Why not me?
I really hate to even think about making this journal entry right now but I'm mad and I want to remember why for some point in time where I get another burst of 'hope' and need a little 'knee to the groin' reminder. One night shortly before my grandmother passed away, I posted an ad to a personals site. I guess I was afraid of being alone after living with someone else for so long. Being allergic to alcohol, I can't and won't go to bars like many people suggest and I'm looking for someone one the nerdy side, someone I figured who would be searching for someone on the internet like I was trying to do.
The 'ad' really didn't produce much in the way of responses, getting a 'grand' total of 4 with only 2 being seemingly real women - one of which actually took to writing me back. Things seemed to be going well at first. We even talked on the phone. I was, well, happy. Despite losing my grandmother and the grief and other turmoil that caused, I was happy that I was actually talking to a real woman about my age who seemed, well, interested. At first. I'm not sure whether I was too truthful along the way or what but it sounds like this is going the way of all my other relationships with women and ending up as 'just friends' which will probably lead to not talking at all.
And I can't help but wonder, why in the hell can't I manage to attract ANYONE? Why do I always end up as 'just friends'? Or eventually, nothing at all? What is wrong with me? What is it about me? How can some people end up with more than one person and I can't end up with even one? I've tried my best to be positive, to be honest, to be hopeful, to be what people want me to be, to not be pushy or an ass. What the hell do people really want? They say they want honesty and sensitivity and someone who will treat them special, pay attention to them and all that kind of crap. I want to be that person. I try to be that person for them and it bites me in the ass as surely as if I stuffed my pants with dead fish and went swimming with a great white shark. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me anyway?
I want to say a great bit "Screw it!" this time and really, truly mean it. I want to turn my back on all of this hormonal, gotta-pass-on-the-genes biological drive garbage. I want to chuck this need to be social/intimate with someone in the trash as easily as I would the rubbish under the sink. I'm so damn tired of welcoming people in only to have them raid the metaphorical fridge, tear up the furniture and leave the place - me - a mess in their wake as they move on to someone/somewhere else. Like my 'ad', I suspect this will get exactly zero replies or maybe one *hugs*. No one will really know what to say but how could they? No one's had much to say in almost 4 decades outside of my family.
And it would only take three simple yet every meaningful words said in my direction to make the difference.
The 'ad' really didn't produce much in the way of responses, getting a 'grand' total of 4 with only 2 being seemingly real women - one of which actually took to writing me back. Things seemed to be going well at first. We even talked on the phone. I was, well, happy. Despite losing my grandmother and the grief and other turmoil that caused, I was happy that I was actually talking to a real woman about my age who seemed, well, interested. At first. I'm not sure whether I was too truthful along the way or what but it sounds like this is going the way of all my other relationships with women and ending up as 'just friends' which will probably lead to not talking at all.
And I can't help but wonder, why in the hell can't I manage to attract ANYONE? Why do I always end up as 'just friends'? Or eventually, nothing at all? What is wrong with me? What is it about me? How can some people end up with more than one person and I can't end up with even one? I've tried my best to be positive, to be honest, to be hopeful, to be what people want me to be, to not be pushy or an ass. What the hell do people really want? They say they want honesty and sensitivity and someone who will treat them special, pay attention to them and all that kind of crap. I want to be that person. I try to be that person for them and it bites me in the ass as surely as if I stuffed my pants with dead fish and went swimming with a great white shark. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me anyway?
I want to say a great bit "Screw it!" this time and really, truly mean it. I want to turn my back on all of this hormonal, gotta-pass-on-the-genes biological drive garbage. I want to chuck this need to be social/intimate with someone in the trash as easily as I would the rubbish under the sink. I'm so damn tired of welcoming people in only to have them raid the metaphorical fridge, tear up the furniture and leave the place - me - a mess in their wake as they move on to someone/somewhere else. Like my 'ad', I suspect this will get exactly zero replies or maybe one *hugs*. No one will really know what to say but how could they? No one's had much to say in almost 4 decades outside of my family.
And it would only take three simple yet every meaningful words said in my direction to make the difference.