(no subject)
I know I haven't written here in a long time. I honestly didn't think I'd ever use this again, but it seems to work well when I need someone to talk to.
I knew that moving here and being with Scott wouldn't be easy, I never expected that. But apparently he thought it'd be a piece of cake for both of us. I've had a lot to be stressed about...no full time job, worrying about whether all the money I saved up will last me until I can find one, worrying about whether he will resent me for being too reliant on him in the meantime, not having any friends or anyone other than him I can talk to, and most of all I have this exam that's been looming over my head. I paid a lot of money just to take it, bought expensive books to study by, and if I don't pass it I won't be able to get a hospital job. Which is a big disappointment because that's what I really wanted to do, but I could settle working as a physician coder for a while. It's just that if I wanted to take it again I'd have to pay all over again, buy another set of books b/c they change them every year...ugh. I think I'll do ok, it's just that nagging fear of being a huge failure that I don't tend to deal with very well.
Anyway...I've been down lately and missing friends, missing anyone I can have any sort of connection with. That's made it hard for me to be happy around him, which is making him think I've changed or don't want him anymore. Every time I try to explain all of this he thinks it has something to do with him. He doesn't understand why just having him in my life isn't enough, why I would miss having friends. He just says "What, am I not your friend? Am I not enough?". Well, yeah...but he can't be the only person in my life that I ever speak to and for the last couple of weeks that's mostly been the case. I feel lost, like I don't have an identity anymore. I feel like I've become a completely boring person...all I've done for the last few months is study coding and work. The weekends I came down to visit Scott were my only break from that. In the meantime, I was so busy working weekends and studying and coming down here that I lost touch with all of my friends. Even months before I moved no one ever bothered to get up with me or invite me out anymore. I've only hung out with any of them twice since December. And no, I'm not trying to bitch or throw a pity party, that shit's lame. I know I could have made more of an effort to keep in touch with people so the blame's on me too. Matt used to call me every other week or so and invite me out but I was always either working or in Gainesville so I'm sure that had a lot to do with it.
It's always hard being in a new place and having to start over, having to meet new people which I'm REALLY not good at...anyone who knows me is pretty well aware of this. I'm trying though and I've had a really good time whenever we've gone out or hung out with some of his friends. I just need some time to adjust, to get some roots set here. In the meantime, I need to stop stressing and letting all of this shit bother me so much. I can't let this ruin things for me and Scott. I just want to go back to being the person I was before, when I was confident and didn't let little things like this get to me.
I knew that moving here and being with Scott wouldn't be easy, I never expected that. But apparently he thought it'd be a piece of cake for both of us. I've had a lot to be stressed about...no full time job, worrying about whether all the money I saved up will last me until I can find one, worrying about whether he will resent me for being too reliant on him in the meantime, not having any friends or anyone other than him I can talk to, and most of all I have this exam that's been looming over my head. I paid a lot of money just to take it, bought expensive books to study by, and if I don't pass it I won't be able to get a hospital job. Which is a big disappointment because that's what I really wanted to do, but I could settle working as a physician coder for a while. It's just that if I wanted to take it again I'd have to pay all over again, buy another set of books b/c they change them every year...ugh. I think I'll do ok, it's just that nagging fear of being a huge failure that I don't tend to deal with very well.
Anyway...I've been down lately and missing friends, missing anyone I can have any sort of connection with. That's made it hard for me to be happy around him, which is making him think I've changed or don't want him anymore. Every time I try to explain all of this he thinks it has something to do with him. He doesn't understand why just having him in my life isn't enough, why I would miss having friends. He just says "What, am I not your friend? Am I not enough?". Well, yeah...but he can't be the only person in my life that I ever speak to and for the last couple of weeks that's mostly been the case. I feel lost, like I don't have an identity anymore. I feel like I've become a completely boring person...all I've done for the last few months is study coding and work. The weekends I came down to visit Scott were my only break from that. In the meantime, I was so busy working weekends and studying and coming down here that I lost touch with all of my friends. Even months before I moved no one ever bothered to get up with me or invite me out anymore. I've only hung out with any of them twice since December. And no, I'm not trying to bitch or throw a pity party, that shit's lame. I know I could have made more of an effort to keep in touch with people so the blame's on me too. Matt used to call me every other week or so and invite me out but I was always either working or in Gainesville so I'm sure that had a lot to do with it.
It's always hard being in a new place and having to start over, having to meet new people which I'm REALLY not good at...anyone who knows me is pretty well aware of this. I'm trying though and I've had a really good time whenever we've gone out or hung out with some of his friends. I just need some time to adjust, to get some roots set here. In the meantime, I need to stop stressing and letting all of this shit bother me so much. I can't let this ruin things for me and Scott. I just want to go back to being the person I was before, when I was confident and didn't let little things like this get to me.