Things on my mind.....
Well, I posted earlier.. but I have been thinking alot in the last hour or so, and I have alot of things on my mind that I need to get out. First of all, I miss Deven horribly. Mitch and I are wanting to go down there and visit this summer, but with the issue of lack of money lately, it is going to be really hard to save the money to go. Hopefully we win this case against the doctor though, that alone would solve alot of money issues. We'll be able to pay off our bills and be able to pay for both of us to go to college. Plus, that would give my Mom the money that she needs to take care of Deven. But there is another thought, if I do win this case, then I really want to go and get Deven permenantly. I think as far as emotionally, I am ready to take care of him, but financially is the issue at this point. I also think in the same respect that maybe I just need to let him stay there and just pay my mom support on him, because the life that he has now is what he knows and I don't want to screw him up by making him insecure or anything. My other thoughts involve Mitch and I, and how much I miss having alone time with him. Lately I have been so edgy that all we do is fight. I see at times that I am edgy, but there are times when I think that he is an ass too. He says it's all me. I need someones opinion, but I don't want to get everyone involved in our problems. They have enough things to deal with, without having to deal with our issues too. I have to say that I feel in ways that we are overstaying our welcome here as well. I mean, we are all helping eachother here, but lately things have gotten crazy, and everyone seems to be on edge a bit. No offense to anyone who reads this, it's just the truth. In my seeing of things, everyone seems to want to bite eachothers heads off here lately. I think especially Kenny is getting annoyed with me. I don't think so much Julie and Dave as Kenny. This morning was one of those times that made me think it, and tonight when they came home and I was talking to him outside while we were smoking, he seemed particularly annoyed by the fact that I opened my mouth. Maybe it is just me, because I get like that and think that people are pissed at me when the truth is they aren't. Anyone who knows me knows that is true. So, if I am wrong in this assumption, I apologize. Anyways, I think that my other issue is that I really miss my friends and I miss home. I hate that I am here and not seeing my son. Don't get me wrong, I love living here and I love my family and friends that I have here. I just am really getting home sick, which doesn't happen very often. I think I mainly just miss Deven, Kriss, strangely to say, my Mom, and my friends, even Billy, for those of you who know that story. I know that I want to go down there and see them all, especially Deven, but I also know that once I get there, it's going to kill me to leave again. Especially knowing that I have to leave Deven there and come back to a life without him again. I know that it was better for him where he is and that he is probably better there even now. I know it's selfish, but I want him to be here with me. I want him to know me, I want him to know Mitch, and I want him to know Mandi. I mean I know that he knows my voice, and I know that he knows Mitch's voice, but I want him to know our faces and know that we love him. I want him to have a bond with his sister, and them to get along and be able to do the things that most brothers and sisters do together. Not have to know eachother by pictures and know of eachother, but only get to talk on occasion, and when they do get to talk, it's with a phone at each end. I hate that it is that way, and even more that it has to be that way. I know that as long as my mom has anything to say about it, things will stay this way, and my Mom is not hte only one that will do everything in her power to keep things the way they are. My entire blood family on my Mom's side has already said that I do not deserve Deven and that if it ever came to it, they would do everything they could to keep me from having him again. Notice I said blood family... the people that I am refering to are my Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles on my Mom's side... I do not consider them family. I cannot stand most of them. I have felt like an outsider since getting pregnant with Deven in my senior year. Since that point, I have felt that they felt like they had to love me, not that they wanted to. They love Deven, and I guess that is all that matters. However being that they are my blood family, I thought that things should have been different in the way that I was treated. I know that they were angry that I "messed up my life" and I know that they were disappointed, I am not saying either that they didn't have a right to show that. What I am saying is that I feel that they could have at least tried to show that they still loved me for me, and not that they felt they had to love me. I don't know what else to say in this, I have been going on for what seems like an hour... so I am going to end this here... I just need more time to think.... and i want to head to bed before too long. I want to get up early. Wal*Mart opens at 6:00 AM and I would like to be there early to cathc some of the sales and things that are going to be going on. So I think that is all for now.