(no subject)
About 3 years ago, on the closing of my senior year in high school I wrote a paper about the people who had been the biggest part of my life. For no other reason then to try and relive the past, I read it again and tried to bring back all those memories. Instead, I want to give an update on whats happened since.
I am now 21 and I feel like I should be enjoying my life a little more than I am. Having nothing to do with the people that surround me, I just feel like there's a big cave of emptiness inside me. Almost as big as the Grand Canyon I'd say. Yeah, that big. The reason is, simply put, I don't surround myself with as many great people as I used to. When I was having issues, big or small, there was always someone around. Now, the people I talk to most are my two cats.
In the past three years I've spent a lot of time figuring out what I want to do with my life, where I want to be, and who I want to be with. With all the paths a person can take, I never wanted to actually choose one and stick with it, even if I loved it. That only made life all that much harder. Pretty soon, the only grounded thing I had in life was my declining health. My family was moving apart, my friends were growing up, and even though we all say we want to be independent and survive on our own, it's a lie. I think it is the most human need to want someone else there, by your side, whether it be a friend, a companion, a co-worker or a loved one. All of my someones were going away.
I can easily take the blame for some of them leaving. It was my own choice to go to college in New Hampshire where I knew no one, and no one knew me. Perhaps, thats what made it so appealing, a new beginning. If no one knew anything about me, how could I let anyone down? I could be one of the many people going crazy for those few years where you do nothing but start the life you're about to lead on beer at a time. Now, other then getting extremely sick and having to leave college, I don't think, on my own recourse, that I would have stayed. It wasn't for me. I could do the classes, I could do most of the work, but I wanted to do it my way, and I wanted to have more freedom that was granted. I just expected college to be more of a distraction from life that it really was. You can't really escape yourself though, and when you know things aren't working you can't force them.
So, I made some great friends in college, had some great memories, and then left. I really wonder if I actually had any personal affect to those around me while I was there and if things changed after I was gone. I don't really keep in much contact with any of them, which I wish I did because at the time I thought they were the new best friends who would surround me for the next 4 years. At this point, I hadn't lost touch with my friends from back home. They were living vicariously though me as parents would through a new college bound child. They'd check in on me, see what was up for my weekend and all that.
ill finish this later. for myself. not for you.
I am now 21 and I feel like I should be enjoying my life a little more than I am. Having nothing to do with the people that surround me, I just feel like there's a big cave of emptiness inside me. Almost as big as the Grand Canyon I'd say. Yeah, that big. The reason is, simply put, I don't surround myself with as many great people as I used to. When I was having issues, big or small, there was always someone around. Now, the people I talk to most are my two cats.
In the past three years I've spent a lot of time figuring out what I want to do with my life, where I want to be, and who I want to be with. With all the paths a person can take, I never wanted to actually choose one and stick with it, even if I loved it. That only made life all that much harder. Pretty soon, the only grounded thing I had in life was my declining health. My family was moving apart, my friends were growing up, and even though we all say we want to be independent and survive on our own, it's a lie. I think it is the most human need to want someone else there, by your side, whether it be a friend, a companion, a co-worker or a loved one. All of my someones were going away.
I can easily take the blame for some of them leaving. It was my own choice to go to college in New Hampshire where I knew no one, and no one knew me. Perhaps, thats what made it so appealing, a new beginning. If no one knew anything about me, how could I let anyone down? I could be one of the many people going crazy for those few years where you do nothing but start the life you're about to lead on beer at a time. Now, other then getting extremely sick and having to leave college, I don't think, on my own recourse, that I would have stayed. It wasn't for me. I could do the classes, I could do most of the work, but I wanted to do it my way, and I wanted to have more freedom that was granted. I just expected college to be more of a distraction from life that it really was. You can't really escape yourself though, and when you know things aren't working you can't force them.
So, I made some great friends in college, had some great memories, and then left. I really wonder if I actually had any personal affect to those around me while I was there and if things changed after I was gone. I don't really keep in much contact with any of them, which I wish I did because at the time I thought they were the new best friends who would surround me for the next 4 years. At this point, I hadn't lost touch with my friends from back home. They were living vicariously though me as parents would through a new college bound child. They'd check in on me, see what was up for my weekend and all that.
ill finish this later. for myself. not for you.