"Living in the sprawl"
I have no reason to be writing anything here. I haven't written anything in here in three years. It's been since I went to the Philippines. A couple weeks after you started dating Bill. But here I am, writing. I supposed it was because I was really curious what you did here. You said you get all "emo" up in this bitch. I didn't really see it. I was sadly expecting more. Hah. I suppose the other reason I've come to this place is that I know things are rapidly changing. We speak about patterns, but I have this belief that this time is completely different. Yes, true friends will stick together no matter what. I can see myself doing that. Mostly due to preexisting conditions. Some times I want there to be an ending. I want you to no longer be a part of my life. I mean this not to be something harsh. I mean to say, I want you to journey past this era in your life. Me, I'm not part of the bigger picture. This is something I've been trying to come to terms with. No matter how much I am there for you and am "On the same team" as him, there is that part that yearns for something more.
No matter how much I try to fight back the voices, they persist. It's damaging my mind. It weakens my spirit. I hate being around you. That is when they are the loudest. There have been some many times when I wished I could just hold you in my arms. Just to feel the warmth. Well, I guess I'd have to be the warm one, but meh. It's shit like this too that fuck's with my mind. You said before how you wished you could have someone to completely confide in. So in one thought I wonder how close I am from being this person. I don't know how much in the last long while you haven't shared with me. Assumptions really. You keep things from me too. I'm not your confidant. You have reservations about bringing me to that level. Maybe there are things that would hurt my feelings. I probably could ask you if you'd share things with me. Perhaps you would actually open up with me. I would make these hopes regardless of whether or not they would bother me.
If I wasn't a man in love with you, I could be a better friend. Hah. That has an odd sound to it. I don't know if I could do it though. This really is my fate- is it? We are close. We are good to each other. We are friends. But that's all it'll ever amount to. I've talked at length to a couple people. I try to explain everything I understand about you. Most of the time I think people are seeing you in a negative light. Because of how distraught I am when I'm explaining. I'm not trying to paint you in a negative light at all. Some times it's hard to describe a feeling to someone else. Some times I get talking and that other person is only connecting on the frustration.
There is such a wonderful friendship between us. To me, it seems like there are times that I've strained it because of raw emotions. But, of course, I haven't really at all. It's all just mental insanity fucking up my cool. In three years I have written a great deal about you. The last few weeks have been no different. I thought I had an ending before when I wrote about things on MySpace. But, like you said, that ending was only the beginning to a bigger story. I love your story. I love being about of it. There are some many parts that other people will never understand and I don't give a fuck. I know what this means and that means. I know what this was like and that was like, because I sat next to you and took it in first hand.
It seems like the pattern is coming into effect again. He's at that point where he's wanting to limit your persons. It seems like the pattern is different this time too. There is such a finality on the horizon. You say he'll be gone for a few months and he can't control whom you're with. You say you don't really care much for rules. This and that... regardless of what you say, it's got more weight this time around. I even called it. The night we were on the roof. I said he'd shun me. It's his go-to move.
I sought the ear of a friend recently. They have tracked this story for a long time. And out of everything we talked about, they made a good point on one thing. They said that even if, somehow, we were to start a relationship, there would be a great deal of baggage already. The two of us aren't going to have any sort of relationship outside of friendship. I freaked out so bad when I met Jeff and watched the two of you interact. I was heartbroken. I cried over you for the first time, that night. It was because of the voices. They say I've been by your side for three years and if she's not with Bill, she'd probably come to me. I'm so tired of that sort of shit. It's maddening. That's why I want you to be with Bill. Hah. He's the only one that I want to beat me.
Like I said, I've been writing a lot. Some times it's wrought with emotions. Some times it's a series of semi-serious statements. I don't have a title for this one:
i'm not trying to drink you away
there was a sale on beer
i'm not listening to your favorite song
i set my playlist to random
i'm not dwelling on the past
i have been studying for finals
i'm not writing about you
you have a common name
i'm not upset about anything
isn't it still allergy season?
hey now, i have plenty of reason to be this way
but really, i'm just fine
even if i was, "down" i wouldn't write about it
i wouldn't post it on the internet
and then!
i wouldn't sit there refreshing the page
just waiting for someone to throw me a pity comment
because that... that would be sad
i'm laughing at the thought
i just lol'd
phew
no
i'm not doing anything
i just don't have the spare time
i'm not waiting for you to come around
i'm just comfortable sitting here with my thumb up my ass
"untitled #1"
I get weird at work. Writing comes and goes. I'm having a hard time lately. Nothing seems to make sense or have any weight to it. There isn't a heavy need for writing. I'll probably keep it up though. When it comes, it's good stuff. Even if the subject matter is a little, "dated"?
It's not even been a month, or a week since I last saw you. I want to walk over and hang out. But you've been at the apt. Do we only really hang out when your world is shitty? Maybe just in the last two years. I'm guessing.