~15~
[Private in Personal Diary]
Aizen-taichou would probably be ashamed of how I have been acting these past few days, ever since my last entry, really. It has been seven days since I had realized that the taishu was going to promote a candidate to the position of 5th division and since then, I haven’t been in my office with the exception of checking the Kounisshimou for any developments in the taishu and see if results would be posted early…
For the past seven days I have been in Aizen-taichou’s room trying to calm myself back down.
I am fairly positive that I have been the only person to step foot in here since he left for Hueco Mundo two years ago. Several officers examined the room after his faked death, but other than that, it has been avoided like the plague. By everyone except me, of course. I have come back here quite a few times over the past few years when I feel lonely… more so now than ever.
It’s a sanctuary to me. It’s a reminder of the best memory I have with Aizen-taichou… that night when I was able to talk to him freely about the things that were on my mind and preventing myself from being able to fall asleep. His words… his voice… he was able to calm my restless heart and I was able to sleep through the night as he continued to write that letter. I was there the entire time that he wrote it, yet didn’t allow me to know that it was addressed to me. It was part of his plan and it worked out perfectly… everything worked out perfectly according to Aizen-taichou. It always did.
When I come to Aizen-taichou’s room, it is always set up in the same manner that it was that night. The roof is an excellent spot to clear my mind and be able to think freely, but nothing compares to the feeling I get when I am in Aizen-taichou’s room. I almost feel him in the room with me… I can practically hear his voice… and it helps all the problems in my life fade away. I sit on the blankets and look over at the desk for hours and remember so vividly that night…
Tobiume has stopped talking to me when I decide to come here now, so I can finally listen to my heart and not listen to her constantly arguing the decisions that I keep on making. She hates Aizen-taichou and Ichimaru-taichou and makes that quite clear. She tells me the same things that everyone else has been telling me the past two years, yet I refuse to listen to her as well. I can’t imagine that Aizen-taichou would ever do something so terrible without the motivation of a greater good. Everything that Ichimaru-taichou has said… makes sense and I will continue to listen to him and believe in Aizen-taichou. I will always believe in him.
For these past seven days, no one has really tried to seek me out… it’s as if they’re all afraid of what I’m going to do or how I’m going to react at the idea of a new 5th Division captain. I’m not deaf, nor am I blind. I hear the things that people say about me, see the looks that people give as they point as I walk by and that’s from people who don’t even know anything about me. There is a small handful of people who know me… really know me and even they have lost all hope and faith. It seems like the only person who will speak to me honestly is Ichimaru-taichou. Everyone else seems to avoid me. Or, if they do talk to me, they walk on eggshells the entire time and try not to mention anything related to Aizen-taichou.
Unfortunately, everything that I am today is because of Aizen-taichou. My thoughts, my intentions, my goals, my hopes, my dreams… it all stems down to that first day that I met Aizen-taichou. Seeing him planted the idea of wanting to become his subordinate in the 5th Division… The 5th Division is all I have basically known for the past 50 years. It’s all I’ve worked for and all I’ve put my heart and soul into, but Aizen-taichou is what made the 5th Division what it is to me. Without him…
Instead of thinking of how different life is going to be starting tomorrow, I’ve been thinking of how different my life would be if I never went to the Shinigami Academy. I probably wouldn’t be feeling this way... it probably wouldn’t hurt this badly to go on every day without him in it. But I wouldn’t be me. If I had stayed in Rukongai with Shiro-chan and Grandma, my life would’ve been pointless and meaningless. Perhaps Shiro-chan’s life would’ve been much different too… so I think that everything I have done has been for the best. Ever since I saw Aizen-taichou that one day, I have done everything in my power and nearly worked myself to the brink of exhaustion to become his subordinate and make him proud of me. I wanted to be some use to him…
Every time I see him say something on the Kounisshimou, the first reaction I have is to message him and ask him when I can be with him again… but I can’t. I’m scared…Scared of what he’s going to say. Scared that he’s going to tell me that I can be with him again and I have to leave behind everything that I know here Would I tell Shiro-chan ahead of time that I was leaving? Or would I just pack up and leave and have him figure it all out on his own? He’d be so disappointed and angry at me… I’d be with Aizen-taichou though. That’s what I want. That is the ultimate goal. To stand by his side again. Isn’t it? I’m more afraid of him telling me that he doesn’t want me anymore. What do I do then? I can’t stay in Seireitei after that… being in the 5th Division would be completely meaningless to me… especially with a new captain.
Who would take Aizen-taichou’s spot? The Vaizard? Madarame-san? No… they don’t seem to be right for the 5th Division. (Not like any of them are in my mind…) So that leaves Hisagi-fukutaichou, Abarai-kun, and Kira-kun. Out of the three of them, Kira-kun and Hisagi-fukutaichou would be the more ‘capable’ choices. Most of the members of the 5th Division are kidou masters and… Abarai-kun is lacking in that field even though I’ve tried to help him. He’s better than he was, but he’s nowhere near as talented as Kira-kun and Hisagi-fukutaichou. However, moving up in their own divisions would be better and more logical than having a new captain and a new lieutenant.
So that leaves Abarai-kun. I wonder if he knows that, too… When we were making s’mores that one day, he was awfully quiet about the topic of where he was going to be promoted to. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it then and there that I’m the only one who wants to keep the 5th Division captain spot reserved for Aizen-taichou. Abarai-kun is one of my closest friends, he’s an extremely talented shinigami… but he will never be my captain. He can wear the haori, he can sit at Aizen-taichou’s desk, but I will never call him captain. I will never regard to him as my captain.
He will never be my captain and I will never be his subordinate.
I have only one captain and it is not Abarai-kun.
I don’t want to even go to sleep tonight… for maybe if I stay awake, tomorrow will never come…
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