Fic: In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
Wow, it's been so long since I was in the fic writing circuit. So I signed up for go_exchange this year, because, damn it looks like fun and I've never done an exchange before. Have a fic for toning up!. Posted here at lower_tadfield
Title: In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
Author: todd_fan
Rating: PG13
Summary: The days in Eden leading up to that ‘Apple Incident’.
Notes: Huge thanks to my Beta of Awesome, ravenpan
It was sunny in the Garden of Eden. Of course, it was always sunny, but stating the weather was always a good way of starting a story. It set a certain mood. Media students, far off into the future, would learn of such things, nod appreciatively, and write it all down. [1] The Serpent was sunning himself on a rock. He didn’t look like any specific kind of snake, but then again, he was the very first snake. Serpent accessories, such as a rattle on the end of one’s tail, or an interesting hood around one’s neck had not yet been added to the Grand Design. So, for now, the snake was green, and slightly smaller than one would have expected. [2]. He was also devoid of legs. [3]
He was rather enjoying his time in Eden so far. It was a peaceful place, and the constant weather of ‘sunny’ suited those of a reptilian persuasion rather well. He’d been up here for a few days (more than seven of them) and was in no real hurry to complete the mission his Superiors had given him. They’d told him to stir up trouble. That was quite a difficult task in a trouble-free environment. Besides, a demon causing trouble out in the open would only attract unwanted attention, and the angels who protected the garden carried very large swords….which flamed. [4]
So, for now, the Serpent was glad to sit on his rock and soak up the sun. He’d been told he was the Guardian of some Tree. He’d thought that was a little daft, as surely a tree didn’t need much guarding, what with it not walking around and all. Apparently, this was a special Tree, [5] for its fruit held the Knowledge Of Good and Evil. God had intoned this a lot. Its fruit was not to be eaten. Under any circumstances. The Serpent had asked why, and God had told him it should be obvious, and left him to it. The Serpent personally thought God was still mad at him for the whole Falling thing [6], and wondered if The Great Almighty already knew what he was up to.
1. They would also learn about not going off on a tangent.
2. The Serpent had decided that It Wasn’t The Size That Mattered.
3. Much later, the snake in question complained where people got the daft idea of him originally having legs from. After all, if he’d had legs, he would have been a lizard. This was nothing compared to a little later, when that whole ‘phallic symbol’ theory came about and he’d had to suffer a rather unfortunate nickname for quite some time.
4. A term which would provide much mirth and mocking in later years.
5. So special it deserved capitalisation.
6. Or Sauntering Vaguely Downwards.
It was while he was sunning himself that the Woman walked his way. Her name was Eve. He liked Eve. She liked to question things, much as he did, rather than blithely accepting what God said like Adam was prone to do. He hadn’t had a chance to speak to her yet, mostly because she spent her time with those blessed unicorns, which did not like him one bit. So he took his opportunity now.
“Good afternoon, Eve.”
“Oh, you talk!” Eve said, surprised, looking down at him.
Bugger. The Serpent thought fast.
“No I didn’t,” he said, “Don’t be silly, snakes don’t talk,” a pause, “Hiss, hiss.” [1]
“Do you have a name?” Eve asked, after a short, embarrassed silence.
The Serpent considered. He did have a true name. No one had called him by it for some time. It was complex, and could easily strain someone’s tongue if they tried to speak it without proper training. He decided against saying it.
“The Man named me Serpent”. [2]
“No, that’s what you are,” said Eve, “If you can talk, you should have a name.”
“It was the Man’s job to name,” tried the Serpent lamely.
“Then I can name you too”, said Eve with a firm nod, “I shall call you….” she considered for a moment, “Crawly.”
Crawly blinked at her. [3]
“Crawly?”
“Yes”
“Ah,” Crawly looked uncomfortable.
“What’s wrong with it?” asked Eve.
“Well, it doesn’t seem to be very….” Crawly searched for the word, “…me”
“You’ll get used to it”, said Eve, smiling, though her tone of voice said ‘tough’.
1. The author couldn’t resist one Discworld reference. She offers no apologies.
2. Though, for one horrible moment in the naming process, he was almost called ‘Squirmy-worm-with-big-teeth’.
3. Which was quite a feat for a creature with no eyelids.
And so it was that Crawly developed something of a friendship with the First Woman. Not that demons had friends. Because that was crazy talk. And crazy thoughts, too, which might attract unwanted attention. Of course, Crawly was not one to think of such things, so it inevitably did attract unwanted attention, which left him in his current situation.
“Well, it’s not that I haven’t tried to cause trouble, My Lord,” he said.
The ground trembled a little as an unseen force rocked it.
YOU ARE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH, it said, OUR LORD WANTS RESULTS
Of course he did. He always did. He expected results on an hourly basis. And Down There, an hour had already passed, so results were behind schedule even before they were started. You literally could never win.
“Yes, Lord,” said Crawly, “I’ll be sure to get right on that. I’ll cause plenty of trouble. Oodles of trouble, in fact.”
JUST GET IT DONE
The ground shook once more, before stopping as ominously as it had started. Crawly sighed, tapping his tail on the ground as he thought. Trouble. Trouble. How could he go about causing…
“AWAY, VILE DEMON!”
“Er..,” was all Crawly could manage as something charged at him from the undergrowth.
The ‘something’ turned out of be one of the Guardians of the garden. He stopped just short of the Serpent and raised his flaming sword. Crawly ducked his head and waited for a smiting. After a few moments, and it still hadn’t come, he raised his head. The angel had paused, his sword still aloft. He waved it a little threateningly, then paused again.
“I said AWAY, VILE DEMON!” the angel yelled, then, when he noticed that this hadn’t worked, waved his hand a little bit, “Shoo.”
Crawly thought about this for a few moments, looking up at the angel.
“Aren’t you supposed to be smiting me or something?” he asked, “’Shoo’ doesn’t really get the job done. I mean, it doesn’t strike fear into my very being or anything.”
“Oh,” the angel shifted, a little embarrassed, “Well, do you think you could shoo, and just tell everyone I smote you? That would do me a huge favour.”
“You don’t want to smite me?” the demon asked, confused, “I mean, you caught me in the act of contacting my Dark Lord and everything….”
“Ah, yes, well…” the angel shrugged, “Eve seems to like you, and I don’t think you’d cause that much trouble, really, or you would have caused it by now.”
Crawly puffed himself up a bit.
“I can too cause trouble!” he argued, “You’ll see. I’ll cause so much trouble, it will change the entire course of history as we know it! Then we’ll see who can and can’t cause trouble. Won’t we?!!”
There was a long, awkward silence.
“Would you like to watch the evening come in?” asked the angel, breaking the silence.
“……Yeah. Alright,” said Crawly.
The angel smiled happily. It was the scary sort of smile that came to the most unpopular child at school’s face when he finally made his first friend, ever.
“My name’s Aziraphale,” he said, “What’s yours?”
“Crawly,” said Crawly.
“Crawly?”
“Yeah, I’m thinking of changing it.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Crawly the Serpent,” beamed Aziraphale.
“Yeah. Yippie skippy do,” said Crawly sarcastically.
“Is that a song?” the angel cocked his head to one side, “I have never heard it before”
Crawly sighed inwardly. It was going to be a long, long evening. [1]
1. Which turned into a long, long year, closely followed by a long, long decade, a long, long, century, and topped off with a long, long millennia before he finally realised he was stuck with the angel and the angel was stuck with him, and they might as well just enjoy each others company and help each other out if they were going to keep running into one another incontinently like this. This, of course, lead to the much capitalised and well known Arrangement. He still had his copy in his study. Hidden in his desk. Laminated. He never admitted this to Aziraphale, who long thought his demonic chum had thrown it in the Nile one drunken night while trying to sink a crocodile.
Crawly waited for her in the Tree. He knew she’d come by this way eventually. She always did like to have a look at it and wonder why she wasn’t allowed to eat its fruit. It was just a matter of time. Eventually, she came out of the clearing, and smiled.
“Hello, Crawly.”
“Hello, Eve,” he responded, “So. How’s your day been?” [1]
“It is beautiful and full of grace, as always, Crawly,” said Eve happily, then eyed him carefully. “It is not like you to be in your Tree so early in the day. I thought you would be sunning yourself on your rock.”
“Ah, yes…well,” Crawly cleared his throat, “It felt like a Tree day.”
He paused. Then took a breath. No going back now.
“The apples are in season now, I’m sure they’re very delicious,” he said, “Ripe and juicy.”
“You know I’m not allowed,” said Eve, “God forbade it.”
“Ahhh, but I distinctly remember Him saying that you could eat any fruit from any tree in the garden,” said Crawly conversationally.
“Well….yes, we can,” said Eve, uncertainty in her eyes, “except this tree in the middle of the Garden. If we each its fruit, we will die.”
Crawly winced inwardly. He really hoped that wasn’t true. He was supposed to cause trouble, not some kind of mass death via an apple-based poison. [2]
“You will not die,” he chuckled, keeping it light-hearted, “I mean, why would God put something that could kill you in the middle of His garden? Nope, this fruit, this fruit, right here, it’s something else.”
“Oh?” Eve tilted her head to one side with a frown, curious now.
“This fruit will give you the knowledge of Good and Evil,” continued the Serpent, “Think about it, with knowledge like that, you will have a mind like God Himself. That is why He doesn’t want you to eat it, He’s not one for healthy competition.” [3]
“I’m…..not sure,” said Eve, her frown deepening.
“Come on,” said Crawly, “You’ve always been searching for answers, now here they are, ripe for the picking. No more wondering, Eve, you’ll finally quench your thirst for Knowledge.”
The woman watched the snake for a long moment, her very human eyes staring into his golden serpentine ones.
“I trust you,” she said, reaching out and plucking a ripe, red apple from the tree.
Eve hesitated a moment longer, giving Crawly a wary glance. He smiled like only a snake can and nodded. Eve watched him, nodded her own head, and then took a bite out of the apple.
And then she Knew.
To say things had gone a bit downhill after that point would be an understatement. [4] Of course, Eve had shared her newfound Knowledge with Adam, and God had inevitably found out. There had been a shifting of blame, first Adam blamed Eve, and then Eve blamed Crawly. Crawly thought that was highly unfair of her. Especially after that tirade God had gone on at him with. He didn’t quite like the sound of that ‘bruise thy head’ thing. Not one bit.
The look Eve had given him as she walked past on her way to the Eastern Gate was strange. So full of hurt and betrayal. Crawly had felt...something. He assumed it was guilt. Demons shouldn’t feel guilt, and this was a worrying development. Unless it was indigestion, then that was fine. He’d stayed hidden in the grasses until he saw their retreating forms, then slithered over to a figure watching them leave. As the first thunderstorm rolled in, he glanced up at the angel of the Eastern Gate.
“That one went down like a lead balloon.”
1. When he came to eventually read the Good Book, the Serpent was rather annoyed that they’d made it seem like he’d just jumped straight into the tempting. Everyone knew you couldn’t start out a conversation like that. Honestly, that’s what you get for letting your story be written by a second-hand witness.
2. He swore blind he had nothing to do with Cyanide.
3. Well, he wasn’t. Lucifer could attest to that.
4. Much like saying ‘my, that rather large meteorite hurtling towards the earth could cause rather a lot of damage, couldn’t it?’ would be a bit of an understatement.
Title: In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
Author: todd_fan
Rating: PG13
Summary: The days in Eden leading up to that ‘Apple Incident’.
Notes: Huge thanks to my Beta of Awesome, ravenpan
It was sunny in the Garden of Eden. Of course, it was always sunny, but stating the weather was always a good way of starting a story. It set a certain mood. Media students, far off into the future, would learn of such things, nod appreciatively, and write it all down. [1] The Serpent was sunning himself on a rock. He didn’t look like any specific kind of snake, but then again, he was the very first snake. Serpent accessories, such as a rattle on the end of one’s tail, or an interesting hood around one’s neck had not yet been added to the Grand Design. So, for now, the snake was green, and slightly smaller than one would have expected. [2]. He was also devoid of legs. [3]
He was rather enjoying his time in Eden so far. It was a peaceful place, and the constant weather of ‘sunny’ suited those of a reptilian persuasion rather well. He’d been up here for a few days (more than seven of them) and was in no real hurry to complete the mission his Superiors had given him. They’d told him to stir up trouble. That was quite a difficult task in a trouble-free environment. Besides, a demon causing trouble out in the open would only attract unwanted attention, and the angels who protected the garden carried very large swords….which flamed. [4]
So, for now, the Serpent was glad to sit on his rock and soak up the sun. He’d been told he was the Guardian of some Tree. He’d thought that was a little daft, as surely a tree didn’t need much guarding, what with it not walking around and all. Apparently, this was a special Tree, [5] for its fruit held the Knowledge Of Good and Evil. God had intoned this a lot. Its fruit was not to be eaten. Under any circumstances. The Serpent had asked why, and God had told him it should be obvious, and left him to it. The Serpent personally thought God was still mad at him for the whole Falling thing [6], and wondered if The Great Almighty already knew what he was up to.
1. They would also learn about not going off on a tangent.
2. The Serpent had decided that It Wasn’t The Size That Mattered.
3. Much later, the snake in question complained where people got the daft idea of him originally having legs from. After all, if he’d had legs, he would have been a lizard. This was nothing compared to a little later, when that whole ‘phallic symbol’ theory came about and he’d had to suffer a rather unfortunate nickname for quite some time.
4. A term which would provide much mirth and mocking in later years.
5. So special it deserved capitalisation.
6. Or Sauntering Vaguely Downwards.
It was while he was sunning himself that the Woman walked his way. Her name was Eve. He liked Eve. She liked to question things, much as he did, rather than blithely accepting what God said like Adam was prone to do. He hadn’t had a chance to speak to her yet, mostly because she spent her time with those blessed unicorns, which did not like him one bit. So he took his opportunity now.
“Good afternoon, Eve.”
“Oh, you talk!” Eve said, surprised, looking down at him.
Bugger. The Serpent thought fast.
“No I didn’t,” he said, “Don’t be silly, snakes don’t talk,” a pause, “Hiss, hiss.” [1]
“Do you have a name?” Eve asked, after a short, embarrassed silence.
The Serpent considered. He did have a true name. No one had called him by it for some time. It was complex, and could easily strain someone’s tongue if they tried to speak it without proper training. He decided against saying it.
“The Man named me Serpent”. [2]
“No, that’s what you are,” said Eve, “If you can talk, you should have a name.”
“It was the Man’s job to name,” tried the Serpent lamely.
“Then I can name you too”, said Eve with a firm nod, “I shall call you….” she considered for a moment, “Crawly.”
Crawly blinked at her. [3]
“Crawly?”
“Yes”
“Ah,” Crawly looked uncomfortable.
“What’s wrong with it?” asked Eve.
“Well, it doesn’t seem to be very….” Crawly searched for the word, “…me”
“You’ll get used to it”, said Eve, smiling, though her tone of voice said ‘tough’.
1. The author couldn’t resist one Discworld reference. She offers no apologies.
2. Though, for one horrible moment in the naming process, he was almost called ‘Squirmy-worm-with-big-teeth’.
3. Which was quite a feat for a creature with no eyelids.
And so it was that Crawly developed something of a friendship with the First Woman. Not that demons had friends. Because that was crazy talk. And crazy thoughts, too, which might attract unwanted attention. Of course, Crawly was not one to think of such things, so it inevitably did attract unwanted attention, which left him in his current situation.
“Well, it’s not that I haven’t tried to cause trouble, My Lord,” he said.
The ground trembled a little as an unseen force rocked it.
YOU ARE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH, it said, OUR LORD WANTS RESULTS
Of course he did. He always did. He expected results on an hourly basis. And Down There, an hour had already passed, so results were behind schedule even before they were started. You literally could never win.
“Yes, Lord,” said Crawly, “I’ll be sure to get right on that. I’ll cause plenty of trouble. Oodles of trouble, in fact.”
JUST GET IT DONE
The ground shook once more, before stopping as ominously as it had started. Crawly sighed, tapping his tail on the ground as he thought. Trouble. Trouble. How could he go about causing…
“AWAY, VILE DEMON!”
“Er..,” was all Crawly could manage as something charged at him from the undergrowth.
The ‘something’ turned out of be one of the Guardians of the garden. He stopped just short of the Serpent and raised his flaming sword. Crawly ducked his head and waited for a smiting. After a few moments, and it still hadn’t come, he raised his head. The angel had paused, his sword still aloft. He waved it a little threateningly, then paused again.
“I said AWAY, VILE DEMON!” the angel yelled, then, when he noticed that this hadn’t worked, waved his hand a little bit, “Shoo.”
Crawly thought about this for a few moments, looking up at the angel.
“Aren’t you supposed to be smiting me or something?” he asked, “’Shoo’ doesn’t really get the job done. I mean, it doesn’t strike fear into my very being or anything.”
“Oh,” the angel shifted, a little embarrassed, “Well, do you think you could shoo, and just tell everyone I smote you? That would do me a huge favour.”
“You don’t want to smite me?” the demon asked, confused, “I mean, you caught me in the act of contacting my Dark Lord and everything….”
“Ah, yes, well…” the angel shrugged, “Eve seems to like you, and I don’t think you’d cause that much trouble, really, or you would have caused it by now.”
Crawly puffed himself up a bit.
“I can too cause trouble!” he argued, “You’ll see. I’ll cause so much trouble, it will change the entire course of history as we know it! Then we’ll see who can and can’t cause trouble. Won’t we?!!”
There was a long, awkward silence.
“Would you like to watch the evening come in?” asked the angel, breaking the silence.
“……Yeah. Alright,” said Crawly.
The angel smiled happily. It was the scary sort of smile that came to the most unpopular child at school’s face when he finally made his first friend, ever.
“My name’s Aziraphale,” he said, “What’s yours?”
“Crawly,” said Crawly.
“Crawly?”
“Yeah, I’m thinking of changing it.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Crawly the Serpent,” beamed Aziraphale.
“Yeah. Yippie skippy do,” said Crawly sarcastically.
“Is that a song?” the angel cocked his head to one side, “I have never heard it before”
Crawly sighed inwardly. It was going to be a long, long evening. [1]
1. Which turned into a long, long year, closely followed by a long, long decade, a long, long, century, and topped off with a long, long millennia before he finally realised he was stuck with the angel and the angel was stuck with him, and they might as well just enjoy each others company and help each other out if they were going to keep running into one another incontinently like this. This, of course, lead to the much capitalised and well known Arrangement. He still had his copy in his study. Hidden in his desk. Laminated. He never admitted this to Aziraphale, who long thought his demonic chum had thrown it in the Nile one drunken night while trying to sink a crocodile.
Crawly waited for her in the Tree. He knew she’d come by this way eventually. She always did like to have a look at it and wonder why she wasn’t allowed to eat its fruit. It was just a matter of time. Eventually, she came out of the clearing, and smiled.
“Hello, Crawly.”
“Hello, Eve,” he responded, “So. How’s your day been?” [1]
“It is beautiful and full of grace, as always, Crawly,” said Eve happily, then eyed him carefully. “It is not like you to be in your Tree so early in the day. I thought you would be sunning yourself on your rock.”
“Ah, yes…well,” Crawly cleared his throat, “It felt like a Tree day.”
He paused. Then took a breath. No going back now.
“The apples are in season now, I’m sure they’re very delicious,” he said, “Ripe and juicy.”
“You know I’m not allowed,” said Eve, “God forbade it.”
“Ahhh, but I distinctly remember Him saying that you could eat any fruit from any tree in the garden,” said Crawly conversationally.
“Well….yes, we can,” said Eve, uncertainty in her eyes, “except this tree in the middle of the Garden. If we each its fruit, we will die.”
Crawly winced inwardly. He really hoped that wasn’t true. He was supposed to cause trouble, not some kind of mass death via an apple-based poison. [2]
“You will not die,” he chuckled, keeping it light-hearted, “I mean, why would God put something that could kill you in the middle of His garden? Nope, this fruit, this fruit, right here, it’s something else.”
“Oh?” Eve tilted her head to one side with a frown, curious now.
“This fruit will give you the knowledge of Good and Evil,” continued the Serpent, “Think about it, with knowledge like that, you will have a mind like God Himself. That is why He doesn’t want you to eat it, He’s not one for healthy competition.” [3]
“I’m…..not sure,” said Eve, her frown deepening.
“Come on,” said Crawly, “You’ve always been searching for answers, now here they are, ripe for the picking. No more wondering, Eve, you’ll finally quench your thirst for Knowledge.”
The woman watched the snake for a long moment, her very human eyes staring into his golden serpentine ones.
“I trust you,” she said, reaching out and plucking a ripe, red apple from the tree.
Eve hesitated a moment longer, giving Crawly a wary glance. He smiled like only a snake can and nodded. Eve watched him, nodded her own head, and then took a bite out of the apple.
And then she Knew.
To say things had gone a bit downhill after that point would be an understatement. [4] Of course, Eve had shared her newfound Knowledge with Adam, and God had inevitably found out. There had been a shifting of blame, first Adam blamed Eve, and then Eve blamed Crawly. Crawly thought that was highly unfair of her. Especially after that tirade God had gone on at him with. He didn’t quite like the sound of that ‘bruise thy head’ thing. Not one bit.
The look Eve had given him as she walked past on her way to the Eastern Gate was strange. So full of hurt and betrayal. Crawly had felt...something. He assumed it was guilt. Demons shouldn’t feel guilt, and this was a worrying development. Unless it was indigestion, then that was fine. He’d stayed hidden in the grasses until he saw their retreating forms, then slithered over to a figure watching them leave. As the first thunderstorm rolled in, he glanced up at the angel of the Eastern Gate.
“That one went down like a lead balloon.”
1. When he came to eventually read the Good Book, the Serpent was rather annoyed that they’d made it seem like he’d just jumped straight into the tempting. Everyone knew you couldn’t start out a conversation like that. Honestly, that’s what you get for letting your story be written by a second-hand witness.
2. He swore blind he had nothing to do with Cyanide.
3. Well, he wasn’t. Lucifer could attest to that.
4. Much like saying ‘my, that rather large meteorite hurtling towards the earth could cause rather a lot of damage, couldn’t it?’ would be a bit of an understatement.