Subject Shmubject....
It's one of those moods again.. I don't know where it comes from. Things are going so well. I feel great. I feel relaxed. I feel loved. I feel like I am surrounded by good shtuff.
Then out of nowhere it all goes away. Now, just hours later, I feel totally different. I feel blank. I feel empty. I feel alone. I don't know where it came from, it just came out of nowhere. I don't like it. It is these feelings that are making it hard. I feel alone again. Alone in a way that I can not describe. I know I am not alone. But I am. I doubt my hopes. I doubt other people's devotion. Why would you be devoted to someone when they can't even be themselves anymore. Why would you be friends with someone who is always miserable and always blah like me. I don't get it! I really don't. Why would you love someone who acts the way I have been acting over the past months. Years. Argh.. I want this to all go away.
It is beyond my comprehension why some of you even read this journal anymore. I have bitched and complained more then most people have. Yea I know that is what the point of this thing is, but still. It is pathetic how miserable I am. :-(
Maybe one day I will not feel this way anymore. Maybe one day I will have an entire day of happiness and smilies. Maybe one day I will wake up in someone's arms who will love me unconditionally, no matter what. Maybe one day I will be able to feel love for myself. The love that I was feeling for myself is fading again. I wish I could do something about that. But, I can not. It is something that will have to come back again over time with slow steps.
I know that things will change, but will that be anytime soon? I don't think so. My days seem so short and my chances for feeling happy seem shorter. I am so very scared. I am scared of what I am going to do with myself in the future.
School ends soon.. Where will I be going from there? I need to get out of this house, but where will I go? Will I stay local? Will I go far away? Will I stay in the region or leave to another area? I don't know. These are just added to the shit that I have already been going through. Argh... I hate saying this but I feel like I want to be back on my medication so bad again, but I don't know how to ask to be put back on it. I know that I have had despression, and I know that it is not my imagination. I know my sister and the rest of my family also is scrwed up like me, but they won't act on it. I know that I have the ability to get whatever medication I am able to use, but I am afraid of going back on it. For 2 years I have relied on it to help me out in certain times. Maybe this time I don't need it as much, but these ups and downs are really getting to me. It seems like it is never going to stop. This time I am alone too. I am not dating anyone who can help me through this. At least for most of last time I had someone who cared and loved me at my side giving me help. It is weird how things can change, yet, some things don't change. Someone may not be there anymore, but for some reason, you still feel like you want that person there to help out with certain things, eventhough you don't need to have them. Go Figure...
Well I am going to go. I think I am done bitching for now. I should be studying but I really do not have the ambition. I know that I need to keep studying. My grades right now are as follows:
Operations Management: 91 A-
Systems Analysis & Design: 85 B
File Processing: 115 A
Networking: 104 A
I know that if I keep those grades up then I will be able to make Deans list this semester, and most likely I will make it next semester. That will mean I made it my entire Sophomore, Junior, and Senior Year!! That also means I can boost my GPA up from a 3.438 to a 3.5 at least!! I am very excited at being able to graduate with honors!! Maybe I will get high honors... that would rock... I know I won't get highest honors, but that is ok, I just want a little bit of recognition so that my parents will actually be proud of me for a change. Maybe that will make me happy with myself... If only my parents were actually proud of me for a change, or actually showed some feelings. COLD PEOPLE!!
Ok off my soapbox...
-Mikey
Then out of nowhere it all goes away. Now, just hours later, I feel totally different. I feel blank. I feel empty. I feel alone. I don't know where it came from, it just came out of nowhere. I don't like it. It is these feelings that are making it hard. I feel alone again. Alone in a way that I can not describe. I know I am not alone. But I am. I doubt my hopes. I doubt other people's devotion. Why would you be devoted to someone when they can't even be themselves anymore. Why would you be friends with someone who is always miserable and always blah like me. I don't get it! I really don't. Why would you love someone who acts the way I have been acting over the past months. Years. Argh.. I want this to all go away.
It is beyond my comprehension why some of you even read this journal anymore. I have bitched and complained more then most people have. Yea I know that is what the point of this thing is, but still. It is pathetic how miserable I am. :-(
Maybe one day I will not feel this way anymore. Maybe one day I will have an entire day of happiness and smilies. Maybe one day I will wake up in someone's arms who will love me unconditionally, no matter what. Maybe one day I will be able to feel love for myself. The love that I was feeling for myself is fading again. I wish I could do something about that. But, I can not. It is something that will have to come back again over time with slow steps.
I know that things will change, but will that be anytime soon? I don't think so. My days seem so short and my chances for feeling happy seem shorter. I am so very scared. I am scared of what I am going to do with myself in the future.
School ends soon.. Where will I be going from there? I need to get out of this house, but where will I go? Will I stay local? Will I go far away? Will I stay in the region or leave to another area? I don't know. These are just added to the shit that I have already been going through. Argh... I hate saying this but I feel like I want to be back on my medication so bad again, but I don't know how to ask to be put back on it. I know that I have had despression, and I know that it is not my imagination. I know my sister and the rest of my family also is scrwed up like me, but they won't act on it. I know that I have the ability to get whatever medication I am able to use, but I am afraid of going back on it. For 2 years I have relied on it to help me out in certain times. Maybe this time I don't need it as much, but these ups and downs are really getting to me. It seems like it is never going to stop. This time I am alone too. I am not dating anyone who can help me through this. At least for most of last time I had someone who cared and loved me at my side giving me help. It is weird how things can change, yet, some things don't change. Someone may not be there anymore, but for some reason, you still feel like you want that person there to help out with certain things, eventhough you don't need to have them. Go Figure...
Well I am going to go. I think I am done bitching for now. I should be studying but I really do not have the ambition. I know that I need to keep studying. My grades right now are as follows:
Operations Management: 91 A-
Systems Analysis & Design: 85 B
File Processing: 115 A
Networking: 104 A
I know that if I keep those grades up then I will be able to make Deans list this semester, and most likely I will make it next semester. That will mean I made it my entire Sophomore, Junior, and Senior Year!! That also means I can boost my GPA up from a 3.438 to a 3.5 at least!! I am very excited at being able to graduate with honors!! Maybe I will get high honors... that would rock... I know I won't get highest honors, but that is ok, I just want a little bit of recognition so that my parents will actually be proud of me for a change. Maybe that will make me happy with myself... If only my parents were actually proud of me for a change, or actually showed some feelings. COLD PEOPLE!!
Ok off my soapbox...
-Mikey