(no subject)
Okay, so I was very upset because last night I lost an hour and a half of my life to typing up about my life to only have the stupid computer jack up on me! Okay..I am done venting...On to what I was writing about last night...but I think there is more insight to this and I am looking at last night's attempt to update as a rough draft. I feel something good with this:
RENT
So I have officially seen Rent 3 times now and I bought the soundtrack and I can't STOP listening to it! Ahh..so I needless to say I loved it! I am a musical fanatic since I had seen Wicked! What I love the most envisioned for all. During the entire play/musical there is constant straight and gay interaction and there is no second thought about them. The characters are all interwoven within each other's lives and no one really cares. This is of course a dream of mine to lead a society where it doesn't matter what your sexuality, because we are all the same! God it is so good to see that!
525,600 minutes. How Do You Measure, Measure A Year
So as I have been on my journey to resilience, I have noticed how much of a journey I have been on within the past year. I can't believe that just a year ago I was in my Landmark Education forum and that just that one weekend of 3 days would forever change my life and get me back on the road to completing the mess that I had made. A year from then and I feel like I have got more out of life since then than I have ever had before. I am more adept in identifying when I am going to make an ill decision or when I need to wake up and do something about a situation when it happens.
Life has been more, real. I am able to truly live in the present and although a year is just a year, the journey still continues with this new frame of mind. We get so caught up in our own problems and we as humans can forget that we are not alone. We are all the same. We all have the same problems. It doesn't matter what race you are or what language you speak, everyon has had a failed friendship, be it with family and friends or a lover. If anything, we also seclude ourselves and don't share our experiences of life. I realized that this is why I enjoy my livejournal and my blog on myspace. People can either relate to what I am going through, or they can gain a different perspective on a situation.
By sharing our experiences, we can gain better insight to other people; and ultimately we can all be relatable. This is important with all societies that we build as a human race. When we become destitute toward society, we can no longer relate with anyone.
My view point of Gay Society and coming out
So if anything, this comes to mind with being related. I remember talking about this with my older brother and sister in law, and most recently with Aron. If anything the US has been backwards when it comes to assimilating cultures, ideals, and other various issues that we have faced in such a young country. But why is it that it has been so hard for a gay society to adapt in our present culture. Communication. It has been my experience that when someone comes out, it is the fear of being rejected. Fear of losing people you have come to love and trust. Some people have had good experiences coming out and some not so good experiences.
I have found that those who have grown up with a religious background, have people who aren't as accepting or those with people who don't understand it, have a hard time coming out and coming to terms with being gay and realizing that you aren't broken and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It is really hard to explain being GaLe (I am going to use GaLe to better show including Gay and Lesbian. Gay usually refers to guys in my mind, so I want that distinction to show. I am working on be equal opportunity here! LOL). The only explanation would be having an explanation of why a guy likes a girl and vice versa. It is unexplicable.
The Issue Of Coming Out
So I know that this was the case for me and for a few other people who did not have a great coming out to family, but usually the confrontation of rejection can be so much more bigger in your head and just being firm and standing up for yourself can be very hard. It is the fear of rejection and of loss that makes it really scary. I know that I was sooo fucking confused and I didn't want to admit that I was someone who liked guys. I was slowly going insane! The realization of being gay came to fruition when I had met my first boyfriend, Matthew Wageman. (**Just a side note: Everyone's coming out is different and unique. This is my point of view and my experience and how I view the world through my experiences. If you want to know something about someone, always listen, create a safe place, and DON'T EVER BE AFRAID TO ASK! There is nothing wrong with intimacy!)
I still remember that day. He just started working at the Wal-Mart in Thatcher. I was the Customer Service Manager and there was just something about him that made me weak. I couldn't stop looking at him. Every part of me swayed to him. I had to know who he was. I would make up so many excuses to go by his register! LOL. I would have him do price checks for items and I was always going by and counting down his cash till just to be near him. The attraction was mutual and yet we both never said anything much to each other.
I remember we had went to a party at Henry's house by the Railroad tracks. I remember it was a cool house. Huge! And the whole gang was there. Henry and his girl and some other classmates from EAC and some people from work; but most importantly, Matthew was there. It was getting a bit late and I remember that they had said the cops had shown up and were wanting all the minors to go home. Some of us ran up to the attic to hide and we could look down into the courtyard.
I just remember that in the excitement of running up there we had all huddle and laid next to the window to look down. within the ruckus Matthew and I ended up laying next to each other. Within that commotion we had forgotten the outside and caught each other's eyes. The attraction was so strong, and he put his arm around me and laid his head on my shoulder as we the commotion around us disappeared. The only person who really caught what was happening was Jesse. (She was the first person I really came out to...lol, but all of us came out to her and told her not to say anything. She was burdened with secrets of all us guys coming out to her.) She made it so easy to just be with it.
Things progressed slowly but we never really made it obvious that we were gay. We never spoke about it. We felt so confined. He was with his Mormon family and I with my JW family. Crossroads major!
I would pick him up after work because he didn't have a car at the time and we would hang out at the trailer. We were so prude! The only thing we would do was just hug each other tightly. We weren't sure what we were doing and though I knew I wanted to kiss him SOOO badly, we never did. We were afraid of being caught. I was afraid of being ostracized the way Tommy was for coming out and Thatcher/Safford is not a big town. Small communities with the two religious factions that we had and we knew the consequences of coming out with our religious backgrounds could be a devastating move for our family and what their values were and our positions in the church. Coming out would definately put us up as the town fags and we certaintly did not want to be that.
He moved and I was crushed, I still remember going to Math class and I was not in the mood to endure Mrs. Bapat's heavy accent trying to teach us Math. I remember Jesse and Garret were in there and I was soooo distraught. We ended up ditching class and I pretty much came out to them. I felt lost.
>Confusion and the Issue that Ensued
So I think this is where the Issue Of Coming Out began and could begin with some people. I didn't know where to turn to or who to turn to in regards to me being gay. Hell, I felt alone! Sure Tommy was gay, but he was no longer in Thatcher and the thing was that it was looking to be a cruel summer because I was soon to be all alone as all of my friends were leaving to Phoenix. I was afraid to turn to the elder's in the congregation. I didn't want to be looked to like I was broken and needed to be fixed. I was afraid to turn to my family because of the shame that I felt that I would bring to them. So it was like a fight or flight reaction to the situation. Come out and come out with the guns blazing! No holds barred! Sink or swim!
So then coming out is a process that is stressful. Who will accept me and who will reject me. It turned into a Me VS. Everyone and I will not take any prisoners. This is where some of us turn to our GaLe allies and strengthen and band together. It is like a gang. People who understand you and accept you freely. A place where you belong. The attitude with some people is so strong to reject your rejectors! They are wrong for not loving you. Why tell them what goes on with me. They don't need to know...FUCK them all!
This of course doesn't help and perhaps the other thing that happens is that even us GaLe's can develop a form of homophobia toward being gay. You are gay you get fired, you are disliked in class, you are ostracized for being you. You get discriminated and so the anger can build up more. FUCK THE ENTIRE WORLD. The danger though that I have seen is that here in the United States, being GaLe is a status in some areas and it is somewhat Elite.
So how does this all fit in to being assimilated and accepted. Why is it that we are a country that has had a hard time with things. Just recently the Prime Minister of Spain, Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, gave a speech on granting GaLe’s marriage rights this summer. On July 4th of 2005, the 45 year old politician said, “With the approval of this bill, our country takes another step in the path of liberty and tolerance.” He was also noted for saying, “Today, to a group of people who during many years, have been humiliated, whose rights have been ignored, whose dignity has been offended.” He was also noted as saying that gays, “are only a minority, but their triumph is everyone’s triumph.” (Out magazine, December 25, 2005, page 168).
I think that it is the fact that as an entire Gay and Lesbian community in the US, we have failed to communicate. Communicate and speak out and help society understand us. Have people live in our lives and not leave them out. We are so spoiled in the US that it is all about give me, I am better than you, bla bla. All this BS society that we have. We as a society are ungrateful and that stems out through all our societies. So as a GaLe and Straight society, we have both failed to yield to understand each other and to come to an understanding as societies. We haven't communicated to each other.
Breaking Down The Barriers
I think that what some of the schools in the US have been doing has been an uphill battle as well. Gay and Straight aliances have formed and I just wish that more schools would permit this. This helps a younger generation understand each other and to be more accepting and understanding of each other. There is H O P E.
The thing that tears these alliances down is older people who don’t want change. People, who want to be right with their point of view. The thing is that we instill our children with our ideals. They don’t care who they play with. It is only when parents say, “You can’t play with that child because he is brown.” “Don’t hang out with those people, they will make you poor.” “Are you stupid? Don’t hang out with those people, they are all dirty.”
If adults with that ignorance were just gotten rid of, we would perhaps live in a much civilized society.
But it is all about communication! No one will get anywhere unless they speak out. And yes, there are groups of people all over the world that realizes that prejudices we make about people is stupid. There are groups of people who don’t even think about being straight or gay.
Creating a Space
I think that is why I am most proud of the friends that I have carefully made. We are all diverse, different backgrounds and cultures. Some of them straight. Some of them gay. I have envisioned a society where we can all get along. As long as I create a space of being free, safe, and liberated with my friends and people around me, I believe that I can begin to create a society that accepts all and helps create a space to where we can all make everyone feel safe, free, liberated, and able to just be. BE FREE TO BE YOU!
I hope to have that resonate with many, many, many, people. If we can move on from our dire events of the past and just give freely, the rewards are so much more.
I used to think that being single would be a curse. Now I view it as a huge opportunity to prepare myself for me. I have so much to fill in my own shoes. I know I create this. This is my destiny, it is my choice. No one can take that away from me. The more I share and give of myself to others, the more I will begin to know of myself.
How do I occur for you?
RENT
So I have officially seen Rent 3 times now and I bought the soundtrack and I can't STOP listening to it! Ahh..so I needless to say I loved it! I am a musical fanatic since I had seen Wicked! What I love the most envisioned for all. During the entire play/musical there is constant straight and gay interaction and there is no second thought about them. The characters are all interwoven within each other's lives and no one really cares. This is of course a dream of mine to lead a society where it doesn't matter what your sexuality, because we are all the same! God it is so good to see that!
525,600 minutes. How Do You Measure, Measure A Year
So as I have been on my journey to resilience, I have noticed how much of a journey I have been on within the past year. I can't believe that just a year ago I was in my Landmark Education forum and that just that one weekend of 3 days would forever change my life and get me back on the road to completing the mess that I had made. A year from then and I feel like I have got more out of life since then than I have ever had before. I am more adept in identifying when I am going to make an ill decision or when I need to wake up and do something about a situation when it happens.
Life has been more, real. I am able to truly live in the present and although a year is just a year, the journey still continues with this new frame of mind. We get so caught up in our own problems and we as humans can forget that we are not alone. We are all the same. We all have the same problems. It doesn't matter what race you are or what language you speak, everyon has had a failed friendship, be it with family and friends or a lover. If anything, we also seclude ourselves and don't share our experiences of life. I realized that this is why I enjoy my livejournal and my blog on myspace. People can either relate to what I am going through, or they can gain a different perspective on a situation.
By sharing our experiences, we can gain better insight to other people; and ultimately we can all be relatable. This is important with all societies that we build as a human race. When we become destitute toward society, we can no longer relate with anyone.
My view point of Gay Society and coming out
So if anything, this comes to mind with being related. I remember talking about this with my older brother and sister in law, and most recently with Aron. If anything the US has been backwards when it comes to assimilating cultures, ideals, and other various issues that we have faced in such a young country. But why is it that it has been so hard for a gay society to adapt in our present culture. Communication. It has been my experience that when someone comes out, it is the fear of being rejected. Fear of losing people you have come to love and trust. Some people have had good experiences coming out and some not so good experiences.
I have found that those who have grown up with a religious background, have people who aren't as accepting or those with people who don't understand it, have a hard time coming out and coming to terms with being gay and realizing that you aren't broken and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It is really hard to explain being GaLe (I am going to use GaLe to better show including Gay and Lesbian. Gay usually refers to guys in my mind, so I want that distinction to show. I am working on be equal opportunity here! LOL). The only explanation would be having an explanation of why a guy likes a girl and vice versa. It is unexplicable.
The Issue Of Coming Out
So I know that this was the case for me and for a few other people who did not have a great coming out to family, but usually the confrontation of rejection can be so much more bigger in your head and just being firm and standing up for yourself can be very hard. It is the fear of rejection and of loss that makes it really scary. I know that I was sooo fucking confused and I didn't want to admit that I was someone who liked guys. I was slowly going insane! The realization of being gay came to fruition when I had met my first boyfriend, Matthew Wageman. (**Just a side note: Everyone's coming out is different and unique. This is my point of view and my experience and how I view the world through my experiences. If you want to know something about someone, always listen, create a safe place, and DON'T EVER BE AFRAID TO ASK! There is nothing wrong with intimacy!)
I still remember that day. He just started working at the Wal-Mart in Thatcher. I was the Customer Service Manager and there was just something about him that made me weak. I couldn't stop looking at him. Every part of me swayed to him. I had to know who he was. I would make up so many excuses to go by his register! LOL. I would have him do price checks for items and I was always going by and counting down his cash till just to be near him. The attraction was mutual and yet we both never said anything much to each other.
I remember we had went to a party at Henry's house by the Railroad tracks. I remember it was a cool house. Huge! And the whole gang was there. Henry and his girl and some other classmates from EAC and some people from work; but most importantly, Matthew was there. It was getting a bit late and I remember that they had said the cops had shown up and were wanting all the minors to go home. Some of us ran up to the attic to hide and we could look down into the courtyard.
I just remember that in the excitement of running up there we had all huddle and laid next to the window to look down. within the ruckus Matthew and I ended up laying next to each other. Within that commotion we had forgotten the outside and caught each other's eyes. The attraction was so strong, and he put his arm around me and laid his head on my shoulder as we the commotion around us disappeared. The only person who really caught what was happening was Jesse. (She was the first person I really came out to...lol, but all of us came out to her and told her not to say anything. She was burdened with secrets of all us guys coming out to her.) She made it so easy to just be with it.
Things progressed slowly but we never really made it obvious that we were gay. We never spoke about it. We felt so confined. He was with his Mormon family and I with my JW family. Crossroads major!
I would pick him up after work because he didn't have a car at the time and we would hang out at the trailer. We were so prude! The only thing we would do was just hug each other tightly. We weren't sure what we were doing and though I knew I wanted to kiss him SOOO badly, we never did. We were afraid of being caught. I was afraid of being ostracized the way Tommy was for coming out and Thatcher/Safford is not a big town. Small communities with the two religious factions that we had and we knew the consequences of coming out with our religious backgrounds could be a devastating move for our family and what their values were and our positions in the church. Coming out would definately put us up as the town fags and we certaintly did not want to be that.
He moved and I was crushed, I still remember going to Math class and I was not in the mood to endure Mrs. Bapat's heavy accent trying to teach us Math. I remember Jesse and Garret were in there and I was soooo distraught. We ended up ditching class and I pretty much came out to them. I felt lost.
>Confusion and the Issue that Ensued
So I think this is where the Issue Of Coming Out began and could begin with some people. I didn't know where to turn to or who to turn to in regards to me being gay. Hell, I felt alone! Sure Tommy was gay, but he was no longer in Thatcher and the thing was that it was looking to be a cruel summer because I was soon to be all alone as all of my friends were leaving to Phoenix. I was afraid to turn to the elder's in the congregation. I didn't want to be looked to like I was broken and needed to be fixed. I was afraid to turn to my family because of the shame that I felt that I would bring to them. So it was like a fight or flight reaction to the situation. Come out and come out with the guns blazing! No holds barred! Sink or swim!
So then coming out is a process that is stressful. Who will accept me and who will reject me. It turned into a Me VS. Everyone and I will not take any prisoners. This is where some of us turn to our GaLe allies and strengthen and band together. It is like a gang. People who understand you and accept you freely. A place where you belong. The attitude with some people is so strong to reject your rejectors! They are wrong for not loving you. Why tell them what goes on with me. They don't need to know...FUCK them all!
This of course doesn't help and perhaps the other thing that happens is that even us GaLe's can develop a form of homophobia toward being gay. You are gay you get fired, you are disliked in class, you are ostracized for being you. You get discriminated and so the anger can build up more. FUCK THE ENTIRE WORLD. The danger though that I have seen is that here in the United States, being GaLe is a status in some areas and it is somewhat Elite.
So how does this all fit in to being assimilated and accepted. Why is it that we are a country that has had a hard time with things. Just recently the Prime Minister of Spain, Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, gave a speech on granting GaLe’s marriage rights this summer. On July 4th of 2005, the 45 year old politician said, “With the approval of this bill, our country takes another step in the path of liberty and tolerance.” He was also noted for saying, “Today, to a group of people who during many years, have been humiliated, whose rights have been ignored, whose dignity has been offended.” He was also noted as saying that gays, “are only a minority, but their triumph is everyone’s triumph.” (Out magazine, December 25, 2005, page 168).
I think that it is the fact that as an entire Gay and Lesbian community in the US, we have failed to communicate. Communicate and speak out and help society understand us. Have people live in our lives and not leave them out. We are so spoiled in the US that it is all about give me, I am better than you, bla bla. All this BS society that we have. We as a society are ungrateful and that stems out through all our societies. So as a GaLe and Straight society, we have both failed to yield to understand each other and to come to an understanding as societies. We haven't communicated to each other.
Breaking Down The Barriers
I think that what some of the schools in the US have been doing has been an uphill battle as well. Gay and Straight aliances have formed and I just wish that more schools would permit this. This helps a younger generation understand each other and to be more accepting and understanding of each other. There is H O P E.
The thing that tears these alliances down is older people who don’t want change. People, who want to be right with their point of view. The thing is that we instill our children with our ideals. They don’t care who they play with. It is only when parents say, “You can’t play with that child because he is brown.” “Don’t hang out with those people, they will make you poor.” “Are you stupid? Don’t hang out with those people, they are all dirty.”
If adults with that ignorance were just gotten rid of, we would perhaps live in a much civilized society.
But it is all about communication! No one will get anywhere unless they speak out. And yes, there are groups of people all over the world that realizes that prejudices we make about people is stupid. There are groups of people who don’t even think about being straight or gay.
Creating a Space
I think that is why I am most proud of the friends that I have carefully made. We are all diverse, different backgrounds and cultures. Some of them straight. Some of them gay. I have envisioned a society where we can all get along. As long as I create a space of being free, safe, and liberated with my friends and people around me, I believe that I can begin to create a society that accepts all and helps create a space to where we can all make everyone feel safe, free, liberated, and able to just be. BE FREE TO BE YOU!
I hope to have that resonate with many, many, many, people. If we can move on from our dire events of the past and just give freely, the rewards are so much more.
I used to think that being single would be a curse. Now I view it as a huge opportunity to prepare myself for me. I have so much to fill in my own shoes. I know I create this. This is my destiny, it is my choice. No one can take that away from me. The more I share and give of myself to others, the more I will begin to know of myself.
How do I occur for you?