no words
dear journal,
the recent plane crash in the french alps that killed over 100 people has left me speechless. when it came out that they believe the co-pilot crashed the plane on purpose, i was dumbfounded but i must say i was not as horrified as most people seem to be. i was in a long term, what i thought was a close relationship for a little over 5 years with a pilot. his name is brian and he worked (and still works) for a private jet company that takes fancy business people back and forth to fancy meetings. you know, the planes that have lounge couches and shrimp cocktail platters and champagne. he flies fancy planes, the kind you see in movies. he still works for the same company. anyway, ironically, he contacted me last week to say he was in nyc for 4 days and did i want to meet up for a drink. he does this every now and then, but i think it's been a year since he contacted me. his contacting me after years of telling him not to and him very well knowing how much he hurt me, he still does it. he just doesn't get it. or he doesn't care.
anyway, i know now what a pilot's life is like. people are saying things like this guy was selfish, choosing to kill all of those people just to kill himself. if he was really that far gone, in his mind, he was the only one aboard that plane. if you are planning on killing yourself, you're going to do it no matter how many people you think you might hurt in the process or afterwards. but you're not thinking about that. you're just not thinking of anything except ending it right now. you're thinking about how much better you will feel when it's over. my ex brian put on such a charismatic facade. you'd never know he was fucking guys in every city he flew to. you'd never know he was lonely or hating the fact that he never had a "normal" life. but he couldn't get away from flying. he just couldn't leave it. he made that sacrifice but he couldn't deal with the lifestyle it brought.
i can see both sides of what might've happened on that plane. i do believe it's possible for a nice, "happy" guy with a girlfriend to kill himself and everyone on that plane because he was going through some sort of internal turmoil. but i also think it's possible for the media to easily pin this on him. what if he had an undiagnosed heart problem that caused all of this to happen at the worst possible moment? what if he had a stroke? brain aneurysm? and the poor guy is being called a murderer. i feel sad for him and his parents. i feel sad for my ex who is probably still cheating on 5 guys at the same time with 5 other guys. it's a sad existence, being a pilot. i'm glad i'm not with him anymore and i declined the invitation to meet up this time.
the recent plane crash in the french alps that killed over 100 people has left me speechless. when it came out that they believe the co-pilot crashed the plane on purpose, i was dumbfounded but i must say i was not as horrified as most people seem to be. i was in a long term, what i thought was a close relationship for a little over 5 years with a pilot. his name is brian and he worked (and still works) for a private jet company that takes fancy business people back and forth to fancy meetings. you know, the planes that have lounge couches and shrimp cocktail platters and champagne. he flies fancy planes, the kind you see in movies. he still works for the same company. anyway, ironically, he contacted me last week to say he was in nyc for 4 days and did i want to meet up for a drink. he does this every now and then, but i think it's been a year since he contacted me. his contacting me after years of telling him not to and him very well knowing how much he hurt me, he still does it. he just doesn't get it. or he doesn't care.
anyway, i know now what a pilot's life is like. people are saying things like this guy was selfish, choosing to kill all of those people just to kill himself. if he was really that far gone, in his mind, he was the only one aboard that plane. if you are planning on killing yourself, you're going to do it no matter how many people you think you might hurt in the process or afterwards. but you're not thinking about that. you're just not thinking of anything except ending it right now. you're thinking about how much better you will feel when it's over. my ex brian put on such a charismatic facade. you'd never know he was fucking guys in every city he flew to. you'd never know he was lonely or hating the fact that he never had a "normal" life. but he couldn't get away from flying. he just couldn't leave it. he made that sacrifice but he couldn't deal with the lifestyle it brought.
i can see both sides of what might've happened on that plane. i do believe it's possible for a nice, "happy" guy with a girlfriend to kill himself and everyone on that plane because he was going through some sort of internal turmoil. but i also think it's possible for the media to easily pin this on him. what if he had an undiagnosed heart problem that caused all of this to happen at the worst possible moment? what if he had a stroke? brain aneurysm? and the poor guy is being called a murderer. i feel sad for him and his parents. i feel sad for my ex who is probably still cheating on 5 guys at the same time with 5 other guys. it's a sad existence, being a pilot. i'm glad i'm not with him anymore and i declined the invitation to meet up this time.