(no subject)
i suppose i should apologize for not updating this dohicky.
meh, well i'm not going to.
normally by now i would have had a sentimental/nostalgic account of my first year of college, but at the moment, i'm distancing myself from vulnerability.
let's just say i feel that i'm a completely different person, in many ways.
i look back at myself at the beginning of the first semester, and i almost feel bad for myself. but more in a protective maternal way. as if i (back then) were the child of my current self. i just want to hug that girl, and be like, 'dude, everything will change'. i mean, you know, this isn't in any way an emo statement. that's not what i mean.
i was just really naive at that point. less so than the beginning of the summer. i finally had my first heartbreak under my belt, so i felt like i could tackle anything. i think of how i'm dealing with situations now, and how i dealt with them as i got more accustomed to the independent lifestyle, and had to rely on (for the most part) my own intuition and experiences, and i recall how i normally would have responded.
so much differently.
now, an update on my life events since i last updated? i think it's been a little more than two weeks, i really don't know. perhaps less than that. but i'm going through another adjustment phase, so bear with me.
normally i'd post, post after post of the details in really ambiguous, angsty, emo-esque ways, but i really don't think i'm going to this time.
in my attempts at being more open and trustworthy, more accepting and forward, i'm detracting and pulling back in several ways.
i'm 'partitioning' off certain ingrained and deeply rooted reactions.
i never knew any other way.
bear with me.
or is it bare with me? i don't know.
again, the summer heralds in both a learning and growing experience.
i thought i could get away this time.
it's all grey though. it's not black and white like before. there isn't that one reason why i should abandon everything for the sake of saving myself from pain.
chase, you won't believe this but i think you're a profit. lol
"faith is coming back... in a big way"
the last couple of days, those have been the words i've kept going back to.
i've never had faith in any aspect of my life. i've had blind hope. well, perhaps that's the same thing.
but i've abandoned those notions in the last couple of years, for the sake of being naive and ignorant to the reality of life.
hm.
let it be known, that emily toth is going to believe in faith just this once.
just this once.
meh, well i'm not going to.
normally by now i would have had a sentimental/nostalgic account of my first year of college, but at the moment, i'm distancing myself from vulnerability.
let's just say i feel that i'm a completely different person, in many ways.
i look back at myself at the beginning of the first semester, and i almost feel bad for myself. but more in a protective maternal way. as if i (back then) were the child of my current self. i just want to hug that girl, and be like, 'dude, everything will change'. i mean, you know, this isn't in any way an emo statement. that's not what i mean.
i was just really naive at that point. less so than the beginning of the summer. i finally had my first heartbreak under my belt, so i felt like i could tackle anything. i think of how i'm dealing with situations now, and how i dealt with them as i got more accustomed to the independent lifestyle, and had to rely on (for the most part) my own intuition and experiences, and i recall how i normally would have responded.
so much differently.
now, an update on my life events since i last updated? i think it's been a little more than two weeks, i really don't know. perhaps less than that. but i'm going through another adjustment phase, so bear with me.
normally i'd post, post after post of the details in really ambiguous, angsty, emo-esque ways, but i really don't think i'm going to this time.
in my attempts at being more open and trustworthy, more accepting and forward, i'm detracting and pulling back in several ways.
i'm 'partitioning' off certain ingrained and deeply rooted reactions.
i never knew any other way.
bear with me.
or is it bare with me? i don't know.
again, the summer heralds in both a learning and growing experience.
i thought i could get away this time.
it's all grey though. it's not black and white like before. there isn't that one reason why i should abandon everything for the sake of saving myself from pain.
chase, you won't believe this but i think you're a profit. lol
"faith is coming back... in a big way"
the last couple of days, those have been the words i've kept going back to.
i've never had faith in any aspect of my life. i've had blind hope. well, perhaps that's the same thing.
but i've abandoned those notions in the last couple of years, for the sake of being naive and ignorant to the reality of life.
hm.
let it be known, that emily toth is going to believe in faith just this once.
just this once.