dead journal entry from 5-22-04
It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.
So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.
It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.
Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, the wind beneath my wings.
You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.
***
*dedicated to erin...without you my world would not go on turning, and a piece of my soul would forever be missing...we met for a reason, even though we may not know it always...i know im my heart it is true...and i will be here for you always...
and
m. franco...who has always been there for me, time and time again, without whome i would not be here to speak these words that i am right now...even after we go out separate ways, and i continue my life beyond high school, you will forever remain in my heart and i will never forget everything you have done for me...
sitting here sobbing...trying to think back to when life made sense...i just ate so much to take my mind off the fact that i am hurting so badly, that i dont think i can bare to see another day...i wish i was hunched over the toilet puking up all the evil that i just consumed...and i was...but nothing came, and i still have an abundance of evil sloshing around in my stomach...it sickens me to think about it, although i cannot do anything about it now...
the following four people hold a special place in my heart, no matter how many times they have hurt me, i will always remember them fondly, and i hope they will do the same for me...
never in my wildest dreams did i imagine missing four certain people as much as i do...one being my best friend whom i havent seen in over a week...this may very well be taking it's toll on me more than her, for all i know. she has not called in four days, and i dont have a number where she can be reached...another being someone i used to know and love, and now crave to speak with but cant, for she is either too busy, or too good to talk to me...i miss her more than i ever dreamed possible to miss one person...i dont know how to deal with this sadness i am overcome by...days come and go, and still i miss her, she was my hero, my friend, my mother, my idol, my everything....and now she is gone...i thought she cared for me, but i supposed i just made it up in my head, to fulfill the void of affection i craved from every other heartless soul in my life. i miss her more than anyone on earth, and it makes me physically ill thinking about all the mental pain she has put me through, but still i miss her...another is also someone i used to know, who i cared for, and who i thought cared for me...but i guess it just was not so...for now she has gone, and i have not seen or spoken to her in over a year...i lie awake at night thinking about these three people, which brings me to my last example...she has always been there for me no matter what, and i would give anything to speak with her at this very minute of my shaky existance...i need her to pat me on the knee and tell me "everything is gonna be fine kiddo", and immediately i will believe her, and it will in fact be alright after all...i need that in my life to ensure my ultimate existance, for if i ever lose this last person, i cannot guarantee i will live to see another day...for right now, when i have nothing else to wake up for, she is my everything...call me crazy, but she has done more for me than my own mother, and i will love her until my dying day...the same goes for the other three wonderful people i have mentioned in this short entry...i miss them all, and love them from the bottom of my heart...one of which i know will be there for me right up until i take my last breath...but right now she is missing from my side, and i cannot bare to think how long it will be, before we will meet again. i wish that at this very moment in my life, i was wrapped in the tightest embrace, and never, ever let go...for when i let go, i may never see these people again...and the worst part is, that they have no idea i feel so strongly for them...i love these wonderful people, and i wish that i could be with at least one of them right now...you may think i am weird, or say i am too obsessed with them, but i know in my heart that my love for them only comes from a special bond i once had with each...they are my saviors...and i will never forget them...ever...
i love you, eC zS mB mF.....you have saved my life so many times, and i will never let you go from my heart or my memory...thank you....my tears are falling faster knowing i may never see some of you again...i hope this is not the case, but i cant really be sure, until...well until the day we meet again, or the day i no longer exist on this earth...and with all my heart, i hope it is the former...
so as you can see.....i was right about people leaving....and the most important person in my life....that was back before i even knew she was going.....i realy need a hug from her...but she is so far away, and ill never see her again....i miss you* so much..please dont waste too much time before you visit...if you are even going to visit...if you wait too long...it may be too late...i miss you..............................
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.
So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.
It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.
Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, the wind beneath my wings.
You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.
***
*dedicated to erin...without you my world would not go on turning, and a piece of my soul would forever be missing...we met for a reason, even though we may not know it always...i know im my heart it is true...and i will be here for you always...
and
m. franco...who has always been there for me, time and time again, without whome i would not be here to speak these words that i am right now...even after we go out separate ways, and i continue my life beyond high school, you will forever remain in my heart and i will never forget everything you have done for me...
sitting here sobbing...trying to think back to when life made sense...i just ate so much to take my mind off the fact that i am hurting so badly, that i dont think i can bare to see another day...i wish i was hunched over the toilet puking up all the evil that i just consumed...and i was...but nothing came, and i still have an abundance of evil sloshing around in my stomach...it sickens me to think about it, although i cannot do anything about it now...
the following four people hold a special place in my heart, no matter how many times they have hurt me, i will always remember them fondly, and i hope they will do the same for me...
never in my wildest dreams did i imagine missing four certain people as much as i do...one being my best friend whom i havent seen in over a week...this may very well be taking it's toll on me more than her, for all i know. she has not called in four days, and i dont have a number where she can be reached...another being someone i used to know and love, and now crave to speak with but cant, for she is either too busy, or too good to talk to me...i miss her more than i ever dreamed possible to miss one person...i dont know how to deal with this sadness i am overcome by...days come and go, and still i miss her, she was my hero, my friend, my mother, my idol, my everything....and now she is gone...i thought she cared for me, but i supposed i just made it up in my head, to fulfill the void of affection i craved from every other heartless soul in my life. i miss her more than anyone on earth, and it makes me physically ill thinking about all the mental pain she has put me through, but still i miss her...another is also someone i used to know, who i cared for, and who i thought cared for me...but i guess it just was not so...for now she has gone, and i have not seen or spoken to her in over a year...i lie awake at night thinking about these three people, which brings me to my last example...she has always been there for me no matter what, and i would give anything to speak with her at this very minute of my shaky existance...i need her to pat me on the knee and tell me "everything is gonna be fine kiddo", and immediately i will believe her, and it will in fact be alright after all...i need that in my life to ensure my ultimate existance, for if i ever lose this last person, i cannot guarantee i will live to see another day...for right now, when i have nothing else to wake up for, she is my everything...call me crazy, but she has done more for me than my own mother, and i will love her until my dying day...the same goes for the other three wonderful people i have mentioned in this short entry...i miss them all, and love them from the bottom of my heart...one of which i know will be there for me right up until i take my last breath...but right now she is missing from my side, and i cannot bare to think how long it will be, before we will meet again. i wish that at this very moment in my life, i was wrapped in the tightest embrace, and never, ever let go...for when i let go, i may never see these people again...and the worst part is, that they have no idea i feel so strongly for them...i love these wonderful people, and i wish that i could be with at least one of them right now...you may think i am weird, or say i am too obsessed with them, but i know in my heart that my love for them only comes from a special bond i once had with each...they are my saviors...and i will never forget them...ever...
i love you, eC zS mB mF.....you have saved my life so many times, and i will never let you go from my heart or my memory...thank you....my tears are falling faster knowing i may never see some of you again...i hope this is not the case, but i cant really be sure, until...well until the day we meet again, or the day i no longer exist on this earth...and with all my heart, i hope it is the former...
so as you can see.....i was right about people leaving....and the most important person in my life....that was back before i even knew she was going.....i realy need a hug from her...but she is so far away, and ill never see her again....i miss you* so much..please dont waste too much time before you visit...if you are even going to visit...if you wait too long...it may be too late...i miss you..............................