Mixed feelings...
I am happy and upset, but mostly confused.
One of my friends told me that Jonni was holding hands with shawn or some other tall guy. Anyhow, after he told me I took it well kinda shrugged and walked away. As the day progressed it started to sink in and I couldn't take a step without thinking "WTF, I told you so Todd..." Yet as I thought about it more I realized - I trust her. Despite the fact of how she and Shawn, as well as she and I got together I still trust her.
So I dumped it, dismissed the very thought and totally shifted into I'll be happy for the rest of the school day mode. Yet after her concert when I saw her at 2:30 every emotion I dumped somehow flew right back into the front portion of my head. I kept thinking...yah she wouldn't do that, but at the same time thinking that it was possible and how it would be if she did. There is lots I will tolerate in a relationship. I am even okay with her flirting here and there. I do it too, but not as heavily. I'm really a cool bf when it comes to that area, atleast thats what I think of myself.
Anyhow, I have heard from her friends that she only holds hands with the guys she really likes. Its somewhat sacred to her, just as it is I. I'll never forget the first time I held hands, when, where, exactly the words said, etc. Phew, there is something about the first. They are so alike too...ANYHOW!
I should have contronted her about it, but didn't because I trust her, and I wont. I did ask her if we were okay, and slipped in nervously that I trusted her. She was confused, but as am I. I don't know what happened, or what might happen. I know there are a lot of guys that like her. I am not worried about a single one though, I know she cares about me more then them, and if she didn't I'd hope she'd tell me.
It's scary though. I don't often think about what would happen if she left me just as she left that other guy for shawn, or shawn for me. It's a ladder.
I had a conversation w/ Sam about it. For a freshman that kid is sure an evil genius. He understands what counts but is the most cruel kid I know. He was the first to ask me if I was worried about all the guys oggling her (trust me they do, I've heard the whistles, seen the heads turn). ANYWAYS I told him just as I feel. I'm not worried about her leaving me, but I'm also ready for it just as I was the first day we started going out. I'm ready even now. Does this mean my subconcious doesn't trust her? Damn, Stop it.
ANYWAYS On a happier note I had a semi-date today. We went to starbucks, henry', then our secret beach. Spiffy it was...
Listened to the red hot chili peppers and some jimi hendrix - good stuff although she didn't seem to like it as much as myself.
Hah I let her drive too...probably not a good idea but she needs to practice seeing as though she will...sooner or later get that license.
Errr so about school...lezzsee.
1rst - Not much...chilled with the H-dawg. Hedlund is a super pimp of the math-world.
2nd - Lowery was sick! Ugh Miss P tried to control the class...but failed really. I tutored this fella who didn't even know what a formal essay was. Man it felt good to help somebody learn something. I think I'd like to be some sort of teacher for atleast a little while. When I started he had the eyes of a lost puppydog. I could tell he was actually understanding my advise as well as my poem analysis explanation. I don't know if he will actually write it, but I know that atleast he knows how to write a decent formal essay if he wants to. You can lead a horse to water, but cannot make it drink.
3rd - Double-ugh, chem test...aced it tho and I've somehow raised my chem grade from an 88% to a 92-3%!
4rth - Actually completed most of the assigment she assigned, thanks to Alissa god bless that she hasn't given up. I'd like her, as well as myself to get an A this semester! After all the bullshit that this teacher dishs out I think I want to play her at her own game and win. Actually do every insane assignment she randomly assigns....which is somtimes 1-4 a day that range from making a poster to driving to the mall and chatting with a specific salesman for no reason....and due the next day. ANYWAYS, I've got I think an 87% in the class right now. Hah almost had a 33% tho which is the worst I've ever done in a class ever...but I bumped it up (it's a miracle!)
Just realized...I've never gone below an 80%...and somehow I managed a 33%? Just shows you how corrupt her grading is...she throws in assignements that weren't due, and takes out others that were on her scale... I'm going to win! *cough* maybe *cough*
5th - Booooring - went to the pac for schedule info that I've heard tons and tons of times...and I realized I'm going to graduate with like 26 credits if I don't take late arrival or early leave. *shrug* I'm still wondering which I should do....deck myself out in AP or deck myself out in senior core classes...I might even do running start....lots...to...decide
lunch - WHOA! What a breath of fresh air! Talked to Liz who impressed my with relationship knowledge. She really knocked my socks off...especially for her supporting of David who I actually see completely differently because of her...more in a pitty sense though. Hey hey...lucas was talking to not one but TWO girls he never talks to, can you say bow-chica-wow-wow?
6th - HEY HEY! Working out again! I hit the 65's but went back down to the 60's...I think I can get more from them then a higher weight since I can manage an extra 1-2 sets with the 60's. Its really down to - do I want to tone, or do I want to BUILD BUILD BUILD? I'm thinking the latter...but I have NEVER wanted to be a sprinter no matter what I do...I think I might just focus on a few specific muscles...ahem...
But I'm getting stronger! Also I'm really pondering when/where I could start running daily. I really enjoyed running the other day...and am even soar up and down from it. After a few weeks of not running at all doing a 30 minute run is taxing the day after. Hah...man my cartiovascular system is WAY out of shape.
After school, walking to my car, I saw Aleta...said Hi to her too. (Wearing a tropical skirt too...hah it was cute) Grr seeing her brings back a little bit of that fear/pain/uneasiness. I really need to talk to her. I think we both should get at the very least some closure maybe even salvage a friendship. I rapidly cut off contact not really even purposefully I just couldn't handle rejection anymore. I've been rejected...well lets see I'll put it this way...Jonni is the first to still want to be around me after a few months. I thought about that too for a bit, I was a really big asshole to her, despite how she let me down at the wrong time and the wrong way she didn't deserve how I acted.
Speaking of old almost-flames I believe Rachel even has her brother angry at me now. Somehow she enjoys holding grudges, and finally I don't care. For the first time in my life I'm GLAD things didn't go right, MONTHS and MONTHS later she is still giving my friends and I shit despite the fact that it was her insecurities and immaturities that ruined the chance of a relationship. ANYHOW I saw her today, or yesterday in the halls and she kind of gave a shock I F***ING HATE YOU glare and for the first time instead of looking down I struted my stuff and happy pranced by. Cruel but correct...even Shawn (when we were friends) told me to stay the hell away from her because she would do exactly what she is doing now. *sigh* I kind of miss him. He was a cool cat, despite all his problems and ours together I still like(d) him.
Hmmm thats perty much it...that was my day in backwards order. Well I had a decent day, ups and downs but I'm content, still a little bothered though. I've got a bunch to do before 10 so I'm off!
Tomarrow is fra-fra-friday!
-Todd
One of my friends told me that Jonni was holding hands with shawn or some other tall guy. Anyhow, after he told me I took it well kinda shrugged and walked away. As the day progressed it started to sink in and I couldn't take a step without thinking "WTF, I told you so Todd..." Yet as I thought about it more I realized - I trust her. Despite the fact of how she and Shawn, as well as she and I got together I still trust her.
So I dumped it, dismissed the very thought and totally shifted into I'll be happy for the rest of the school day mode. Yet after her concert when I saw her at 2:30 every emotion I dumped somehow flew right back into the front portion of my head. I kept thinking...yah she wouldn't do that, but at the same time thinking that it was possible and how it would be if she did. There is lots I will tolerate in a relationship. I am even okay with her flirting here and there. I do it too, but not as heavily. I'm really a cool bf when it comes to that area, atleast thats what I think of myself.
Anyhow, I have heard from her friends that she only holds hands with the guys she really likes. Its somewhat sacred to her, just as it is I. I'll never forget the first time I held hands, when, where, exactly the words said, etc. Phew, there is something about the first. They are so alike too...ANYHOW!
I should have contronted her about it, but didn't because I trust her, and I wont. I did ask her if we were okay, and slipped in nervously that I trusted her. She was confused, but as am I. I don't know what happened, or what might happen. I know there are a lot of guys that like her. I am not worried about a single one though, I know she cares about me more then them, and if she didn't I'd hope she'd tell me.
It's scary though. I don't often think about what would happen if she left me just as she left that other guy for shawn, or shawn for me. It's a ladder.
I had a conversation w/ Sam about it. For a freshman that kid is sure an evil genius. He understands what counts but is the most cruel kid I know. He was the first to ask me if I was worried about all the guys oggling her (trust me they do, I've heard the whistles, seen the heads turn). ANYWAYS I told him just as I feel. I'm not worried about her leaving me, but I'm also ready for it just as I was the first day we started going out. I'm ready even now. Does this mean my subconcious doesn't trust her? Damn, Stop it.
ANYWAYS On a happier note I had a semi-date today. We went to starbucks, henry', then our secret beach. Spiffy it was...
Listened to the red hot chili peppers and some jimi hendrix - good stuff although she didn't seem to like it as much as myself.
Hah I let her drive too...probably not a good idea but she needs to practice seeing as though she will...sooner or later get that license.
Errr so about school...lezzsee.
1rst - Not much...chilled with the H-dawg. Hedlund is a super pimp of the math-world.
2nd - Lowery was sick! Ugh Miss P tried to control the class...but failed really. I tutored this fella who didn't even know what a formal essay was. Man it felt good to help somebody learn something. I think I'd like to be some sort of teacher for atleast a little while. When I started he had the eyes of a lost puppydog. I could tell he was actually understanding my advise as well as my poem analysis explanation. I don't know if he will actually write it, but I know that atleast he knows how to write a decent formal essay if he wants to. You can lead a horse to water, but cannot make it drink.
3rd - Double-ugh, chem test...aced it tho and I've somehow raised my chem grade from an 88% to a 92-3%!
4rth - Actually completed most of the assigment she assigned, thanks to Alissa god bless that she hasn't given up. I'd like her, as well as myself to get an A this semester! After all the bullshit that this teacher dishs out I think I want to play her at her own game and win. Actually do every insane assignment she randomly assigns....which is somtimes 1-4 a day that range from making a poster to driving to the mall and chatting with a specific salesman for no reason....and due the next day. ANYWAYS, I've got I think an 87% in the class right now. Hah almost had a 33% tho which is the worst I've ever done in a class ever...but I bumped it up (it's a miracle!)
Just realized...I've never gone below an 80%...and somehow I managed a 33%? Just shows you how corrupt her grading is...she throws in assignements that weren't due, and takes out others that were on her scale... I'm going to win! *cough* maybe *cough*
5th - Booooring - went to the pac for schedule info that I've heard tons and tons of times...and I realized I'm going to graduate with like 26 credits if I don't take late arrival or early leave. *shrug* I'm still wondering which I should do....deck myself out in AP or deck myself out in senior core classes...I might even do running start....lots...to...decide
lunch - WHOA! What a breath of fresh air! Talked to Liz who impressed my with relationship knowledge. She really knocked my socks off...especially for her supporting of David who I actually see completely differently because of her...more in a pitty sense though. Hey hey...lucas was talking to not one but TWO girls he never talks to, can you say bow-chica-wow-wow?
6th - HEY HEY! Working out again! I hit the 65's but went back down to the 60's...I think I can get more from them then a higher weight since I can manage an extra 1-2 sets with the 60's. Its really down to - do I want to tone, or do I want to BUILD BUILD BUILD? I'm thinking the latter...but I have NEVER wanted to be a sprinter no matter what I do...I think I might just focus on a few specific muscles...ahem...
But I'm getting stronger! Also I'm really pondering when/where I could start running daily. I really enjoyed running the other day...and am even soar up and down from it. After a few weeks of not running at all doing a 30 minute run is taxing the day after. Hah...man my cartiovascular system is WAY out of shape.
After school, walking to my car, I saw Aleta...said Hi to her too. (Wearing a tropical skirt too...hah it was cute) Grr seeing her brings back a little bit of that fear/pain/uneasiness. I really need to talk to her. I think we both should get at the very least some closure maybe even salvage a friendship. I rapidly cut off contact not really even purposefully I just couldn't handle rejection anymore. I've been rejected...well lets see I'll put it this way...Jonni is the first to still want to be around me after a few months. I thought about that too for a bit, I was a really big asshole to her, despite how she let me down at the wrong time and the wrong way she didn't deserve how I acted.
Speaking of old almost-flames I believe Rachel even has her brother angry at me now. Somehow she enjoys holding grudges, and finally I don't care. For the first time in my life I'm GLAD things didn't go right, MONTHS and MONTHS later she is still giving my friends and I shit despite the fact that it was her insecurities and immaturities that ruined the chance of a relationship. ANYHOW I saw her today, or yesterday in the halls and she kind of gave a shock I F***ING HATE YOU glare and for the first time instead of looking down I struted my stuff and happy pranced by. Cruel but correct...even Shawn (when we were friends) told me to stay the hell away from her because she would do exactly what she is doing now. *sigh* I kind of miss him. He was a cool cat, despite all his problems and ours together I still like(d) him.
Hmmm thats perty much it...that was my day in backwards order. Well I had a decent day, ups and downs but I'm content, still a little bothered though. I've got a bunch to do before 10 so I'm off!
Tomarrow is fra-fra-friday!
-Todd