There's a million reasons why I cry
I feel frustrated again and I've finally realized why. Since Drew I haven't thought seriously about anyone. So for the past two years (wow thats sad), I have basically been with guys that I could never been serious about. I didn't want to feel that pain that I felt again. I was so much in love with him and sometimes I'm not sure if I will ever stop loving him. I've always thought that once you love someone, it wont go away. It may change but never fully go away. I don't miss him anymore. I miss what we had. The confort of it all. I felt so betrayed and so hurt. So for the past two years I've been looking for guys I could mess around with but never feel serious about, making sure they were never my type and making sure I kept my distance. However, that's changed. I've met someone I know I could be crazy about, but I've kept myself closed off. He frustrates me to no end. I know he's flirting and I want to perceive it as "I like you flirting," but I am skepticle. I'm not sure. I don't want to put myself out there to only get hurt. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of feeling lost again. It took me months to be a single entity again, to get off the couch, to listen to John Mayer and not cry. But I want to snuggle on the couch and watch movies while eating popcorn and talking and laughing. I want to lie in bed with him and listen to the rain. I want to laugh and hold hands and kiss in a movie theater. I want to take walks. I want to tease. I want to have sex until dawn. I want all of these things. But I let my fear of being rejected for the second time by him get in the way. I feel so afraid. Partly because I know I could fall for him. Harder than Drew. I think I already have. I'm afraid of that pain. He makes me laugh and is so cute in his nerdy way. His intelligence just amazes me and I could listen all day long even when I have no idea what he is talking about. But although part of me thinks he likes me too, I constantly feel rejected by him. I am afraid.