(no subject)
I've been at this thing for a while. I know I took a huge hiatus, but sometimes it's good to come back and remember you have a place to speak your mind, or look at your past and realized how dumb you were.
Past relationships, past connections, past everything. You look at what leads up to now and have the choice of dwelling back there and saying "Man, everything sucks", or stepping forward and changing it. Though I can't say I've made any outward progress in being the person I need to be, I've definitely made a fair amount of inward progress.
I've learned about fear, sadness, the pain of loss, being useless, hurting others, and all the negative that comes out of a life for someone who's about to hit 30. There's not a lot going for me, and at this rate not a lot to show for what I could have done and could have been.
But I'm not just a bunch of negative. And I now have an incredible task ahead. March 4th, 2015 will be the first day I fly. And I don't mean on a plane, I covered that years ago when gong to Florida.
Before that, I have to prove to myself I can take care of me. That I can, while still helping others and being a positive influence, being a decent human being capable of being clean, consistent, and effective in the world. I don't have anything solid backing me beside what's inside my mind. I don't have charisma, I barely have strength, I'm not smart by society's standards at this point since I lack any certification and hardly any life experience. But I must turn that around. Not just "get the degree". Not just "always look as good as I can". I have to take what I know I can do and what I really want to do in life and DO it. Make it a thing. Stop looking back at my past and change lives, make history, make a statement.
I have to stop being "infinite potential" and settle into something. Specialize myself and be the number one resource for it. Accept that I cannot do everything, and that the things that fascinate me may not be what I'm good at. I have to accept I will lose people in the process, and those that I have hurt may never be a presence in my life again.
Saying it and accepting it are always going to be two different things. It's time to learn how to accept and embrace this reality.
Past relationships, past connections, past everything. You look at what leads up to now and have the choice of dwelling back there and saying "Man, everything sucks", or stepping forward and changing it. Though I can't say I've made any outward progress in being the person I need to be, I've definitely made a fair amount of inward progress.
I've learned about fear, sadness, the pain of loss, being useless, hurting others, and all the negative that comes out of a life for someone who's about to hit 30. There's not a lot going for me, and at this rate not a lot to show for what I could have done and could have been.
But I'm not just a bunch of negative. And I now have an incredible task ahead. March 4th, 2015 will be the first day I fly. And I don't mean on a plane, I covered that years ago when gong to Florida.
Before that, I have to prove to myself I can take care of me. That I can, while still helping others and being a positive influence, being a decent human being capable of being clean, consistent, and effective in the world. I don't have anything solid backing me beside what's inside my mind. I don't have charisma, I barely have strength, I'm not smart by society's standards at this point since I lack any certification and hardly any life experience. But I must turn that around. Not just "get the degree". Not just "always look as good as I can". I have to take what I know I can do and what I really want to do in life and DO it. Make it a thing. Stop looking back at my past and change lives, make history, make a statement.
I have to stop being "infinite potential" and settle into something. Specialize myself and be the number one resource for it. Accept that I cannot do everything, and that the things that fascinate me may not be what I'm good at. I have to accept I will lose people in the process, and those that I have hurt may never be a presence in my life again.
Saying it and accepting it are always going to be two different things. It's time to learn how to accept and embrace this reality.