Facing the dead.

[tngsquill]

Yesterday at 6.30 I received the phone call that my father had died. What followed for me was a complicated blend of emotions that I couldn't process right away. So, as there was a bar-b-que and party at our complex that night, I proceeded to imbibe to the point where I ended up face-down passed-out on my living room carpet

Comments

[moondaughter20]

"He died as tyrants often do, the horrible result of their actions."

This.

This might sound a bit harsh but just to balance out all that "he was a good man' crap you had to listen too:
Congratulations on the death of your tyrant father.

I hated my father with a passion. When I wished him dead as a young teen, I wished that will all my heart. When he died from chirrosis of the liver when I was 15, I cried for about 30 seconds because I thought "He was my FATHER!" and then I smiled. I smiled at his funeral. I went with my mom when she told his mother the news and was shocked that she was so distraught. I had to hide that smile.

And, yes, I did feel guilty, a bit, about wishing someone dead and seeing it come true. He knew how I felt. Shortly before he died he was being a shit to me as usual and then he pulled out a note from his doctor that read "If you have ONE more drink, you are a DEAD man." and waited to see my reaction. He knew I wanted to go get him that drink then and there. The night he died, hemorraging at home after indeed having that ONE drink, he made my brother lock me out of the house when I wanted to help him. He didn't want to give me the satisfaction of watching him die. But I would have helped. I would have done whatever I could to save him, because that's ME. In the end he traumatized my brother for life by making him deal ALONE with it, because my mom was out.

When my dad died, our lives, all of our lives changed. A dark dark cloud lifted. We could breath. We could laugh. We could relax.
THAT is the reason I wished him dead. He was crushing us all with his own pain.

And all these years later, with all I have found in my own journey, I do understand and have compassion for my dad and I do remember the good things he did for me, but I will never forget what his actions did to me, and I do not regret that awful wish I made that had to come true for us to live.

My dad used to return to me in dreams all the time, often menancing us all again. One day, about the same time that I finally faced my gender issues and accepted who I am, I screamed at him in a dream to "FUCKKK OFFFF!!!!" with all my heart and soul, and his visage faded from view and he has not been back since.

And the last few years I have worked on removing all that programming he left running in me - all the "you're so stupid" "you're no good" "you're doing it wrong" etc etc stuff, that I made to sound like my own voice.
It's been a lot of work to dig his crap out and remove it, but I'm finally hearing my own lovely self and learning to live and love life at last.

I hope you will keep an eye on those things which may be implanted deeply by your father. You may need to find them and seperate them from your own voice and root them out also. You'll find your own way of doing that.

Your father undoubtedly left a big dirty shadow. Tyrants always do. You owe itto yourself to scrub that off and build your own free life, inside and out. I wish you well in your journey sans tyrant, hon. ♥ and hugs