dedicated to boatlady for being so awesome and putting up with me...
there is nothing left in me....no love....no happiness....nothing but guilt and regret.
i have hurt so many people in my short life and for that i am sorry....
i cant say it any other way.
i need help.
but that help can only come from one person, or else it really wont be much of a help...
i need her.
but she is so far away. she shouldnt have to deal with me anyway.
i want to scream but i wont let myself. i want to cry, but tears are hard to find.
i want to die, but i know that there are a few people that actually do care that i would never want to hurt.
thank you everyone who has helped me out in some way shape or form...
your efforts are much appreciated, however, the only one who can help me is the only one who doesnt know im in this much pain...it makes me physically sick just thinking about her. i wish she would hug me one last time, and the last time i was with her was the last time that i felt completely okay...and now as i sit here, finally finding the tears to go with my sniffles and sobbing, i know that i will never be alright again. this experience has changed me too much. i have become cold and distant with those i once loved, which is completely unintentional...but i cant change what i have become. people say i shouldnt beat myself up over missing her, but i cant not beat myself up. it is my personality, and as much as i want to change...i just cant. not without lack of trying.
i hate what i have become, and i wish i could take everything back but unfortunately, i cannot.
if i have hurt you, i am sorry from the bottom of my heart. i sincerely appologize for anything i may have done to offend people in any way. i dont mean the things i say and do, but for some reason i cant help but do them.
i really dont feel like i have anything left, although i know this isnt true. i cant help what i feel, and believe me i have tried. tomorrow pretty much determines my future, and i already know what the outcome will be. whether i like it or not i am a failure, and i am not looking for sympathy from anyone. i am venting, and i dotn want what i am saying to be taken the wrong way.
yes it is true that i dont want to live anymore, but i have learned my lesson many times before. there is no need for anyone to worry about me, and i dont want anyone wasting their time worrying. i just wanted to make that perfectly clear.
my heart is broken, my mind is racing and my body is numb. all i want to do is curl up with her picture and my beautiful, faithful stuffed monkey, cry for days, and miraculously be cured. i know that it is not that easy, but the fact of the matter is that i lost everything back in june. all that mattered to me. the one person i trusted with all my heart. i worshiped her. she was my motivation for going to school, striving to achieve all the things she told me i could do, take care of myself, and i guess in turn, actually care about myself. however, now that she is no longer in my life, i have to move on. moving on has left me with nothing but regrets and the regrets keep me awake at night, always haunting me. i wish i could make the guilt stop, but i have tried without success and i am convinced there is no way.
i hate myself. simply put. i hate what i am, what i have become, how i got here, and mostly that i let it happen.
i cant read, i cant think, i cant sleep, i cant eat not that i want to, and i cant breathe...part of me has died, and i desperately want it back, but you cant bring back the dead. you also cant bring back the living. i miss you more than you could ever understand. however i dont blame you for anything, you have done nothing but stand by me through the hard times, and i am forever grateful to you for all you have done. maybe ms botros was right, maybe everything happens for a reason. i cannot seem to put my finger on this particular reason at this point in time. but i guess i got what was coming to me. i am miserable now, and i suppose i deserve it. i was spoiled before, i took everything for granted...this is my punishment and i will just have to endure whatever gets thrown my way.
i no longer care what happens to me. i dont want to give up this easy, but i just dont have the energy or the right mentality to fight for much of anything right now, especially my happiness, for it really doesnt matter now...
the room is spinning, and i am worn out. but i am begging everyone not to hate me and not to worry. this is something i have to solve on my own, and when the time is right, that is what i will do.
i feel like i am passing out or something, maybe i need a nap or some coffee or some food or somethign....nap sounds the best. gahh ihate being dizzy.
"but i cant run to you no more
to catch me when im falling,
i know i have to let you go..but i will not be broken"
(too bad i am already broken, and there is no way to fix me, im too far gone...)
i have hurt so many people in my short life and for that i am sorry....
i cant say it any other way.
i need help.
but that help can only come from one person, or else it really wont be much of a help...
i need her.
but she is so far away. she shouldnt have to deal with me anyway.
i want to scream but i wont let myself. i want to cry, but tears are hard to find.
i want to die, but i know that there are a few people that actually do care that i would never want to hurt.
thank you everyone who has helped me out in some way shape or form...
your efforts are much appreciated, however, the only one who can help me is the only one who doesnt know im in this much pain...it makes me physically sick just thinking about her. i wish she would hug me one last time, and the last time i was with her was the last time that i felt completely okay...and now as i sit here, finally finding the tears to go with my sniffles and sobbing, i know that i will never be alright again. this experience has changed me too much. i have become cold and distant with those i once loved, which is completely unintentional...but i cant change what i have become. people say i shouldnt beat myself up over missing her, but i cant not beat myself up. it is my personality, and as much as i want to change...i just cant. not without lack of trying.
i hate what i have become, and i wish i could take everything back but unfortunately, i cannot.
if i have hurt you, i am sorry from the bottom of my heart. i sincerely appologize for anything i may have done to offend people in any way. i dont mean the things i say and do, but for some reason i cant help but do them.
i really dont feel like i have anything left, although i know this isnt true. i cant help what i feel, and believe me i have tried. tomorrow pretty much determines my future, and i already know what the outcome will be. whether i like it or not i am a failure, and i am not looking for sympathy from anyone. i am venting, and i dotn want what i am saying to be taken the wrong way.
yes it is true that i dont want to live anymore, but i have learned my lesson many times before. there is no need for anyone to worry about me, and i dont want anyone wasting their time worrying. i just wanted to make that perfectly clear.
my heart is broken, my mind is racing and my body is numb. all i want to do is curl up with her picture and my beautiful, faithful stuffed monkey, cry for days, and miraculously be cured. i know that it is not that easy, but the fact of the matter is that i lost everything back in june. all that mattered to me. the one person i trusted with all my heart. i worshiped her. she was my motivation for going to school, striving to achieve all the things she told me i could do, take care of myself, and i guess in turn, actually care about myself. however, now that she is no longer in my life, i have to move on. moving on has left me with nothing but regrets and the regrets keep me awake at night, always haunting me. i wish i could make the guilt stop, but i have tried without success and i am convinced there is no way.
i hate myself. simply put. i hate what i am, what i have become, how i got here, and mostly that i let it happen.
i cant read, i cant think, i cant sleep, i cant eat not that i want to, and i cant breathe...part of me has died, and i desperately want it back, but you cant bring back the dead. you also cant bring back the living. i miss you more than you could ever understand. however i dont blame you for anything, you have done nothing but stand by me through the hard times, and i am forever grateful to you for all you have done. maybe ms botros was right, maybe everything happens for a reason. i cannot seem to put my finger on this particular reason at this point in time. but i guess i got what was coming to me. i am miserable now, and i suppose i deserve it. i was spoiled before, i took everything for granted...this is my punishment and i will just have to endure whatever gets thrown my way.
i no longer care what happens to me. i dont want to give up this easy, but i just dont have the energy or the right mentality to fight for much of anything right now, especially my happiness, for it really doesnt matter now...
the room is spinning, and i am worn out. but i am begging everyone not to hate me and not to worry. this is something i have to solve on my own, and when the time is right, that is what i will do.
i feel like i am passing out or something, maybe i need a nap or some coffee or some food or somethign....nap sounds the best. gahh ihate being dizzy.
"but i cant run to you no more
to catch me when im falling,
i know i have to let you go..but i will not be broken"
(too bad i am already broken, and there is no way to fix me, im too far gone...)