It's time to start believing
Believe in what? I have no clue. I don't know what I want to do these days. I have a pretty shitty job. I have to do community service. I still have to do everything my parents tell me. I want to get out of here. For good.
I need to run away.
I do like it here, except for everything that is here. I feel trapped and I don't have a will of my own. Everything I do is masked by something or someone.
I'm not having a good day today.
It is not a good feeling to have tons of friends and people that you really like being around and seeing, but still feeling alone. I had this feeling at school and now it's happening again at home.
I usually put on a happy face for everyone, because no one likes a depressed kid. I don't keep my emotions bottled up or at least I try not to.
Do I need to leave everything I know and start again somewhere new?
Maybe going back to Iowa isn't what I need. Maybe I need to go some place where there is no one I know.
Why do I feel like this?
I know not many people read this and by not many, I think one or two. Maybe none.
Anyways, before I make anyone read me bitching, I'll write about my 4th weekend. Friday, Dave, Sil and me went to the Taste of Chicago to see Peter Frampton. Fun stuff. We came back to Dave's at like 10:30-11 and jammed for a while. All in all good day.
Saturday...I worked 10-3. Not bad, it went by fast. After that I went home, went to church, helped Sil's aunt and uncle move into thier new house, went home ate pizza, and went to Dave's house for his 4th of July party on the 3rd. It was good times. My band played a few things and I got to jam out with Mickey which was a lot of fun. I apparently played for like 20 minutes, but I was just in the zone. Either way, everyone said it was good so that was nice. By the way, the name of our band is not Past Defeats Present. It's Past Defeating Present. Different, but the same.
Side note: I still like Sugarcult.
Sunday...woke up at Dave's, helped him clean, then we went to Sam Ash to get his new snare drum. It's a friggin nice snare. I went home and hung out around the house most of the day. I went to my aunts for a bar-b-que then hung out at Jake's house on Sunday night. We watched Bad-der Santa. It was good. I like that movie.
Sunday night I had a wierd dream. I remember pretty much what happened, but I don't want to describe it in too much detail. As a summary, me and this girl were at my house(not the one I live in now, or even the one I will be living in) and there were a bunch of people there, so party like. The girl was my girlfriend...maybe, I don't know. Either way we ended up making out on some couch or whatever, then she just left. I woke up feeling extremely depressed. I woke up feeling really lonely.
The girl was a redhead and looked similar to a girl that goes to my old high school, but wasn't the same girl. I was so used to having a girlfriend in high school and now when I went to college, nothing happened. I remained single pretty much all year, but there were fucked up things that happened during the year, good and bad. Most of which I wish didn't happen.
Which brings me to my next point. There is no use wishing for anything. When you wish you get your hopes up just to have them fall down miserably. You feel even worse when your wish doesn't come true than you did before you made it though sometimes you think, that can't be possible but, fuck all it happens all the time.
So as time moves on I suppose I will get over this whole shit deal, but from what I can see, it's a continuing up and down trend with me. I need to get out of it.
I should go. I hope someone reads this, that way...that way...that way this person knows. That's all they need to do is know. Don't feel sorry for me because I don't feel sorry for me. I just need to find something. When I do, I'll be better.
I leave you all with one thing. "Know what you need. Find what you need. When you do, nothing can stop you."
I need to run away.
I do like it here, except for everything that is here. I feel trapped and I don't have a will of my own. Everything I do is masked by something or someone.
I'm not having a good day today.
It is not a good feeling to have tons of friends and people that you really like being around and seeing, but still feeling alone. I had this feeling at school and now it's happening again at home.
I usually put on a happy face for everyone, because no one likes a depressed kid. I don't keep my emotions bottled up or at least I try not to.
Do I need to leave everything I know and start again somewhere new?
Maybe going back to Iowa isn't what I need. Maybe I need to go some place where there is no one I know.
Why do I feel like this?
I know not many people read this and by not many, I think one or two. Maybe none.
Anyways, before I make anyone read me bitching, I'll write about my 4th weekend. Friday, Dave, Sil and me went to the Taste of Chicago to see Peter Frampton. Fun stuff. We came back to Dave's at like 10:30-11 and jammed for a while. All in all good day.
Saturday...I worked 10-3. Not bad, it went by fast. After that I went home, went to church, helped Sil's aunt and uncle move into thier new house, went home ate pizza, and went to Dave's house for his 4th of July party on the 3rd. It was good times. My band played a few things and I got to jam out with Mickey which was a lot of fun. I apparently played for like 20 minutes, but I was just in the zone. Either way, everyone said it was good so that was nice. By the way, the name of our band is not Past Defeats Present. It's Past Defeating Present. Different, but the same.
Side note: I still like Sugarcult.
Sunday...woke up at Dave's, helped him clean, then we went to Sam Ash to get his new snare drum. It's a friggin nice snare. I went home and hung out around the house most of the day. I went to my aunts for a bar-b-que then hung out at Jake's house on Sunday night. We watched Bad-der Santa. It was good. I like that movie.
Sunday night I had a wierd dream. I remember pretty much what happened, but I don't want to describe it in too much detail. As a summary, me and this girl were at my house(not the one I live in now, or even the one I will be living in) and there were a bunch of people there, so party like. The girl was my girlfriend...maybe, I don't know. Either way we ended up making out on some couch or whatever, then she just left. I woke up feeling extremely depressed. I woke up feeling really lonely.
The girl was a redhead and looked similar to a girl that goes to my old high school, but wasn't the same girl. I was so used to having a girlfriend in high school and now when I went to college, nothing happened. I remained single pretty much all year, but there were fucked up things that happened during the year, good and bad. Most of which I wish didn't happen.
Which brings me to my next point. There is no use wishing for anything. When you wish you get your hopes up just to have them fall down miserably. You feel even worse when your wish doesn't come true than you did before you made it though sometimes you think, that can't be possible but, fuck all it happens all the time.
So as time moves on I suppose I will get over this whole shit deal, but from what I can see, it's a continuing up and down trend with me. I need to get out of it.
I should go. I hope someone reads this, that way...that way...that way this person knows. That's all they need to do is know. Don't feel sorry for me because I don't feel sorry for me. I just need to find something. When I do, I'll be better.
I leave you all with one thing. "Know what you need. Find what you need. When you do, nothing can stop you."