Heaven's Grace
One o’clock. Dark shadows illuminate the fluorescent odors in the room. Not my room. My room has…vanished. I dream about it every night. Black peels surround me while luminescent stars dance over the ceiling. That sense of home is gone. Warmth, oh how I miss the warmth of the sun on my face. The warmth on a fall widowed day when he smiles at me. It’s cold here. So very cold. My breath fogs in front of me every time I inhale, reminding me where I am. My own personal hell. I’d like to say I created it for myself. Threw myself into the dungeon of night and locked away the key itself. No. They came for me. Like they always promised they would. I should have believed the malicious words.
He cries every night. I can hear the wails as I sit in the middle of my cobblestone bed. I think he’s sorry… I fall for it every time. But then he comes, again and again. Sharp grey eyes pierce through my soul and I swear he can see my heart steadily racing inside my chest. I’d like to tell you I’m afraid. That the very touch of his hand against my skin makes me cringe, but I want it. I want it so bad it burns. Deep inside my body, it aches without him. Only he can calm the growing quake inside me. Simply thinking about his touch forces me to tremble. Every night he saves me. He saves me from myself, from the cruelty of who we are. Humans. He doesn’t ask, doesn’t argue, he just acts. Taking me away to places I’ve never seen, never dreamed about seeing. Heights of pleasure I’ve never even experienced before. Around him, I know I’m nothing more then myself. Yet, he doesn’t even know. My heart shreds when I see him with her. Touching her, kissing her, grazing her hair behind her ear. I was locked away before I even had a chance to live. In my dreams does he only ever visit me.
In my dreams I can see the stars again. He touches my hand and for the first time, I smile. And when he kisses me, my heart feels like its about to rip out of me its beating so fast. My heart races, my blood boils as I beg him, plead for him to touch me. Anywhere. And he does. Everywhere. He touches me the way no one ever has, the way no one ever will. Sweet caresses against my cheek, fluttering fingers lingering over my neck. The heat rises and my skin warms intensely. I want to touch him but he refuses to let me. He enjoys teasing me. In my dreams he makes love to me under the stars. Pushing inside me as far as he can manage, before resting there. I never want him to leave. So warm, safe and loved.
And he’s gone. Just like that. I’m back inside my hell, alone. Normally, I’d be more then happy to live in a place like this. Where the pain no longer exists. The sky melts together forming the everlasting peace. The sun, well the sun doesn’t seem to appear, but you know it’s there, yet it creates no warmth. Sadness, it doesn’t happen, because there’s nothing to be sad about. I-I used to think this was where I wanted to be, but not now. Not…not now. I just want to be with him. I don’t want to watch him with her. It hurts. Never in my wildest dreams had I ever imagined him with her. They were so…different. Yet, there they were and I was watching them with my own eyes.
Of course, they didn’t know I was watching them. Didn’t know my heart was breaking whenever she’d touch his hand so lightly, it almost looked as if she hadn’t really touched him at all. Soft gestures brought a smile to his lips. Why hadn’t he ever smiled at me like that? Why…why couldn’t he love me? I did everything for him, yet I still wasn’t enough. If tears existed in this place, I would cry, but I can’t.
I don’t even notice I’m lost until She’s standing behind me. Her presence boils over my senses, forcing my eyes in Her direction, quickly standing up in front of Her. Already, I could see the disapproving look crossing over her brown orbs. What? I find myself asking. I hadn’t done anything wrong. Why was She looking at me like that? Without saying a word, realizing, she hadn’t even spoken a word since I’d gotten here, her hand lifted behind me, where I had been looking. My eyes follow her hand after a brief moment of hesitation.
You see, time passes by differently here then it does on Earth. It’s slower here. Five minutes could pass here, while three days could pass on Earth. Sometimes, it was hard to keep up with everyone you wanted to look out on. I never really bothered to check on anyone else but him, as selfish as it sounds. Looking down, I see him. And this time, he’s not with her. For once. It brings a slow smile to my lips, until I catch sight of where he is.
A cemetery. The rain falls down around him, beating against his already pale skin, his lips quivering. My lips curve downwards, the instant frown crossing my lips. What is he looking at? Almost frantically, I kneel against the…bed once more, my hands braced in front of me. I want to yell, to scream, but no sounds leave my lips. Why does he look so…broken? As I did minutes before, he falls to his knees, the tombstone taking its place in front of him. It wasn’t until I watched his trembling fingers trace over the engraved letters that I even realized that it was me he was broken for.
Kneeling in front of my tombstone, crying over my grave, I watched his shoulders heave as he fell forward. I shake my head, the non-existent tears stinging my eyes. Beads of rain continue to fall down around him, burying him against the soft matted ground beneath him. For a moment I think he’s clawing at the dirt. And when I watch his eyes look in my direction, up towards the sky, his eyes locking with mine, what’s left of my heart crumbles. He doesn’t know he’s looking at me, but I can see him clear as day. And those beautiful, gray eyes pierced with pain. He’s saying something, but I can’t hear him, yet his face, his eyes, his body…they say it all.
He hurts. All because of me, he hurts. No. Don’t cry for me. Please, don’t cry for me. The whisper leaves my lips, knowing that the tears would be falling by now. But he’s still looking at me, through me, in me. He’s seeing me without really seeing me and only then do I begin to realize…that he does love me. He always has. And I was just too blind to see it.
In an instant she’s beside him, kneeling on the ground with him, his arms wrapping around his prone, trembling, cold form. He leans against her, responding immediately, his arms encircling her, pulling her towards him. Tighter. I wasn’t enough for him, because he didn’t need me. As much as he loved me, as much as I loved him, he didn’t need me. He had me. He always will. She brushes her delicate fingers through his hair, whispering soft words in his ear, soothing him as they kneel beside my grave.
A split second can change your life forever. Even as I watched the eight wheeler spinning in my direction, I never once thought I’d be the one lying peacefully down to rest. Even as I watched my life, my short twenty-one years pass before my eyes, I never believed I’d end up here. I was young and in love. Nothing could stop me. Nothing…but fate. And as I watch him hold her tighter to his body, burying himself against her, crying his soul out of his heart, I realize that this is my place. Watching over him. Over both of them.
Maybe one day, I’ll get my chance. But for now, I know he’ll be okay. I know he’ll be loved and in some ways, that’s all that really matters. In this life, it wasn’t my turn. Pulling away from the scene as the rain slowed its tirade, I turn back to Her. She’s smiling at me. Mom… I whisper in one breath before rushing forward, wrapping my arms around her surprisingly warm frame, burying my head against the scent of her neck. The familiar scent washes over me. Pulling me in. Calming my everlasting nerves. And for the first time since being here, I’m home. Her arms wrap around me, holding me close, soft soothing noises leaving her lips. I’m here, baby. I always have been. Her voice calms the ache inside me. Her sweet, melodic voice.
Tears begin to cascade from my eyes, down my cheeks. Falling in soft crystals at my feet. Our feet. In a place where I believed tears didn’t exist, I was actually quite wrong. Tears of pain, of sadness, of heartache…they didn’t exist. But tears of happiness, joy…love? Once or twice I’d doubted in the fact that she had ever really been there, because I didn’t know what else to believe. I couldn’t see her or touch her. How was I supposed to see differently? I clung so tightly to her, never wanting to let her go again. I missed her so much. I can’t even express in words how much I missed her. Each passing day was harder and harder to live through.
Every time I fell asleep at night, I’d pray that in the morning, when I woke up, it’d all be a dream. It’d be one big fantasy that I’d conjured up, simply for lack of imagination. But when my eyes opened to the harsh light of day, I realized… It wasn’t a dream. She was gone and I was alone. Maybe not completely, but that part of me was lost. Sometimes it even felt harder to breathe. A weight settled against my chest, forcing the air from my lungs each time I tried to inhale, exhale. I slowly began to accept that she was gone, but it just wasn’t enough. There was still that void inside me. In my soul that I never believed would be filled again.
Until now. Now, as her arms held me around my waist, the soft, familiar lullaby melody falling from her lips, I realize that she was always there. That I woke up in the morning, subconsciously knowing that she was there. I went to sleep at night knowing that she’d be in my dreams and once again, I’d be safe. And I wasn’t strong enough to believe in it, Her, or my own faith. I’m sorry. I feel her shake her head above me, the melody stopping on her lips.
Don’t be sorry, dear. You did what you thought was best. I’m proud of you. I always have been. Her words forced me to wrap my arms tighter around her. People had told me she was proud of me all the time. Always said she’d be happy with anything I did, but I refused to believe them. I refused to believe that I was good enough, that whatever I did would be okay. The night’s I spent telling myself it would be okay, crying myself to sleep… Even that didn’t seem to work. Nothing seemed to work until she told me. I had to hear it from her, even if I had to wait my entire life.
Death is a very frightening experience, for anyone involved. No one knows when they’re going to die, because in all reality, you start dying the day you’re born. Some go faster then others, while some…last longer. It’s not on account of who’s better or who deserves to live or die. It’s all because it happens for a reason. For now, I know that he’ll be okay without me, because he has her. He has them, all of them and he doesn’t really need me. He doesn’t need me. Just like I didn’t need her.