#159: Talk about one thing you hope to do in the upcoming year that you have never done before.
[Private]
What I want to do is simple and yet not but it can be summed up in one word.
Control.
I've wanted it since I was a little girl, long before I ever developed my powers. Control over my life, my existence, my destiny. I didn't have any when I was young. Everything that I did was decided for me by my parents and then to a lesser degree by Mystique and Irene. They let me discover some things on my own but really, with what I know now about Irene's powers, I guess they truly didn't. They knew what the outcome would be before I even thought of climbing on the roof or kissing Cody. It was just an illusion, I was never in control.
Even when I ran away, seeking the Professor's help, I don't think I was in control. I know I certainly wasn't when I was there at the mansion, not those first few months. I was at the others mercy, trying to prove that I was a part of the team, that I did belong. I kept at that, sacrificing myself for their lives, pushing harder, striving to do what I knew would please them, desperate to be part of the team.
And now they trust me, have for awhile. Made me a team leader and I've thrown it all away. And why? Because I wanted control of my life outside of being an X-Man. But can you have another life if you are part of the team? We've certainly all tried but no one has been that successful and of course what I want is something they'd never be able to accept. Can't really say I'd blame them.
If the X-Men have a number one enemy, I'd say it'd be him. Magneto. The man I'm supposed to be joining for dinner and a symphony later this week.
I feel like I've entered this downward spiral that has no plans of stopping any time soon and all I can do is hang on for the ride. But I keep fighting it, pushing, pulling, striving to get away, to pull away. I’m not all that sure how successful I’ve been
So, this year, I want to finally obtain control. If not over my power than at least over my life and the great confusing mess that I've made of it.
What I want to do is simple and yet not but it can be summed up in one word.
Control.
I've wanted it since I was a little girl, long before I ever developed my powers. Control over my life, my existence, my destiny. I didn't have any when I was young. Everything that I did was decided for me by my parents and then to a lesser degree by Mystique and Irene. They let me discover some things on my own but really, with what I know now about Irene's powers, I guess they truly didn't. They knew what the outcome would be before I even thought of climbing on the roof or kissing Cody. It was just an illusion, I was never in control.
Even when I ran away, seeking the Professor's help, I don't think I was in control. I know I certainly wasn't when I was there at the mansion, not those first few months. I was at the others mercy, trying to prove that I was a part of the team, that I did belong. I kept at that, sacrificing myself for their lives, pushing harder, striving to do what I knew would please them, desperate to be part of the team.
And now they trust me, have for awhile. Made me a team leader and I've thrown it all away. And why? Because I wanted control of my life outside of being an X-Man. But can you have another life if you are part of the team? We've certainly all tried but no one has been that successful and of course what I want is something they'd never be able to accept. Can't really say I'd blame them.
If the X-Men have a number one enemy, I'd say it'd be him. Magneto. The man I'm supposed to be joining for dinner and a symphony later this week.
I feel like I've entered this downward spiral that has no plans of stopping any time soon and all I can do is hang on for the ride. But I keep fighting it, pushing, pulling, striving to get away, to pull away. I’m not all that sure how successful I’ve been
So, this year, I want to finally obtain control. If not over my power than at least over my life and the great confusing mess that I've made of it.