Subject?
I was reminiscing.
But why?
I've become linear. My last post was over a year ago and sometimes, usually when I feel very lonely, I come back to visit this page and remember. Remember the bad times and the good times but mostly just to remember. To live vicariously, through myself. I think I messed up somewhere. This post is so I can come back, probably in a year and remember, again, hoping that I had become better than I was before. I have no friends. Well, one. But none really. I try to remember what a friend is but I can't remember having any since I was in high school. After graduating, I had a friend that I played video games with. Eventually I became interested in partying and the like and so video games were out, as was he. Next came work friends, a phenomenon I hadn't known of before. We all knew each other, partied together, drank together, even lived together but I quit and so did they.
How do you keep friends?
Next came a series of girls whom I would've have said "These are my friends." But looking back I realize that we had utility for one another. Once that utility was lost, they left as well. I say "they" left but so did I.
Friends are about more than utility right?
Next came work friends again but a step below previous work friends. These "work companions" 2 years before were close. We talked about personal things and discussed each others feelings and thoughts. These new "work aquaintances" were there for, that's right, utility. We drank after work. Discussed surface things like women and drugs. It has been a long time since I have had a friend.
How hard is it to make friends?
I realize that utility is not the answer, obviously, and so I make excuses about their stature, interests, ticks, appearance, character. No one knows how lonely I've become, I am incredibly well with a charade. I'll end with a story about a person at work that I never want to forget. I remember saying that everyone seemed to like him, that he was jovial, caring, nice, etc. when he responded "I think people would rather see me dead." At first I took it to be sarcasm but then I realized it; he was serious. Later that night, we were alone together, washing dishes when we began talking. I asked him about relationships in which he told me of his incredible fear of sexuality, women, that had been built into him from his parents, mostly his religious father. He told me that he has this continuous feeling that no one ever likes him and that's when it hit me. The people that I could become friends with, people like him, are the ones that cannot have friends. See, you need to have things in common but the things that were common, the deepest feelings of reciprocity, were the ones that made us distanced. So I strive to change myself, hopefully into a person that someone would like to be around.
But why?
I've become linear. My last post was over a year ago and sometimes, usually when I feel very lonely, I come back to visit this page and remember. Remember the bad times and the good times but mostly just to remember. To live vicariously, through myself. I think I messed up somewhere. This post is so I can come back, probably in a year and remember, again, hoping that I had become better than I was before. I have no friends. Well, one. But none really. I try to remember what a friend is but I can't remember having any since I was in high school. After graduating, I had a friend that I played video games with. Eventually I became interested in partying and the like and so video games were out, as was he. Next came work friends, a phenomenon I hadn't known of before. We all knew each other, partied together, drank together, even lived together but I quit and so did they.
How do you keep friends?
Next came a series of girls whom I would've have said "These are my friends." But looking back I realize that we had utility for one another. Once that utility was lost, they left as well. I say "they" left but so did I.
Friends are about more than utility right?
Next came work friends again but a step below previous work friends. These "work companions" 2 years before were close. We talked about personal things and discussed each others feelings and thoughts. These new "work aquaintances" were there for, that's right, utility. We drank after work. Discussed surface things like women and drugs. It has been a long time since I have had a friend.
How hard is it to make friends?
I realize that utility is not the answer, obviously, and so I make excuses about their stature, interests, ticks, appearance, character. No one knows how lonely I've become, I am incredibly well with a charade. I'll end with a story about a person at work that I never want to forget. I remember saying that everyone seemed to like him, that he was jovial, caring, nice, etc. when he responded "I think people would rather see me dead." At first I took it to be sarcasm but then I realized it; he was serious. Later that night, we were alone together, washing dishes when we began talking. I asked him about relationships in which he told me of his incredible fear of sexuality, women, that had been built into him from his parents, mostly his religious father. He told me that he has this continuous feeling that no one ever likes him and that's when it hit me. The people that I could become friends with, people like him, are the ones that cannot have friends. See, you need to have things in common but the things that were common, the deepest feelings of reciprocity, were the ones that made us distanced. So I strive to change myself, hopefully into a person that someone would like to be around.