(no subject)
I make it a point of pride that I go to lengths to know what and who I am. Unfortunately, sometimes its hard to swallow some discoveries about myself. And I believe that, to some degree, everyone goes through this. It may be cyclical, it may be a bit more sporadic, but I have found out I have small bouts of actual depression. I was burning through these past couple weeks in a rather good mood. I almost had to ask "is this what manic depression is?" until I remember that "manic" phases are far more severe. Like "I'm superman and I can stop that moving car" severe. But I think what irks me is that my downtime started around Saturday. And its seeped into now. I wanted to enjoy my time at Katsucon more, and I wanted to dig into what was around. I admit I made some poor choices on how to spend my time, but I always overwhelm myself so I considered it "natural" for me to miss one or two things. At most, I got to see Yaya Han in person and played some games against people in the gameroom. I happened by about 4 or 5 people I knew, and got plenty of cosplay visuals that I hadn't in a long time. I appreciated my company, whether they know it or not. I was just... distant. I couldn't bring myself close to anyone, and it's not like I wanted to get away.. I just wanted to look for a little serenity at all the wrong times. I also kind of ended my weekend on a sour note, and have work a little earlier than normal today. I guess, without too many more tangents, what I wanted to point out is my dislike for the inability to control myself.
I want a better grasp of my mental state. Know how to express and derail habits of mine a little quicker. And stop holding myself back at the wrong times. It's bad enough I find it hard to be affectionate sometimes, for reasons I'd rather not get into. But now I feel it's worse than usual, like I can barely connect with people unless perfect settings are in place.
I do know one thing: I have to stop looking for distractions. I'm trying to put all of my issues under the rug instead of deal with them most days, and that's not helping me. That rug can only hold so much, I have to eliminate the problems sooner or later. Of course, leaving myself in this funk (which I'm finding to be a bit more than just straight emotions, sometimes you can "feel" when a chemical element is involved) doesn't really get me anywhere. But once I find my way out of this quicksand, this sensation of always struggling to keep it all together, I'll make some headway.
I really should start writing more regularly. Not so much in this journal, but the poetry and short stories I had in mind. It's something I feel might be fun, even if I don't have a knack for it yet.
I want a better grasp of my mental state. Know how to express and derail habits of mine a little quicker. And stop holding myself back at the wrong times. It's bad enough I find it hard to be affectionate sometimes, for reasons I'd rather not get into. But now I feel it's worse than usual, like I can barely connect with people unless perfect settings are in place.
I do know one thing: I have to stop looking for distractions. I'm trying to put all of my issues under the rug instead of deal with them most days, and that's not helping me. That rug can only hold so much, I have to eliminate the problems sooner or later. Of course, leaving myself in this funk (which I'm finding to be a bit more than just straight emotions, sometimes you can "feel" when a chemical element is involved) doesn't really get me anywhere. But once I find my way out of this quicksand, this sensation of always struggling to keep it all together, I'll make some headway.
I really should start writing more regularly. Not so much in this journal, but the poetry and short stories I had in mind. It's something I feel might be fun, even if I don't have a knack for it yet.