hah and I was only asking her of she was O-K.
Random stuff? Also uncontrolable. I cannot just tell my orthodontist...well I think my teeth are okay, and they look straight, so I'm not going to visit you today. *click*
Sports? Ahh yes...the clencher. I love them. I hate them. I love to hate, and hate to love. Sports drain me of pain, worry, and hate. Yet at the same time fuel me (well atleast crew). Man swimmers are such pansies compared to rowers (I've gotten soft...). Anyhow. Truth is this is the one thing I can live without. They are a bonus though. Much like a girlfriends they take up time, have giant perks, great pains and sacrafices, but at the end of the day you are happier because of them. Course my relationship cannot really be compared to crew, I'm just thinking in general. Bad metaphor. Anyhow I will miss being on a team. Yet I've discovered that its possible to have the same perks without the commitment. I can workout at home or at school. I still have weight training (damn only this year tho), and I can still urg/run the things that should keep my base muscle/trimness. I think it would kill me to going back to being 200 pounds.
Back then I was happier but didn't realize it because I was too busy looking at my pudge aswell as social problems. I want to go back to that happiness. Now that I've evolved past pudge, and am content with my "social-status" there should be plenty of room for bliss. Or at the very least feeling normal.
At this I have concluded to quit crew for atleast this spring season. Next year I don't think I'll return either. Yet I still feel like there is "unfinished business" with my goals. I wanted to be the best, I wanted to stand ontop of the podium, but for some reason putting an "ED" on want just doesn't sum up how I feel. That desire never really left and it is nudging me with every passing. I can ignore it for now.
Anyhow I am hoping to improve my grades. I did okay last quarter only because I had a strong first quarter. This semester/quarter will be similar if I take time to study as I should.
Study this, study that. Sometimes Todd IS a dull boy. It'd be fun to shoot myself over a mathbook. I say that with the utmost comical/ironic meaning. I think I'm going to make a clay figure that killed himself over a geometry book. God I hate math. Why use numbers when you can use words. Words have feeling, emotion, numbers are dead and careless. Yet precise. Damn I am torn. Maybe I really do fight with myself.
Ugh what do I have. I'm still sick. I look fine but I feel like shit. Whats worse driving to seattle made me deathly ill. I rarely get carsick but whatever I have brought it out. I had to stop on the freeway because I thought I was going to lurch all over my companies merchandise. Damn those perty flowers! Well it ended well. Started feeling better when I stood on motionless ground. Even stopped by Jonni's. LOL! She gave me some cough syrup and it actually made me feel better. Although at this moment its just a memory. Once again back to the worst.
I wish I could sleep...sleep is a peerless remedy. Yet it seems to be harder to attain restful sleep then catch a bearded lama. Damn those bearded lamas. I swear I almost caught one once.....but thats another story....
Going to try and get some rest
-Todd