another not so sunny day in cali-forn-i-a
well i think an update has been long overdue.
things are horrible right now and things couldnt be better.
and for both reasons....im to blame.
i met an amazing girl but at the price of losing a best friend. which is not how anyone would choose to do things. and lord knows i wish that wasnt how it went down, but it did. and now im paying for it. on the other hand, i think i finally found someone that i wanna be with. and even enjoying her company makes me feel worse about who i am and what i did at times.
but this is the first time in a long time that ive been with someone who im emotionally and sexually attracted to so much in a very long time. last few people i ended up being with turned into backstabbing sluts and i know this time it wont be the case.
but i hate even talking about her cause i ruined a friendship and id do anything to have it back. i drive around in my car now listening to old yellowcard songs thinking....wow i miss ben and i fucked up bad. and i am a horrible friend. i deserve a punch in the face. and i wish that is what happened. and i wish that would have solved everything. which of course is never the case.
of course this whole situation just adds on to my shit life. i talked to my mom for the first time in like at least a month just now. we talked for like a half hour. i finally aired out everything i had been holding against her for the past year or more. i thought it would be good to let it all out. but it wasnt. she made excuses. she tried to redeem herself by saying that " i did this for you so that should make up for whatever wrong i did in the past" when it doesnt. she can never just say " i fucked up royally" and take the blame and change her ways. she was a horrible parent for a long time and its hard to forgive that. esp when somethings never change.
theres maybe one thing that is looking 100% up and clear with no other problems surrounding it.and i only say maybe. cause i have a job interview tomorrow at american eagle and having a job and cash and a life for that matter will take my mind off of other things and solve a lot of problems for myself.
things are horrible right now and things couldnt be better.
and for both reasons....im to blame.
i met an amazing girl but at the price of losing a best friend. which is not how anyone would choose to do things. and lord knows i wish that wasnt how it went down, but it did. and now im paying for it. on the other hand, i think i finally found someone that i wanna be with. and even enjoying her company makes me feel worse about who i am and what i did at times.
but this is the first time in a long time that ive been with someone who im emotionally and sexually attracted to so much in a very long time. last few people i ended up being with turned into backstabbing sluts and i know this time it wont be the case.
but i hate even talking about her cause i ruined a friendship and id do anything to have it back. i drive around in my car now listening to old yellowcard songs thinking....wow i miss ben and i fucked up bad. and i am a horrible friend. i deserve a punch in the face. and i wish that is what happened. and i wish that would have solved everything. which of course is never the case.
of course this whole situation just adds on to my shit life. i talked to my mom for the first time in like at least a month just now. we talked for like a half hour. i finally aired out everything i had been holding against her for the past year or more. i thought it would be good to let it all out. but it wasnt. she made excuses. she tried to redeem herself by saying that " i did this for you so that should make up for whatever wrong i did in the past" when it doesnt. she can never just say " i fucked up royally" and take the blame and change her ways. she was a horrible parent for a long time and its hard to forgive that. esp when somethings never change.
theres maybe one thing that is looking 100% up and clear with no other problems surrounding it.and i only say maybe. cause i have a job interview tomorrow at american eagle and having a job and cash and a life for that matter will take my mind off of other things and solve a lot of problems for myself.