Failure to Launch

Jun 08, 2010 15:34

Yesterday, I worked a benefit concert with the cast of In The Heights and a couple of other guests. This means I got to meet a professional Equity cast and their Stage Manager.

I finally tasted what life is like as a professional. It turns out that it is the same as life as an amateur minus the day job. That is pretty much it. I used to believe that an Equity Stage Manager had to know absolutely EVERYTHING there is to know about theater and tech and various other random tidbits of info. Turns out the SM I worked with yesterday didn't know how to operate a spotlight. Never even had to touch one during her career.

So why do I always think I am never ready to be in Equity? Why do I always sell myself short? Why do people I work with always advise me against joining Equity as if it was some dangerous religious cult? Why are Equity Theaters in the Bay Area in ridiculous locations outside of SF? Why is it that when I did work with an Equity theater, they hesitated to give me points. Why am I not good enough for Equity? I have been doing theater for 15 years now, why can't I get to the next step?

I need to shed my amateur status and become a pro. It is time. I have spent years in uncertainty about my talents and skills only exhausting myself with having a day job to compensate for the lack of pay in non-professional theater. This is not a comfortable existence. I hate getting up in the morning and going to work and then going to rehearsal. I have had it. I don't know how many more years I can do this and still function. With the last show I did, I found people within an Equity company that gives their SM's the option to join. Why am I so afraid to pursue this?

I am so afraid to fail as an Equity Stage Manager, it seems, that I keep my distance from it as if staring at a beautiful piece of Art, afraid to even touch the frame.
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