Fic: In the Beginning

[to_shiki]

Title In the Beginning
Author To-Shiki
Rating R
Pairing Steve/Gail, future Steve/Tony
Word Count 8,573
Beta

Comments

As you have it now...

[jazzypom]

There's a lot of text for the reader to get through - a fair bit of narrative and paraphrasing. As a result, your story reads as very distant, as if trying to look through a window smeared with mud and oil. Normally the rule of thumb re: narrative and dialogue is for every two paragraphs of narrative, you try to break it up with dialogue. For this bit of fic, we don't really get the characters speaking until *reads* after forty two sections of narrative. That is too long. Most readers tend to backspace within the first three paragraphs if they don't get a sense of characters or things happening.

Try and have more dialogue.

Re: As you have it now...

[to_shiki]

There will be more dialogue. I was trying to get the backstory for Cap, Bucky, and Tony out. That's why the dialogue was gradually added in. Although now that I look at it its almost like reading a textbook. Maybe I shouldn't do homework inbetween breaks in writing >_

Well ... you could have used dialogue

[jazzypom]

To get in some history and background? Like conversations between Steve and Tony, or Steve and Gail, or Steve and Bucky or even Steve and Fury? The thing is, unlike your tutors, your potential readers aren't obligated to click on, much less to battle through a blizzard of narrative in terms of reading your work, so you should try to make it a bit easier for them, at least?

Another thing, have you read The Ultimates trades or comics at all? Because you have the characters (when they manage to speak or act) exceedingly OOC to the point where - you might as well be writing original fiction and say that you're doing this as a bit of a prank, because on many levels, your plot doesn't make a lick of sense and I don't recognise the characters at all.

Re: Well ... you could have used dialogue

[to_shiki]

I'm curious about the Ultimates comment...This isn't Ultimates at all. This is all based off of another fic I wrote that's completely AU. With the changes I gave them yes it'll make them appear OOC to the canon.

Well, with an AU

[jazzypom]

It posits that the circumstances will be different, but the characters and their innate qualities would be similar enough for a reader to go, "Oh, that's the Ultimates Steve I know," or, "Ah, yeah, nice to know that Tony in any universe is still Tony."

You have Steve/Gail (Ultimates characters) and Steve/Tony - so I assume that you're at least giving a nod to the characterisations in the verse. You can see where I'd have come to that (wrong) conclusion, no?? So then if this fic isn't a nod to any Ultimates characterisation or universe, it's just a falsehood, and shouldn't be posted.

So, you shouldn't really label it as Ultimates fic if you aren't going to acknowledge that there is some sort of Tony and Steveness (in terms of their characterisations ) in some ways. As it is, now, you could consider this entry an elaborate ruse, or a cosmic joke where one waits to hear the punch line.

Cool story bro, and all that.

Re: Well, with an AU

[to_shiki]

I didn't label it as Ultimates at all.

Other than that, thanks! ^_^

You don't get it, do you?

[jazzypom]

If you have Steve/Gail - from Ultimates verse, people (such as myself) are going to assume that it's an Ultimates fic, and then click. What you're doing here, by putting names is basically advertising that you're writing Ultimates fic. So, when I click on it, and see that it's OOC - not related to the characters at all. So as it is, you're basically not writing fanfic, but original fic, and if that's the case, don't post it to the comm, keep it to your LJ.

On fanfic. net, they'd basically call you on the carpet for what you've done here. It's original fic masking as fanfic and as such, not related to the comm.