Lula's Word O' Wisdom
Okay, everyone who knows me knows that Janet Evanovich is my FAVORITE author and her books are to be worshipped and NOT burned at the corners! On her website (evanovich.com) she put a page of Lula's words o' wisdom. They are all Lula's quotes and out of context, to someone who has never read the books...well they might be a little strange. But to those of us who know and love the hooker-turned-horrible file clerk-and bounty hunter assistant (possibly the worst of both catagories) these quotes ARE Lula.
ON HOW TO GET YOUR MAN...
"I'll snatch the little f***er up by his gonads and squash him into the trunk of my car."
"You might need a big, full-figure woman like me to do some persuading."
"Pull over, Peckernose!"
"If we were gonna stalk someone it wouldn't be no chicken impersonator working for minimum wage."
ON BREAKING AND ENTERING...
"Would be a humanitarian effort."
ON PROPER PROCEDURE...
"You don't expect me to ride around with no radio. I need some hot music to get me in the mood to bust ass."
"No pocketbooks, no perfume, no shooting. You got an awful lot of rules, you know?"
"I'd go in first, but I don't want to be a hog about this searching s***."
"We could be discreet."
Don't want to get a ticket. I hear the police are real picky about having things sticking out of your trunk."
"Do we look like the kind of women who'd threaten a man?"
ON HOW TO PLACE AN ORDER...
"I want two chili dogs. And then I want two with sauerkraut and mustard. And do you have any of them curly fries?"
"I want a triple-decker burger. I want bacon and cheese and special sauce. I want a large fries, and I want a lot of them little ketchup packets. And I want a large chocolate milkshake."
ON LOSING WEIGHT...
"I'm in plenty good shape. It's the altitude that gets me."
"Course there's some advantage to having to having an intestinal disturbance. Those doughnuts probably won't stay with me long enough to find a home on my ass."
Ranger gave Lula the once-over. "You don't keep up, you get left behind."
"Your ass."
ON FASHION...
"It's just I didn't want to get blood on this here new sweatsuit. You know how hard it is to get blood out of this stuff."
"He squirted me with special sauce! I'm gonna have to get this jacket dry-cleaned."
ON THE MYSTERIES OF LIFE...
"Funny how life works. All this came about because I ate a bad burrito. It's like God knew what he was doing when he gave me the runs."
ON THE MYSTERIES OF RANGER...
"... the s***. The king. The cool."
"Suppose there really were superheroes?... It'd be someone who was the s***."
"Just like Bruce Wayne. Bruce Wayne had an office."
"I don't want to think about him being gay. Seems like anymore, all the buff bodies are gay, and all the bad-smelling, rangy men are straight. I find out Ranger's gay I'm going straight to the freezer section at Shop & Bag. Only men you can count on these days are Ben and Jerry."
ON JOE MORELLI...
"Looks like a cop car. Smells like a cop car..."
Next week...Ranger's words o' wisdom. Oh wait, "Babe" is the only one. Damn.
Until next time, folks...
ON HOW TO GET YOUR MAN...
"I'll snatch the little f***er up by his gonads and squash him into the trunk of my car."
"You might need a big, full-figure woman like me to do some persuading."
"Pull over, Peckernose!"
"If we were gonna stalk someone it wouldn't be no chicken impersonator working for minimum wage."
ON BREAKING AND ENTERING...
"Would be a humanitarian effort."
ON PROPER PROCEDURE...
"You don't expect me to ride around with no radio. I need some hot music to get me in the mood to bust ass."
"No pocketbooks, no perfume, no shooting. You got an awful lot of rules, you know?"
"I'd go in first, but I don't want to be a hog about this searching s***."
"We could be discreet."
Don't want to get a ticket. I hear the police are real picky about having things sticking out of your trunk."
"Do we look like the kind of women who'd threaten a man?"
ON HOW TO PLACE AN ORDER...
"I want two chili dogs. And then I want two with sauerkraut and mustard. And do you have any of them curly fries?"
"I want a triple-decker burger. I want bacon and cheese and special sauce. I want a large fries, and I want a lot of them little ketchup packets. And I want a large chocolate milkshake."
ON LOSING WEIGHT...
"I'm in plenty good shape. It's the altitude that gets me."
"Course there's some advantage to having to having an intestinal disturbance. Those doughnuts probably won't stay with me long enough to find a home on my ass."
Ranger gave Lula the once-over. "You don't keep up, you get left behind."
"Your ass."
ON FASHION...
"It's just I didn't want to get blood on this here new sweatsuit. You know how hard it is to get blood out of this stuff."
"He squirted me with special sauce! I'm gonna have to get this jacket dry-cleaned."
ON THE MYSTERIES OF LIFE...
"Funny how life works. All this came about because I ate a bad burrito. It's like God knew what he was doing when he gave me the runs."
ON THE MYSTERIES OF RANGER...
"... the s***. The king. The cool."
"Suppose there really were superheroes?... It'd be someone who was the s***."
"Just like Bruce Wayne. Bruce Wayne had an office."
"I don't want to think about him being gay. Seems like anymore, all the buff bodies are gay, and all the bad-smelling, rangy men are straight. I find out Ranger's gay I'm going straight to the freezer section at Shop & Bag. Only men you can count on these days are Ben and Jerry."
ON JOE MORELLI...
"Looks like a cop car. Smells like a cop car..."
Next week...Ranger's words o' wisdom. Oh wait, "Babe" is the only one. Damn.
Until next time, folks...