(no subject)
update time!!!
well, things wityh krystle are going great. so far its been a bloody dream come true. i don't know what gods' ass i kissed to be so lucky, but well, whoever you are, i owe ya one.
the last week or so has been busy but fun. i've ben taking photos slowly but surely. and i'll liekly put a bunch up on my msn space soemday. when i get to it. anyways, time for some
i sometimes wonder, why do i fear being emotional? why is it that i'm always so focused on being happy go lucky? why do i try to be such a great person i become a cranky old man? why do i have so much anger and angst in me?
the answers; because i don't vent. and right now i feel the need to vent, so here we go.
i fear death,. every death around me brings me closer to my own. i'm a young 20 year old. why shoudl i fear death? i'll live forever right? well, not the case. and it scares me. it scares me that i will someday die. it makes me sad that i can't say this. because i figure if i keep up enough of a front of peace i'll be fine on the inside. i hope to god i don't get teared up at valentines day. Matthew died last year on valentines day. i don't know if he killed himself or not, i'd rather think he didn't. but at the same time... he was just a kid..... bah, damned emotionalness.. i don't do this for a reason... bah memories...
anyways, i opened up to krystle a bit last night. didn't get everything off my chest, but some things. she thinks its because i don't trust her or something. its just that i'm uncomfortable talking about myself. i don't slide easily into the role of the talker. i don't like crying, but whenever i start to vent i feel like i want to. i have more important things to worry about than my own feelings and how my wanting to cry will affect others.... right? right.
remember, life is here for living, not fearing. death is a part of life, so therefore it shoudl not be feared. and yet i still feel choked up....
on another note.. i feel really pressued lately. i'll not say here what its from or about, but it is there as an undercurrent. i'll bitch about that later.