First Reception Down, One More to Go!
Tonight my cousin Jeffery and his fiancee Kelli were married in the Mt. Timpanogos temple and their reception was held later on. My parents went to the wedding while I stayed with the kids at home, and then they came home and eventually we all made it over to Aunt Cathy's for visiting and food etc. I saw Uncle Kevin (who I don't even remember meeting before in my life except for Janell's wedding a year or two ago) and the usual- Grandma Lund, Uncle Rick and Aunt Nancy, of course Uncle David and Aunt Carol etc. I also met Alicia and her husband. Didn't talk to anyone much one on one because I was busy dealing with the kids and getting them ready for the reception and all of that but it was nice to see everyone and hear the various conversations. The older I get the more I get to know and honestly LIKE my mom's side of the family. I've never disliked them but it's just now that I'm realizing how lucky I am to be related to good people that I like instead of having an extended family that I can't stand. The same goes for my dad's family. I realized a lot of this when we went on a family vacation to Reno this summer and saw both families but I never got around to updating about that. At least not yet. All of my mom's siblings were there except for Craig so it was a good sized family get together. Oh, and it was my Grandma's birthday! :-) Um...I can't believe it's only 11 something at night. It feels so much later. Anyway. We all REALLY like Kelli. She is very cute and sweet, she's funny, and very smart. She also seems to a naturally happy person and appears to bring out the best in Jeff. At least to me. During the cake cutting it was SO cute! These days, I think people just assume that there will be smashed cake, I do at least. Everyone does it. So it was kind of unexpected, not really a let down, but just noticeable to me that Jeffrey gave Kelli a bite and didn't smear it at all on her. Then he gives her the piece of cake to give him a bite, and everyone is expecting that she will follow suite. No. She does smash it. Then, after only a brief moment of surprise, Jeff grabs Kelli and kisses her for several seconds so that it smears on her too. Everybody was laughing and clapping. It was a nice reception, nothing fancy but a lot of people just mingling, talking, and having fun. The food was delicious too. They also danced to an instrumental version of Shania Twain's "From This Moment" which is also the song Jeff used when proposing to her.
This summer, I've come to realize that I really like strawberries. But they have to be perfect. They need to be SUPER dark red (which means they are more ripe and therefore sweeter). If they aren't ripe enough they are disgusting. Then you can't just nibble at it. You need to take a REAL bite. If you do that you get this yummy tangy sweet juicy fruity burst of flavor. Mmmm...I want more now!
Anyway...I'm so ADD...I've only been to three receptions that I can truly remember. Four if you count Kerri and Adam's, which I don't really, I guess because it was SO last minute that it wasn't even planned out or anything. But they have all had good and bad. Janell's was beautifully decorated. She had a strong color theme of black, red, and white, and the gym at the church was done so beautifully with lights, and material, and linens and chairs that it didn't even LOOK like a church gym anymore. But there wasn't a LOT of family or people there. She had issues with her photographer and overall it seemed to be a high tension and high stress production and everybody was happy when it was just done and over with including her. She seemed more excited for the part AFTER the wedding anyway. It also seemed very rushed and last minute. But the theme and decorations were beautiful. Jennilee's wasn't as decorated, there were very minimal refreshments, but the dancing and the let loose and have some fun type of atmosphere was great. I liked that a lot of people were getting up to dance instead of just the typical wedding dances i.e. bride and groom, mother and son and father and daughter. It was more of a party. The downside was that I am, as Sierra says, a cheesy romantic and while I want there to be dancing at my wedding I want more romance and love themed songs rather than party hearty all night pop songs. I think part of what contributed to the dancing was the fact that the music was a dancing beat, the room was dark and there were strobe lights. Not sure if there's a way to make that work with my wedding ideas. Jeff's and Kelli's had good food. So did Janell's but theirs had more variety I think. Meats and sandwich stuff and dessert and drink. The company was also the best out of all of them. More family made it out and therefore there was more conversing and interaction and seeing old faces etc. It was just a very nice atmosphere. Not too loud to comfortably talk. Not stiff and formal but nice and respectable. There were kids running around and nobody seemed to mind much but it wasn't a crazy all out party. They also had very nice instrumental romantic music playing throughout the whole thing. It sounded like Kenny G or something. Again not much dancing though. I think in Jennilee's the music was loud, it was the focus, and so people knew to dance. In the other two it was more background. Is there a happy medium? Hm. Anyway.
Tomorrow we are going to hang out some more with whoever wants to at Aunt Cathy's and then are going to SLC for a double reception for two more of my cousins who were married not too long ago.
Something I did think about tonight though. Uncle Wayne was asking what I was doing and if it was a case of "can't quite get the kid to leave" or something. Not maliciously but just curious it seemed. While I love family gatherings I do always hate the inevitable conversations about "So, what are you up to?" and having to explain that I "watch kids" during the day and then get the other inevitable "So what's next?" And feeling as though I have to have a picture perfect answer ready when the honest answer is "I don't have a damn clue. I don't know what I want, what I'm looking for, what I'm TRULY interested in enough to do the work for, and at this point I feel so overwhelmed with everything about my life and not knowing and being disorganized and not having a plan and just being mentally chaotic that I don't even have an interest in thinking past that right now. I'm just trying to get my life in order in ALL ways and figure it all out." Then of course the "So are you dating anybody?" Ugh. Of course my mom jumped in with "No, she refuses. We would LOVE for her to attend a singles ward but she just goes to the YSA class in our ward." Okay that's a separate issue altogether. Back to the previous issue. It's not their fault, like I said, I LOVE the family. These are normal, curious questions. It's me with the problem. That's what I realized. If I'm embarrassed about what I have to say, or how it's going to appear to others, or if I do not have and can not find the conviction and courage in my decisions to truly defend them then maybe I need to reconsider those decisions. I either need to OWN them and grow a pair and say "This is what I am doing and why" or start making decisions that I can be proud of and willing to defend to my family. If I feel anxious about those conversations maybe there is a real reason why. Then on the way home we were listening to Frank Sinatra "My Way" and I heard the line "I took the blows, and did it my way." It just reinforced it and also gave me another issue to consider. There is nothing wrong with taking an alternate route rather than the picture perfect proven path. Say that ten times fast lol! People are allowed to be unique and find what works for them. However you need to be willing to take any blows for your choices whether they are true consequences, feeling judged in a negative way, verbal criticism etc. If I feel that getting my life in order and all of that is just doing it my way and I think that mentally that is what is best for me that's okay. That's between me, my parents, and God. But I need to man (woman) up and be willing to take any blows for that. Eventually time will tell them that it was what I needed and what worked out for myself and my immediate family. And this is whether I defend them or not. Sometimes I just don't feel comfortable explaining my whole side so it's easier to listen to the spiel than to defend my actions. Sometime the spiel is even worth listening too because they might give you an idea or something. And again, nothing coming from my mom's family has seemed in any way harsh or negative. Curious and then maybe wondering why I'm NOT doing other stuff but not truly negative or snooby "Well you should be..." kind of attitudes. At least not that they make known to me. But the point is is that if I feel I am doing what is best for me and/or my immediate family and this is what I want and what will help me then I should be willing to take any blows I get for it and relatively speaking, just shrug them off and keep going, knowing that time will justify me. And I should feel okay with that and with whatever comes my way. If the blows do really sting though it's like I said above. It's MY problem. If I don't want to hear the blows and don't feel comfortable taking them it goes back to the whole maybe I need to reconsider what I am doing and how I REALLY feel about it thing. If that is the case maybe I'm not just doing it "my way" but perhaps a wrong way. Just some things to think about. Anyway. Either do it your way and be willing to take any blows for it and know that time will justify you if it was for the best whether you verbally defend it or not or if you can't handle the blows maybe there's a reason you don't want to.
The other thing...about the dating. Here it is. This is what's really going on and what I wanted to say when my mom jumped in but I'm not good with the whole defense and confrontation thing. First, we have been told that if a single adult lives at home they SHOULD attend the family ward instead of a single's ward. So I am doing that. Second, we have a really good YSA group in our ward and I do love going to it. Third, several months or a year ago, my mom were begging me to just get involved with YSA. Now that I am she's upped the ante to a SINGLE'S ward. I'm starting to feel as though she wants to just put me up on an auction block and have a bidding for me. Lastly...It is NOT that I refuse. I did for a while but a few things have softened my stance within the last year or less. Now I just refuse to date HER way. I'm not desperate and I don't WANT to be. Being desperate for love, attention, and dating is one of my biggest mistakes in my past or what has led me to those mistakes. If a guy, whom I was in some way attracted to, approached me and wanted to date me, I would be open to it. But I don't want to be set up or run around pursuing anyone that seems available and nice. I want to be approached by THEM. Call it low self esteem and criticize me for it or whatever. This is something that I AM willing to take blows for. I want to know that I am going out with a guy because he WANTS to go out with me. Not out of pity or wrong expectations or something. I want him to know what he is getting and want me anyway. I'm still not ready to jump into marriage anytime soon but if I met a guy who did honestly like me, knew what he was getting and still was interested, without him being coerced or persuaded or begged by my family etc. AND whom I felt SOME kind of attraction to I would give him an honest shot and would want to at the very least get to know him and see what was there. And we would take it from there and see what happened and where time and emotions would lead us. Maybe I would change my mind about the marriage thing. I don't know. Love can make persuade you to do some things you never thought you would. But I am not just an old maid who needs the first guy to come along who will take me. I am a woman that wants and needs REAL and honest acceptance, friendship, companionship, and love. I've never dated or loved the right way and I want to. I can make a completely clean start if and when I meet somebody who is interested. I don't want it to be desperation, or lust, or loneliness, or comfort driving us to be together. I want it to be real and natural and pure and honest. One of the things that DOES make me want to keep refusing it though even if it did come along is my mom and family's attitude on it. As though at my age, I'm nothing without wanting to actively seek a man. Overreacting if I look twice at a guy. Pushing me to date. I would be mortified to even have a guy as a friend knowing the kinds of questions that would come our way two seconds after I said hi if my family knew about it...let alone having him come over to meet them or hang out. Ugh. Then again I can always hope for what Shannon suggested ;-) I don't know if I would let their faults keep me from a guy if I was really interested and he was interested in me but it is the biggest thing that would. Call it a pride thing - whatever. And then Wayne was talking about how many good couples have come from blind dates. That's even something I would consider but I don't know if my family or whoever would be setting it up would give him a fair expectation of me and like I said, I don't want false expectations for him or for I. Anyway. So that is where I stand on dating. Not rushing to marriage. Would be interested if slow, real, honest, sincere and a natural connection and development.
This summer, I've come to realize that I really like strawberries. But they have to be perfect. They need to be SUPER dark red (which means they are more ripe and therefore sweeter). If they aren't ripe enough they are disgusting. Then you can't just nibble at it. You need to take a REAL bite. If you do that you get this yummy tangy sweet juicy fruity burst of flavor. Mmmm...I want more now!
Anyway...I'm so ADD...I've only been to three receptions that I can truly remember. Four if you count Kerri and Adam's, which I don't really, I guess because it was SO last minute that it wasn't even planned out or anything. But they have all had good and bad. Janell's was beautifully decorated. She had a strong color theme of black, red, and white, and the gym at the church was done so beautifully with lights, and material, and linens and chairs that it didn't even LOOK like a church gym anymore. But there wasn't a LOT of family or people there. She had issues with her photographer and overall it seemed to be a high tension and high stress production and everybody was happy when it was just done and over with including her. She seemed more excited for the part AFTER the wedding anyway. It also seemed very rushed and last minute. But the theme and decorations were beautiful. Jennilee's wasn't as decorated, there were very minimal refreshments, but the dancing and the let loose and have some fun type of atmosphere was great. I liked that a lot of people were getting up to dance instead of just the typical wedding dances i.e. bride and groom, mother and son and father and daughter. It was more of a party. The downside was that I am, as Sierra says, a cheesy romantic and while I want there to be dancing at my wedding I want more romance and love themed songs rather than party hearty all night pop songs. I think part of what contributed to the dancing was the fact that the music was a dancing beat, the room was dark and there were strobe lights. Not sure if there's a way to make that work with my wedding ideas. Jeff's and Kelli's had good food. So did Janell's but theirs had more variety I think. Meats and sandwich stuff and dessert and drink. The company was also the best out of all of them. More family made it out and therefore there was more conversing and interaction and seeing old faces etc. It was just a very nice atmosphere. Not too loud to comfortably talk. Not stiff and formal but nice and respectable. There were kids running around and nobody seemed to mind much but it wasn't a crazy all out party. They also had very nice instrumental romantic music playing throughout the whole thing. It sounded like Kenny G or something. Again not much dancing though. I think in Jennilee's the music was loud, it was the focus, and so people knew to dance. In the other two it was more background. Is there a happy medium? Hm. Anyway.
Tomorrow we are going to hang out some more with whoever wants to at Aunt Cathy's and then are going to SLC for a double reception for two more of my cousins who were married not too long ago.
Something I did think about tonight though. Uncle Wayne was asking what I was doing and if it was a case of "can't quite get the kid to leave" or something. Not maliciously but just curious it seemed. While I love family gatherings I do always hate the inevitable conversations about "So, what are you up to?" and having to explain that I "watch kids" during the day and then get the other inevitable "So what's next?" And feeling as though I have to have a picture perfect answer ready when the honest answer is "I don't have a damn clue. I don't know what I want, what I'm looking for, what I'm TRULY interested in enough to do the work for, and at this point I feel so overwhelmed with everything about my life and not knowing and being disorganized and not having a plan and just being mentally chaotic that I don't even have an interest in thinking past that right now. I'm just trying to get my life in order in ALL ways and figure it all out." Then of course the "So are you dating anybody?" Ugh. Of course my mom jumped in with "No, she refuses. We would LOVE for her to attend a singles ward but she just goes to the YSA class in our ward." Okay that's a separate issue altogether. Back to the previous issue. It's not their fault, like I said, I LOVE the family. These are normal, curious questions. It's me with the problem. That's what I realized. If I'm embarrassed about what I have to say, or how it's going to appear to others, or if I do not have and can not find the conviction and courage in my decisions to truly defend them then maybe I need to reconsider those decisions. I either need to OWN them and grow a pair and say "This is what I am doing and why" or start making decisions that I can be proud of and willing to defend to my family. If I feel anxious about those conversations maybe there is a real reason why. Then on the way home we were listening to Frank Sinatra "My Way" and I heard the line "I took the blows, and did it my way." It just reinforced it and also gave me another issue to consider. There is nothing wrong with taking an alternate route rather than the picture perfect proven path. Say that ten times fast lol! People are allowed to be unique and find what works for them. However you need to be willing to take any blows for your choices whether they are true consequences, feeling judged in a negative way, verbal criticism etc. If I feel that getting my life in order and all of that is just doing it my way and I think that mentally that is what is best for me that's okay. That's between me, my parents, and God. But I need to man (woman) up and be willing to take any blows for that. Eventually time will tell them that it was what I needed and what worked out for myself and my immediate family. And this is whether I defend them or not. Sometimes I just don't feel comfortable explaining my whole side so it's easier to listen to the spiel than to defend my actions. Sometime the spiel is even worth listening too because they might give you an idea or something. And again, nothing coming from my mom's family has seemed in any way harsh or negative. Curious and then maybe wondering why I'm NOT doing other stuff but not truly negative or snooby "Well you should be..." kind of attitudes. At least not that they make known to me. But the point is is that if I feel I am doing what is best for me and/or my immediate family and this is what I want and what will help me then I should be willing to take any blows I get for it and relatively speaking, just shrug them off and keep going, knowing that time will justify me. And I should feel okay with that and with whatever comes my way. If the blows do really sting though it's like I said above. It's MY problem. If I don't want to hear the blows and don't feel comfortable taking them it goes back to the whole maybe I need to reconsider what I am doing and how I REALLY feel about it thing. If that is the case maybe I'm not just doing it "my way" but perhaps a wrong way. Just some things to think about. Anyway. Either do it your way and be willing to take any blows for it and know that time will justify you if it was for the best whether you verbally defend it or not or if you can't handle the blows maybe there's a reason you don't want to.
The other thing...about the dating. Here it is. This is what's really going on and what I wanted to say when my mom jumped in but I'm not good with the whole defense and confrontation thing. First, we have been told that if a single adult lives at home they SHOULD attend the family ward instead of a single's ward. So I am doing that. Second, we have a really good YSA group in our ward and I do love going to it. Third, several months or a year ago, my mom were begging me to just get involved with YSA. Now that I am she's upped the ante to a SINGLE'S ward. I'm starting to feel as though she wants to just put me up on an auction block and have a bidding for me. Lastly...It is NOT that I refuse. I did for a while but a few things have softened my stance within the last year or less. Now I just refuse to date HER way. I'm not desperate and I don't WANT to be. Being desperate for love, attention, and dating is one of my biggest mistakes in my past or what has led me to those mistakes. If a guy, whom I was in some way attracted to, approached me and wanted to date me, I would be open to it. But I don't want to be set up or run around pursuing anyone that seems available and nice. I want to be approached by THEM. Call it low self esteem and criticize me for it or whatever. This is something that I AM willing to take blows for. I want to know that I am going out with a guy because he WANTS to go out with me. Not out of pity or wrong expectations or something. I want him to know what he is getting and want me anyway. I'm still not ready to jump into marriage anytime soon but if I met a guy who did honestly like me, knew what he was getting and still was interested, without him being coerced or persuaded or begged by my family etc. AND whom I felt SOME kind of attraction to I would give him an honest shot and would want to at the very least get to know him and see what was there. And we would take it from there and see what happened and where time and emotions would lead us. Maybe I would change my mind about the marriage thing. I don't know. Love can make persuade you to do some things you never thought you would. But I am not just an old maid who needs the first guy to come along who will take me. I am a woman that wants and needs REAL and honest acceptance, friendship, companionship, and love. I've never dated or loved the right way and I want to. I can make a completely clean start if and when I meet somebody who is interested. I don't want it to be desperation, or lust, or loneliness, or comfort driving us to be together. I want it to be real and natural and pure and honest. One of the things that DOES make me want to keep refusing it though even if it did come along is my mom and family's attitude on it. As though at my age, I'm nothing without wanting to actively seek a man. Overreacting if I look twice at a guy. Pushing me to date. I would be mortified to even have a guy as a friend knowing the kinds of questions that would come our way two seconds after I said hi if my family knew about it...let alone having him come over to meet them or hang out. Ugh. Then again I can always hope for what Shannon suggested ;-) I don't know if I would let their faults keep me from a guy if I was really interested and he was interested in me but it is the biggest thing that would. Call it a pride thing - whatever. And then Wayne was talking about how many good couples have come from blind dates. That's even something I would consider but I don't know if my family or whoever would be setting it up would give him a fair expectation of me and like I said, I don't want false expectations for him or for I. Anyway. So that is where I stand on dating. Not rushing to marriage. Would be interested if slow, real, honest, sincere and a natural connection and development.