Joe and His Relationships
Lately I’ve been thinking about Joe. Not like "oh I miss him" but more like "why is it that he loves romance and relationships so much yet barely seemed phased when Becca, his so-called ideal girl, one he actually managed to have an EIGHT month relationship with, broke up with him?" He didn't mourn, didn't cry, didn't act depressed...just very matter of fact and then moved on to the next girl, Katie, and then to the next one after that, Sadie. And then I thought this. I think that Joe- while he loves being in love and having a girlfriend- has never truly let his guard down with love. At least not since AZ when he truly did cry and act depressed over losing me. I think that since then or at least in recent history i.e. 5 or so years he became so afraid of heartbreak and rejection that he simply won't allow it. Even if or when he does have feelings for someone I think that once it's over or once he feels it may be heading that way he emotionally begins pulling out even if his actions say otherwise. Or maybe he just never really allows himself to fall in the first place...at least not all the way. "Love is only as deep as the risks you take for it." I don't think he is willing to truly let his guard down and fall completely and totally in love with a girl. Maybe just with the relationship they're in. I think that's why he's able to move on so quickly with hardly a second thought. Maybe he's just a guy and that's how they all act. And yes, that was all just me, my personal thoughts and opinions, and I could be way off base.
Then tonight I read his blog and I saw this- “Crystal told me...that she had a new boyfriend (just two weeks after breaking up with me). Again this is not what pissed me off. She then told me he was a Marine (which I was fine with). She then said the kicker, a Marine who was about to deploy to Iraq. That is when I lost it. She broke up with me because she could not handle the fact that we never get to really see each other. Which I understand that, and that is why I was not upset about the breakup, just wish I could have done something about it (don't anymore, glad it happened now but pissed at this shit). She apparently also told Crystal that she was still planning on staying with him and waiting on him while he was in Iraq. All I could say was bullshit, she will get bored and then write him a letter and tell him she cannot handle it anymore and leave his ass. Well this Marine I guess was a smart Marine because he broke up with her ass first, because they would not get to see each other in a very long time.”
I couldn't help but feel...I guess satisfied...that he finally had SOME emotion about a break up. That he was finally allowing himself to feel it. I also felt a sick and twisted satisfaction to hear him say that it pissed him off that she broke up with him due to a lack of seeing each other but then wanted to date a Marine who would be deployed. Isn't that why the fuck I got SO pissed off at Joe?! He told me that he didn't want a girlfriend and wasn't ready for one yet a couple of weeks later asked Becca out. In all honesty I felt like "HA HA HA! Now you know how I felt!!!" Anyway...
Maybe all of this will change with Sadie now though. He says that for the first time he feels free enough to say or do anything without fear and worrying about how others will feel or if he'll get hurt. So maybe for once he'll truly let himself fall and either find an honest and lasting happy ever after or be rejected and learn what true heartbreak is...but also that eventually you learn from it, move on, and find better, but that SOME grief or mourning afterwards is simply part of truly knowing love. The other thing about Sadie though is that he also said that he's been waiting to say these things to her for four years and that he's had a crush on her for that long although it was buried at times. Okay...I'm still a bit pissed at that because he said the exact same fucking thing about me AND Becca! That he "always" loved me and just "buried" it and that he had liked Becca since he met her but never acted on it i.e. buried it because he didn't think that she would date him because he wasn't Mormon. Now that me and Becca didn't work out he's moving on to Sadie. What happens when this "buried" crush doesn't work out? Does he have more "buried" loves in his mind that he can go to? Will he actually have to meet somebody new and give them a shot? Is it back to backup Ericka...well hell no cause I'm done with that shit. But yeah. It bugs me because apparently while dating each one of us he had at least one or two others' "buried" in his heart or mind and now he's at the end of his back up options. And it will be interesting to see where he goes from here if this one falls through as well.
Oh and one last thought about Joe. I was talking to Shannon one day and I told her "I think that Joe's problem in relationships is this. I've heard love compared to a fire. Bright and blazing at first and then it dies down to the embers which are more long lasting but not as intense. He seems to like relationships in the beginning when it's intense and passionate and new and exciting. Where the trouble seems to come in is when that phase dies down to a more ember like one of comfort, friendship, steady but not intense etc."
Just a thought.
Then tonight I read his blog and I saw this- “Crystal told me...that she had a new boyfriend (just two weeks after breaking up with me). Again this is not what pissed me off. She then told me he was a Marine (which I was fine with). She then said the kicker, a Marine who was about to deploy to Iraq. That is when I lost it. She broke up with me because she could not handle the fact that we never get to really see each other. Which I understand that, and that is why I was not upset about the breakup, just wish I could have done something about it (don't anymore, glad it happened now but pissed at this shit). She apparently also told Crystal that she was still planning on staying with him and waiting on him while he was in Iraq. All I could say was bullshit, she will get bored and then write him a letter and tell him she cannot handle it anymore and leave his ass. Well this Marine I guess was a smart Marine because he broke up with her ass first, because they would not get to see each other in a very long time.”
I couldn't help but feel...I guess satisfied...that he finally had SOME emotion about a break up. That he was finally allowing himself to feel it. I also felt a sick and twisted satisfaction to hear him say that it pissed him off that she broke up with him due to a lack of seeing each other but then wanted to date a Marine who would be deployed. Isn't that why the fuck I got SO pissed off at Joe?! He told me that he didn't want a girlfriend and wasn't ready for one yet a couple of weeks later asked Becca out. In all honesty I felt like "HA HA HA! Now you know how I felt!!!" Anyway...
Maybe all of this will change with Sadie now though. He says that for the first time he feels free enough to say or do anything without fear and worrying about how others will feel or if he'll get hurt. So maybe for once he'll truly let himself fall and either find an honest and lasting happy ever after or be rejected and learn what true heartbreak is...but also that eventually you learn from it, move on, and find better, but that SOME grief or mourning afterwards is simply part of truly knowing love. The other thing about Sadie though is that he also said that he's been waiting to say these things to her for four years and that he's had a crush on her for that long although it was buried at times. Okay...I'm still a bit pissed at that because he said the exact same fucking thing about me AND Becca! That he "always" loved me and just "buried" it and that he had liked Becca since he met her but never acted on it i.e. buried it because he didn't think that she would date him because he wasn't Mormon. Now that me and Becca didn't work out he's moving on to Sadie. What happens when this "buried" crush doesn't work out? Does he have more "buried" loves in his mind that he can go to? Will he actually have to meet somebody new and give them a shot? Is it back to backup Ericka...well hell no cause I'm done with that shit. But yeah. It bugs me because apparently while dating each one of us he had at least one or two others' "buried" in his heart or mind and now he's at the end of his back up options. And it will be interesting to see where he goes from here if this one falls through as well.
Oh and one last thought about Joe. I was talking to Shannon one day and I told her "I think that Joe's problem in relationships is this. I've heard love compared to a fire. Bright and blazing at first and then it dies down to the embers which are more long lasting but not as intense. He seems to like relationships in the beginning when it's intense and passionate and new and exciting. Where the trouble seems to come in is when that phase dies down to a more ember like one of comfort, friendship, steady but not intense etc."
Just a thought.